Need relationship advice; warning, LONG

[trampyre]

Yeah I know, asking strangers on the 'net for relationship advice... haha, here goes anyway.

I have been with this guy for 3 years. We have been pretty much stable, not a whole lot of fights, there was one break up that lasted all of a week before we got back together. I kept telling him we had to have faith that we could make our relationship work no matter what. Well, I am starting to see things differently after 3 years of being together.

I feel like I have become a different person since we first started dating. When I first entered the relationship, I was simultaneously leaving a bad one. So I wonder if convenience had something to do with it, but that's not the main point I'm worried about.

About a year ago I went vegan (having previously been ovo-lacto vegetarian for 8 years), and since then I've become more and more committed to living a greener, healthier, and more compassionate way of life.

Yes, I know some people will say it's unreasonable to expect someone to change their beliefs in order to be in a relationship, but the vegan way of life is so important to me, it's something I can no longer ignore. The only adequate parallel I can make to illustrate the importance of being vegan for me is to say it is a religion, one which I am very strict in following, and intend to devote my life to. Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't really care what he eats, lives an extremely unhealthy lifestyle (I'd say he's headed for a heart attack at age 40, in fact), and nothing I say or do will make him change his habits. However he is fiercely independent to the point that he will deliberately not listen to me even if what I say makes more sense than what he says. My boyfriend has sporadically tried to eat vegetarian foods, but he's never made a concerted effort to really go vegetarian. Some people will say it's "controlling" to want your lover to eat a certain diet, but I ask you, if you were a die-hard Christian, how difficult it would be to marry an Atheist.

The other factor is distance. 2 years of our relationship have been long-distance and polyamorous. He's taken up with another chick who is basically a ******** friend. Despite my freedom to take up with anyone else, I have not done so because, well, I just haven't been lucky in finding other interested parties. Polyamory is not everyone's cup of tea.

Throughout our time apart, he's shown progressively less interest in nurturing our relationship, and more interest in spending time with his friends. He complains that he has no time because he's so busy... his friends get like 3 days a week worth of his time while I get maybe 3 hours a week, and even that is "a lot".

Every time he's had the choice between putting the relationship first and putting himself first, he's chosen himself. Let me explain. Two years ago, he moved across the continent to do his PhD. He could have applied to programs here (that would have been better for him, even), but did not because he was worried it would look bad to get all three degrees from the same institution, and because the weather was nicer out west, and he had more family. Well two years later he's flunked out of his program because guess what he picked the WRONG one, wrong supervisor, wrong committee, wrong school. That and he completely blew his studies to spend time gaming and partying with his friends every other day. Well, now he realises his folly and is thinking of moving back here. I've asked him several times if he wanted to move in together, because, you'd think that after three years of a (relatively) good relationship, that would be the next step - to find out if you can live with the person. Well, I still haven't received a clear yes or a clear no on that one. It's not like I've asked him to marry me, the mistake that most girls make. I could really care less about getting married. I just want to be closer to him, and try to build our relationship further. But now looking back I am not sure he's worth it any more. I have always been left behind, I've always been a secondary consideration. Now I'm thinking that if he really loved me, he would have made better choices.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that a lot of our friends are quite simply "our" friends and I am worried about the possibility of creating a division and losing friends. I have very few friends to begin with because I am rather selective, I can't imagine what it would be like to have any fewer than what I now have, or how I could possibly make more/better friends. I feel rather trapped by the entire situation.

I feel like we've grown apart and there is no point in continuing. The problem is I still feel so ambivalent about calling it quits because I've always held this philosophy that I should give everything my best shot. But now I really don't know how much more I can take; I'm almost 25 and I suddenly feel like time is slipping away. I am worried that my life is being wasted on someone who does not appreciate me for who I am or hold the same core values I do. I either want my relationship to go somewhere decisively, or to break it off in hopes of finding something better. Someone please give me advice. I'm feeling so lost right now.  

[UraniumMonk]

It sounds like you're both holding each other back. I'd say it's time to let go. Another thing, a successful relationship requires that both parties be able to accept each others' differences, and it sounds like you guys can't do that. Move on and find somebody more compatible.  

[-Resurrected Writer-]

Sounds pretty neglectful. If things don't improve soon, it'd be best to end it.  

[MortSanglant]

Well, Trampy, it does seem like you have a lot on your plate.

What I believe is that you know you want to end this relationship, but you want assurance from others that you're really doing the right thing.

And you know that even though we're all digitized friends, we're here for you at the guild.

That being said, I'm going to address what you've addressed in as best a way as I can with the information that you've given me.

First off, three years is a long time; therefore, I can understand this being a difficult decision for you to make. There's nothing wrong with you for struggling with the prospect of letting him go. But like I said, I think you know what you need to do.

You mentioned your issues with being vegan and him not caring about what he eats. While I do understand your need to share this aspect of your life with him - I am that Christian you mentioned who would find it difficult to marry someone of another faith - you need to remember that you weren't that "in to" veganism before. So this is a change that you've made over time. He may see this as a passing phase, so he doesn't care. Plus, he's a guy. He doesn't want to be told how to eat. That saying, "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach" can somehow apply here. Guys like food. It's not too smart to try and mess with their freedom in eating it. Anywho, my point is, from what I've read, he doesn't want to be vegan or vegetarian. So either you must accept that and learn to live with it, or come to a conclusion that it's something too important to you and let him go, thus freeing yourself to find someone who you can share that lifestyle with.

So if you do end things with him this will teach you something in looking for your next partner. Before making any kind of committment at all, make sure you know that vital bit about them. That way you won't get stuck in a relationship like this. [In reference to the vegan/non-vegan thing]

I'm not against long-distance relationships, but I can say that it is a problem for your relationship. From what you've said it seems you've agreed to this polyamory situation, but I'll tell you that that's another issue. Some people can live with that, but most likely it's something that haunts you in your mind that he's with another woman - emotions involved or not. I know I couldn't deal with that.

If he's putting everything on the earth before you, he's not worth your time. Sure, you probably got along famously in the beginning. It's those blissful times in the beginning plus the length of your relationship that make it so difficult to end it. I know.

Now, know this, I'm not saying he's completely wrong. He may have just made a mistake in his path choice for his life. It seems like he just got himself messed up in the process of what he originally set out to do. He might really be looking to straighten out. Or he might be putting on an act. The question is, are you willing to take more time to find out? You said you are 25 and feel like time is just fleeing your hands. What you have with this guy really seems to be just dying out. With the information you gave it really doesn't seem too hopeful for recovery. My speculation is that any waiting around for things to look up would be in vain. I do understand the desire to put forth your best in everything and to keep a faith in what you've had with this man to work out, but sometimes you just have to let it go. If he hasn't answered you about living together yet then he most likely doesn't want to. To him, living together might be just as much as a death sentence as marriage.

Regarding the friend issue, it is tough to leave someone when you know that the friends you have now are your friends because of that person. But if they don't remain your friends because you break up with this guy, then they truly aren't your friends. I know what it's like to have few friends. It can be lonely sometimes. It may sound cliche and almost like a "plug" for Christianity, but it's those times that I feel lonely that I'm glad I have my family in Christ and Jesus himself. When I think of that I'm never lonely.

Anyway, as a sum up, it really seems like he's not putting forth any effort. And regarding the veganism, if it's something you feel so strongly about you should find someone who holds that same strength on the issue. Remember, it's never hopeless. And never look at being single as a curse. Being single is a wonderful thing because it gives you that time to redefine yourself, to strengthen yourself and relationships with others. Being single gives you the time to cleanse yourself of the last relationship, dwell on what you learned from that relationship, and plan for how you might conduct the next one.

I know you'll make the right choice. I hope I've helped you. If you need to talk you can always PM me.

3nodding

Good luck.

heart

 

[Hunter of the Dammed]

trampyre

Yeah I know, asking strangers on the 'net for relationship advice... haha, here goes anyway.

I have been with this guy for 3 years. We have been pretty much stable, not a whole lot of fights, there was one break up that lasted all of a week before we got back together. I kept telling him we had to have faith that we could make our relationship work no matter what. Well, I am starting to see things differently after 3 years of being together.

I feel like I have become a different person since we first started dating. When I first entered the relationship, I was simultaneously leaving a bad one. So I wonder if convenience had something to do with it, but that's not the main point I'm worried about.

About a year ago I went vegan (having previously been ovo-lacto vegetarian for 8 years), and since then I've become more and more committed to living a greener, healthier, and more compassionate way of life.

Yes, I know some people will say it's unreasonable to expect someone to change their beliefs in order to be in a relationship, but the vegan way of life is so important to me, it's something I can no longer ignore. The only adequate parallel I can make to illustrate the importance of being vegan for me is to say it is a religion, one which I am very strict in following, and intend to devote my life to. Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't really care what he eats, lives an extremely unhealthy lifestyle (I'd say he's headed for a heart attack at age 40, in fact), and nothing I say or do will make him change his habits. However he is fiercely independent to the point that he will deliberately not listen to me even if what I say makes more sense than what he says. My boyfriend has sporadically tried to eat vegetarian foods, but he's never made a concerted effort to really go vegetarian. Some people will say it's "controlling" to want your lover to eat a certain diet, but I ask you, if you were a die-hard Christian, how difficult it would be to marry an Atheist.

The other factor is distance. 2 years of our relationship have been long-distance and polyamorous. He's taken up with another chick who is basically a ******** friend. Despite my freedom to take up with anyone else, I have not done so because, well, I just haven't been lucky in finding other interested parties. Polyamory is not everyone's cup of tea.

Throughout our time apart, he's shown progressively less interest in nurturing our relationship, and more interest in spending time with his friends. He complains that he has no time because he's so busy... his friends get like 3 days a week worth of his time while I get maybe 3 hours a week, and even that is "a lot".

Every time he's had the choice between putting the relationship first and putting himself first, he's chosen himself. Let me explain. Two years ago, he moved across the continent to do his PhD. He could have applied to programs here (that would have been better for him, even), but did not because he was worried it would look bad to get all three degrees from the same institution, and because the weather was nicer out west, and he had more family. Well two years later he's flunked out of his program because guess what he picked the WRONG one, wrong supervisor, wrong committee, wrong school. That and he completely blew his studies to spend time gaming and partying with his friends every other day. Well, now he realises his folly and is thinking of moving back here. I've asked him several times if he wanted to move in together, because, you'd think that after three years of a (relatively) good relationship, that would be the next step - to find out if you can live with the person. Well, I still haven't received a clear yes or a clear no on that one. It's not like I've asked him to marry me, the mistake that most girls make. I could really care less about getting married. I just want to be closer to him, and try to build our relationship further. But now looking back I am not sure he's worth it any more. I have always been left behind, I've always been a secondary consideration. Now I'm thinking that if he really loved me, he would have made better choices.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that a lot of our friends are quite simply "our" friends and I am worried about the possibility of creating a division and losing friends. I have very few friends to begin with because I am rather selective, I can't imagine what it would be like to have any fewer than what I now have, or how I could possibly make more/better friends. I feel rather trapped by the entire situation.

I feel like we've grown apart and there is no point in continuing. The problem is I still feel so ambivalent about calling it quits because I've always held this philosophy that I should give everything my best shot. But now I really don't know how much more I can take; I'm almost 25 and I suddenly feel like time is slipping away. I am worried that my life is being wasted on someone who does not appreciate me for who I am or hold the same core values I do. I either want my relationship to go somewhere decisively, or to break it off in hopes of finding something better. Someone please give me advice. I'm feeling so lost right now.

dump him and i friends ditch you then there rely not your friends.  

[lurichan]

I would have to agree with a lot of the points that Morty made.

You did choose to change your lifestyle and eating habits, and it's a bit unfair to expect him to change because you did. Granted I can understand wanting to have him share everything with you, but sometimes people have to agree to disagree on some things. No two people are going to agree on every single thing in life, and if you can't accept your differences then it won't work out overall.

I also think that perhaps his moving somewhere else might have been a way of trying to put distance between the two of you. Perhaps it was his own way of saying he wants the relationship to end, but didn't actually want to end it.

I can understand that you have invested a lot of time and emotions in this relationship, and it's never easy to break up with someone you've cared about for so long, but are you really happy anymore? If you don't feel like you're happy and you don't feel like things can ever be resolved, then perhaps it is time to close this chapter of your life and move on.  

[Mavrikios1]

hmm... i dunno, tryin to get someone to change eating habits, i dont see how itsa big part of this but i say the more important issues are the distance and time talking to each other.

if he's not willing to be around for you, i really see no point in waiting for him. when my girl calls me i drop whatever and talk with her..long distance as well which to me makes my time more valuable.

i think you might be happier if you found someone that shared more of the same interests as you, and will be able to talk or be closer or whatever it is your looking for.

i would say end it.

-I'm not the greatest help but i try-  

[Isobel Bellamy]

For the short answer - he's not worth it; find someone better suited to you.

I do understand the agree to disagree argument, but personally I can't stand to be in relationships where my partner won't respect my beliefs (if he does respect your view on veganism then ignore that part, if however, he openly rejects your view I say show him the door just on that, to not at least partly share or fully understand your view on the world isn't a sound basis for a relationship).

As for the polyamoury........that can work very well if both of the partners are mature and fully understand each other's view, but frankly, it sounds to me as if this guy wants things both ways; a little ******** buddy and a fall back if anything goes wrong.

If you want to keep these friends if you do split, keep the split as amicable as possible, don't attack, don't let anything get nasty, make sure he understands why you don't want to be with him anymore. However, this situation does sound like he doesn't want to be in the realationship anyway but doesn't really have the guts to say so (or wants to have someone as a fall back). Say that you feel like you've grown apart but you'd like to still be amicable (even if you're thinking "die b*****d die!!") - if only to keep your friends, but if they do desert you then they really weren't friends in the first place (as said previously).  

[skater1469]

seems you think differently about him now  

[Exodus2]

things are changing, you should move on and leave him, after all he has done stuff without keeping you in mind even though you havent. He hardley seems to care and if you keep on going then you'lle only hurt yourself  

[Exodus2]

Also, if you need someone to talk to, you can pm me and i will get back to you when i can  

[Dante Omura]

you can do better and I know three years is a long time but things change couples that have been married 12yrs get divorced and they move on length of time is nothing if it sucks the entire trip.