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[Alltalar]

It rained hard this day;, the sky took on a dark rich hue of maroon grey as the droplets continued their descent on the bloody battlefield below; what once was a field of grass and dandelions was now a scar upon the land marking the chaos that overtook it. This battle was not over yet, after all the bloodshed and pain only two remained standing; only two stood ironically savoring this moment.

For after all, wasn't this war started because of these two beings?
These two people that hated each other with every fiber in their beings?

"So it has come to this. I'll give you this one chance as it seems most fitting; Will you give up now or will you suffer a painful death by my hands?"

The other a man dressed in light armor of silver forge responded immediately and without hesitation.

"You already know my answer, For my Queen I shall never fall, I shall never give up or surrender! IN these bones my conviction FLOWS through me like a raging inferno! Until I defeat you and put an end to this madness I shall not yield!"

The first man who dressed in black armor and wore a twisted grin reached to his back and pulled from a holster which rested there, a blade as wide as himself. It fell to the dirt with with a deep thud as its weight sank into the earth several degrees, He then used his second hand to unlatch a protective seal and unbinded the two weapons splitting the original large blade into two that both were of the same length and size.

"Then you will die for your precious Queen, Alltalar. Oh yes, you will die." The man then charged foward with a fierce battlecry.

Alltalar held his Aegis blade Oni strong and prepared for the oncoming attack.

This battle will be one to decide the fate of the realm, the realm of Queen Tintin.

A/N
(-W- I actually know a queen tintin and RP as her loyal servent knight I also have a king as well. ^^ so this story will be about the knight version of alltalar and will have to do with my RP character I made as a little story for a user named Queen-Tintin ^^ enjoy the oncoming chapters next update is tomorrow!)
-End prologue-  

[Pup in Fluff]

It's pretty good but you need to watch for repetitive words.

"The sky blackened as it started to pour rain down from the sky..." You used the word "sky" twice in the same sentence and the second one isn't really necessary. Other than that, good job! 3nodding  

[MaisSkyss]

Quote:

The clouds blackened as rain poured down from the sky a clash of lightning revealed two opponents who stood facing off against one another; the first who was dressed in dark clothing grinned as a touch of blood ran down the side of his mouth; his aegis blade in hand he charged his opponent who quickly brought his own Aegis blade to bear deflecting the attack sending his opponent sprawling into the wet grass.

That is one big run on. For the first sentence, try:

The clouds blackened as rain poured down from the sky; a clash of lightning revealed two opponents who stood facing off against one another. The first who, was dressed in black, grinned as a touch of blood ran down the side of his mouth; his aegis blade in hand he charged his opponent who quickly brought his own identical blade up to bar the attack, sending his opponent sprawling into the wet grass.

Commas are your friend. Use them more often, and be certain you are using your punctuation correctly. It can actually make the speech sound better in other's minds. And I say you used the word "black" instead of "dark clothing" because you mention a man in white later, and it will help to contrast the two more. I used the word "identical" because you said "aegis" ten seconds earlier and I personally don't favor repition in that manner. It sounds... I dunno, kid-ish.

Quote:

"Give it up you are too weak to defend anyone." the man in white clothing proclaimed as he raised his aegis blade high above him letting the full shine glow with a gathering power as he prepared to finish off his would be opponent.

"That is where you are wrong evil one the battle has only begun."

The man in white clothing brought the aegis blade to bear and snorted at his opponent.

I don't know if you are meaning to use the word "bear" or not, but it sounds weird here. Maybe position? And the "high above him" sounds odd as well. Either put "high above his head" or "high above himself," or my personal favorite would be to just put "high." One gets the general gist as to where. And you don't need to put the word "clothing" in there. It just kinda clutters things up. And "full shine glow"... again, odd. Doesn't have that pattern to it, ya'know? Replace shine with something else. Don't quite know what, though.

And try to vary on the words. Don't keep saying "blade." Call it something else. Sword. Weapon. Death tool. Be creative and have fun with it.

"Give it up, you are too weak to defend anyone," the man in white proclaimed as he raised his sword high, letting the full shine glow with a gathering power as he prepared to finish off his would be opponent.

"That is where you are wrong, evil one; the battle has only begun."

The man in white clothing brought the aegis blade to position and snorted at his opponent.


Also, that is the fourth time you've said "aegis." I have no idea what an aegis blade is ( xp ), but you've used the word a few times too many.

Quote:

"That is what you think, Brother Alltalar but only one of us will survive this battle."

Alltalar stood back up and drew his sword once more.

"I cannot understand how someone that used to be so devoted to our people has turned on us like a treacherous snake, you dare try and war against your own people; this is the day where you will meet your end. let this battle truly begin Brother Azriel."

"Come and try."

Alltalar charged Azriel his sword grasped firmly in his hand glowing slightly even in the rain as Azreils weapon turned a hot red infused with dark magic.

The battle to end the world commenced

This time you overused "battle." In the previous part you said "the battle has just begun." Don't used the same words so often. Heck, in some cases, you don't even need the word. "Stood back up" is ... repetitive and awkard. Say, "stood up again" if you want to show a repeated motion. But since you mention later on in the sentance that the motions are repeating, it's unnessary. "Try and war" I don't think is correct grammer. I understand what you were going for, but it's comes out as incorrect grammer. I see wht you ment by putting in "even" but again, it doesn't flow. Despite will give the same meaning and also flow better.

This whole paragraph/sentance:

Quote:

Alltalar charged Azriel his sword grasped firmly in his hand glowing slightly even in the rain as Azreils weapon turned a hot red infused with dark magic.

Needs to be re-arranged. I've done it to my liking, but you'll need to do it to your liking. There are just too many thoughts for it to be one sentence.



"That is what you think, Brother Alltalar, but only one of us will survive this."

Alltalar stood up and drew his sword once more.

"I cannot understand how someone that used to be so devoted to our people has turned on us like a treacherous snake; you dare try to war against your own people. This is the day where you will meet your end. Let this fight truly begin, Brother Azriel."

"Come and try."

Alltalar charged Azriel, his sword grasped firmly in his hand, glowing slightly despite the rain; Azreil's weapon turned a hot red, infused with dark magic.

The war to end the world commenced.



It's a good beginning, though a bit cheezy in my mind. Just vary the word choice and check your grammer. Other than that, I kinda like it. 3nodding Keep it up.  

[WildWildWindWhisperer]

Alltalar

The clouds blackened as rain poured down from the sky a clash of lightning revealed two opponents who stood facing off against one another, The first who was dressed in dark clothing grinned as a touch of blood ran down the side of his mouth; his aegis blade in hand he charged his opponent who quickly brought his own Aegis blade to bear deflecting the attack sending his opponent sprawling into the wet grass.

"Give it up you are too weak to defend anyone." the man in white clothing proclaimed as he raised his aegis blade high above him letting the full shine glow with a gathering power as he prepared to finish off his would be opponent.

"That is where you are wrong evil one the battle has only begun."

The man in white clothing brought the aegis blade to bear and snorted at his opponent.

"That is what you think, Brother Alltalar but only one of us will survive this battle."

Alltalar stood back up and drew his sword once more.

"I cannot understand how someone that used to be so devoted to our people has turned on us like a treacherous snake, you dare try and war against your own people; this is the day where you will meet your end. let this battle truly begin Brother Azriel."

"Come and try."

Alltalar charged Azriel his sword grasped firmly in his hand glowing slightly even in the rain as Azreils weapon turned a hot red infused with dark magic.

The battle to end the world commenced

****


Like the beginning...
..Good effort for 1st draft.....after a few edits you shall have a great 1st chapter to a good story.

Thank you for sharing!

Later...
............WindWhisperer wink


wahmbulance wahmbulance wahmbulance wahmbulance  

[Alltalar]

Lotsa effort has been put through to make my story better and I thank you all now on the the edit!!! and backstory!!!  

[Alltalar]

Alright this story will tell the path of Alltalars servitude and loyality to his Queen. and maybe even a romance type thing later.  

[Alltalar]

I've improved on the first part of the story its in the first sectionchekc it out and tell me if I did better look foward to hearin for ya guys1