Animal Jokes

[BigJammer]

Got any good Animal Jokes Post here  

[BigJammer]

After a number of attacks on hikers and campers in Alaska, the Department of Fish and Game released the following advisory:
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper.  

[BigJammer]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?" The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself... I pooped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you here for?" they asked.

"Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?"

"No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."  

[BigJammer]

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree??
coz it was holding on to the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree??
coz it thought the 2 monkeys were playing a game and wanted to join in!

why did tarzan die?
coz 3 monkeys fell on him  

[Wolfeona The Wise]

How To Wash The Cat>=)

1. Clean toilet thoroughly
2. Lift lid add shampoo
3. Go find cat
4. While making soothing noises carry cat to bathroom
5. Quickly place cat in toilet and close lid
6. Do not be alarmed by noises coming from toilet. Cat is simply thrashing about trying to soap itself.
7. Give him about a minute
8. The flush toilet several time letting toilet fill back up after each flush
9. Then have some one open the outside door and left toilet lid while moving quickly out of the way
10. Cat will run out side and air dry

Sincerely your dog  

[[.NikNik.Chan.]]

I Just Made A Thread Like This...
Didn't Notice This One !!

.....

There Once Was A Puppy Called May, Who Loved To Pick Fights With Animals Who Were Bigger Than Her. One Day She Came Across A Lion And Started To Argue. The Next Day Was The 1st Of June.

Why ?

Because That Was The End Of May !

 

[teddytoles]

I warn ahead of time, this joke is slightly dirty.

A cowboy comes walking into the train looking the best a cowboy could. He asks the women to sit next to her on the train. She says "no, cowboys are filthy, filthy people. They have sex with pigs, horses, chickens, cows, women, men, and prostitutes." The cowboy looks at the woman confused and says "chickens?"

 

[Sogeki Skellington]

A camel and an elephant are talking. The elephant asks "Hey, why are your tits on your back?" The camel replies "I don't know, why do you have a big limp d**k on your face"  

[haloshatterer v2]

a penguin was drining down the highway in his car when he suddenly breaks down, he calls a mechanic but the mechanic won't reach him for about an hour and a half. with the call ended, the penguin decides to have some ice cream while he waits, so he heads to a milk bar and orders some vanilla ice cream. an hour later the penguin heads back to his car and the mechanic has arrived, the mechanic pops the bonnet and has a look around. after tinkering for a bit he looks at the penguin and says "it looks like you've blown a seal." the penguin replies, "no, it's just ice cream."  

[haloshatterer v2]

goldilocks

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET