Cassiel had settled herself quietly within the mountains upon her return, and while she welcomed time with Cassiel and Eponine, along with her other relations, the black eyed mare did remain rather aloof. She was processing everything that had happened, everything which had turned her life upside down and sideways.Everything was different now, and she wondered whether or not she was all the more a fool.
Hadn't she walked out of Eponine's life, and cut off contact to the rest of her family? Hadn't she run off to find herself, only to find her friend Tobias waiting for her, instead? Everything had been different then. She had always felt like a burden and obligation, and so she had wanted to save her mother the trauma of having to see her day in and day out. She'd hadn't any close friends, outside of the purple colt whose family had seemed so perfect; granted, Luca, his mother, lived a life Cassiel could never dream of living-- and yet she had embraced the young mare without reservation. When Cassiel had first been welcomed into Tobias life, she had thought she finally found her happily-ever-after.
It should have been that way. Tobias had loved her, despite her flaws, despite her protests that there were better, more deserving mares out there. Tobias had been her constant, her foundation, the only one she had ever truly needed. He was a dream come true, and for the years they had been together, he was but a dream! Ever day, Cassiel had thought she might wake up and find him missing -- and every day, he was there. Slowly but surely, Cassiel came to trust the purple stallion, and leaned on him often. Perhaps it was her fault, for becoming so co-dependent, but hadn't he leaned equally on her?
First one set of children, then two, each one a blessing and joy. Cassiel had found the family she coveted, and while her children eventually left to make their own wa in the world, she raised them with as much love and tenderness as she could have. Certainly, everything had looked picture-perfect, and Cassiel had believed her happily-ever-after to be so.
But as perfect as it had been in those early days, all wasn't what it seemed.
As she aged, Cassiel struggled with her own doubts, and her own feelings of inadequacy. She suffered abandonment issues, not because of Eponine, but because of her father Ezriel, and the loss of her brother Rue. While her mother had taken the brunt of her pain, and perhaps unjustly so, it was the rejection from her father and stolen time with her brother that wounded her most. And poor Eponine had been the one to feel the brunt of her pain. Tobias had certainly helped her through such difficult tidings. He had promised to always be there, and like a fool, she had believed.
Tail flicking, Cassiel took a heavy breath, trying to unravel the thoughts that plagued her.
Hadn't she always been encouraged to look at the bright side?
Her mother and grandmother seemed not to condemn her. They forgave her and loved her despite how callous she'd been so many years ago. They accepted her, wanted her in their lives, even when she'd been so certain the would turn their backs to her. It amazed her that after all this time, they still might love her, still might care... and perhaps she had been wrong and foolish in cutting them out of her life.
Perhaps Ecclesia, Valoel, and Lailah would seek her out. Perhaps then she could introduce her mother and grandmother to their grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Perhaps they could all get to be family again... And wasn't that what she needed? Maybe that's what she'd always needed.
Tobias was gone.
It hadn't been a quick loss. It started with him traveling more, seeking new stories, bringing back gifts, and taking time for himself. Cassiel hadn't noticed, after all -- not at first. She trusted him, and trusted him to return. He had always doted upon her, had always seemed to be relieved to be home. But then the trips became longer, more pronounced. When her children were young, she almost didn't notice, so wrapped up in their lives was she; but once they began to leave, to find their own mates, and their own voices, she realized just how alone she was.
Though she'd confront Tobias, beg him to stay, one da he disappeared and never returned. She waited weeks, months, years, hoping the pale haired stallion would once again find her. She asked about him when strangers passed through; she even sent out requests by raven to seek him out. In the end, it was as if he'd but disappeared -- and Cassiel found herself alone, once more, and afraid.
It was her beloved daughter Ecclesia who finally encouraged her to leave. Not because she was unwanted, but because the memories of Tobias were doing her no good. A change of scene might cause her a change of heart, and for the better; for it was clear that the purple coated stallion would no longer be returning. He was gone, and no matter what stories and lies Cassiel told herself, he would ne'er be seen again.
Her happily-ever-after was over.
The gods had given her a few ears of happiness, before snatching it all away. During her travels towards her foalhood home, she wondered what she had done to deserve such a thing. Had he found someone prettier? Someone more charming? Someone who wasn't so needy, so insecure, so broken? Had she pushed him away? Or had he never loved her? Had it been a farce from the start? No matter how she felt, she couldn't help but think that it was something she had done. Surely, if she'd been a kinder, softer, prettier, lovelier mare Tobias wouldn't have left; surely, if she'd been different things would have been different.
But she couldn't be someone else, and she didn't know how to be different. She was who she was and now...
Now she had to start over.
It was a tale as old as time. Not every ending was a happy one... but that didn't mean her fate was sealed forever. Hadn't Eponine's lot changed? Hadn't she found the love of her life after years without? And wasn't her grandma Cosette happy, despite her mate's travels? Wasn't she a ranking member of the Itsula? Cassiel was now in a new herd, and had new herdmates with which to meet ... and yet, she just couldn't quite bring herself to seeking them out. Being home was a new concept--perhaps because, as of yet, the place didn't feel like home.
Home was a small grove, far from the mountains, with a few pines and birches offered shade in the summer, and birdsong in the spring. Home was where she had raised her children, and lived many winters snuggle against the warmth of a familiar purple coated stallion. Home was a place where she had thought she'd live out the rest of her years. And yet... here she was. Broken hearted, and unsure of her fate.
Part of her felt like an outsider, after all these years. She had more aunts and uncles than she had when she'd left, and they, in turn, had gifted her multiple cousins. She had missed so much of their lives, and now, she had returned, as if there was no consequence for such callousness. That she'd been young and suffering made no difference; now that she was older, and perhaps more wiser, she knew how shameful her behavior had been.
That Eponine forgave her, welcome and encouraged her home, was still shocking. She had expected her mother to be angry, defensive, and hurt; but Eponine never once brought up their past fights and old wounds. If anything, the blue mare had been gentle with her, fragile. Cassiel didn't deserve it. She had once taken all her resentments and placed them on Eponine's shoulders... Surely, that would not be without consequence.
Perhaps her current turmoil was payback for her sins.
Cassiel gave a sigh, even as she came to a small, babbling brook. She lowered her head to drink, being ever throughtful of what the future might hold. She couldn't hide away forever, and yet, she was afraid to move on. Moving on meant that Tobias would never seek her out again; moving on, meant she was without a mate once more, and alone. How she hated, loathed, and abhorred being alone...
And yet, here she was.
Lifting her head, she stared down at her reflection -- black eyes, black mane, red coat. Her brows furrowed and she flattened her ears, before stomping a hoof in the water, and turning away. She didn't want to look at herself. She was a shell of what she'd been before, and she hated that she was here. She had strived so hard to find peace, and all these years later, she was back to square one. Her throat tightened, and she desperately wanted to cry--however, she held back her tears.
No.
She was stronger than this... wasn't she?
Honestly, Cassiel wasn't sure.
What place was there for the likes of her? Emotionally scarred, imperfect, and unloveable. If Tobias couldn't remain after all those years, who would? Surely no stranger would tolerate her moods, her tempers, her grief. She'd been born into the world a sad and mistrustful thing; that had never, and likely would never, change. Her father's anger and bitterness lived on her... and while she was not aggressive like Ezriel, she felt things strongly, and had a melancholic nature.
Perhaps the best years of her life were now behind her. Perhaps, all she could do was take each day as it came, and accept that things were as good as it gets. Maybe the pain and heartache would heal if she simply lingered around her mother, grandmother, and siblings; maybe, things would feel better if she just accepted true love and happiness were an illusion. Could ones heart truly break if one had no expectations?
With another flick of her tail, and a small shake of her mane, the dark eyed mare turned towards the mountains. She did not wish to cause Cosette or Eponine any further cause for alarm or concern. Whatever her life was now... It was as it would be. She could go through the motions and pretend to be fine; she could hide her heart from the world once more, and pretend that everything was fine. It would be enough--it had to be enough.
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