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 Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:13 pm
I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for some time and ive come to the relization that he is indeed, anti counter culter. Hes replused by tattoos, percings, black clothes and dyed hair.
Yet somehow still manages to be attracted to me. Throughout the relationship we've maded compermises, such as henna tattoos instead of real ones, modest body pearcings and clever dye jobs that could be considered natural.
Yet i feel as though hes trying to change me, His snided remarks about my friends clothings, my collection of photos and tastes in music are starting to weight heavly on my heart.
He is several years older, and regards this as a phase. When I am old enough to know that it is not.
My heart weighs ill with the thought of leaving him, yet at the same time I cant bear lying to myself. Theses compermises i settle for satisfy him more then me, and i feel as if my integrity is being tainted.
does this quailfy as an abusive relationship?
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Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 11:55 pm
That's really a hard one. It does sound like he has a very controling streak to him... and that you are allowing him to control you by giving in to his demands.
There are really two courses of action you can take. You can tell him "this is who I am, and if you don't like it too bad", or you can let him slowly change you and let the spark that makes you happy slowly fade away until you no longer feel like you know yourself any longer.
It partially depends on do you really truely love him enough to be willing to give up some of your self for him? Are you willing to change what makes you who you are in order to placiate his sensabilities? Do you truely feel happy when you are around him, or does it feel more like you are being controled?
As with any relationship it's hard to say much without knowing both sides of the situation, so the best advice that can be given is to take some time and examine your relationship for yourself. As yourself a few questions like the following:
Am I happy?
Do I feel happy around him?
Do I feel unhappy around him?
Am I comfortable in this relationship?
Do I have any things I can't stand about him?
What do I really love about him?
Are we friends?
Would we be friends if we weren't together?
Can I rely on him?
Can I trust him?
Is he trying to change me?
Am I trying to change him?
Will changing one another work?
Are there ways to make both of us truely happy?
Do I want to stay within these limitations?
I think that's a good set of questions, though you can add or subtract as many as you would like. Take a least a good 15 minutes to be introspective about your relationship and answer yourself as honestly as possible, even if it is brutally honest at points. Some people even have a monologue where they talk to themselves out loud to hear their own voice answering the questions presented. After hearing your own answers, then it would be time to decide how to proceed next.
I think that's the best I can give you.
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-Resurrected Writer- Crew
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 3:11 pm
That is some sound advice, Lurichan 3nodding
Also, it may be best if you explained to your boyfriend why the things counter-culture-esque about you are what you enjoy.
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 3:59 pm
Look, if you got a tat and he suddenly didn't love you then he's a pretty useless boyfriend.
Get your labret done and see what he does. Then you'll really know if you should be worried about your relationship or not.
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 4:06 pm
Nyed I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for some time and ive come to the relization that he is indeed, anti counter culter. Hes replused by tattoos, percings, black clothes and dyed hair.
Yet somehow still manages to be attracted to me. Throughout the relationship we've maded compermises, such as henna tattoos instead of real ones, modest body pearcings and clever dye jobs that could be considered natural.
Yet i feel as though hes trying to change me, His snided remarks about my friends clothings, my collection of photos and tastes in music are starting to weight heavly on my heart.
He is several years older, and regards this as a phase. When I am old enough to know that it is not.
My heart weighs ill with the thought of leaving him, yet at the same time I cant bear lying to myself. Theses compermises i settle for satisfy him more then me, and i feel as if my integrity is being tainted.
does this quailfy as an abusive relationship? That is a hard one......
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:38 pm
i'm just curious what attracted him to you in the first place?
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:38 pm
ketchakik i'm just curious what attracted him to you in the first place? hes on the same level as me intellegntly, we both shair the same career paths, have the same sense of humor and generally i find him physcally attractive.
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:54 pm
lurichan There are really two courses of action you can take. You can tell him "this is who I am, and if you don't like it too bad", or you can let him slowly change you and let the spark that makes you happy slowly fade away until you no longer feel like you know yourself any longer. It partially depends on do you really truely love him enough to be willing to give up some of your self for him? Are you willing to change what makes you who you are in order to placiate his sensabilities? Do you truely feel happy when you are around him, or does it feel more like you are being controled? Though I think you had some very good advice in your post, I'd just like to point out that you're assuming that it's the tattooes, piercings, clothing and music that make a person who they are. I agree with you that such things are a reflection thereof and can be a lot of fun (hell, I have my hair dyed with red streaks because it's a good expression of myself), but I don't think that an appearance/material possessions make a person - not at all. You should be fully capable of being you with or without your things. That's buying into the idea of a material soul, and... ::shrug:: I don't know. It just seems so fake to me. Again, I know that appearance is an expression of self (and a good one), but it shouldn't be the one you rely upon. : ) Just a little schemantic thing and, I suppose, not very important to the current discussion, but something I find to be important nonetheless. Quote: hes on the same level as me intellegntly, we both shair the same career paths, have the same sense of humor and generally i find him physcally attractive. Is that the only reason you're with him? Because if so, no where on there do I see "personality", and that's a bit of a problem. Even if he is smart and funny and headed in the same direction as you, that's not enough to build a relationship out of. You need to like him for *who he is* and he, likewise, should like you for who YOU are. If he doesn't, there's an intrinsic problem in the relationship. Keep in mind that a lasting relationship is all about compromise. You can't act as though you're the only one your life effects when you're seriously dating someone, because the decisions you make start to matter to other people as well. No relationship lasts without compromise. That said, though, you two should be basically close enough that there isn't a need to compromise on every little thing. I would say, given what you've told me, that you should talk to him, tell him exactly what you're telling us and tell him that you can't compromise on every little thing anymore - at least not to this extent. Try to get him to bend a little bit towards you. Maybe get a small tattoo on your ankle to start with. Hell, even ask him to help you pick the pattern so that you'll both enjoy it. He might even like it, in the end. You shouldn't be the only one changing, here. He ought to be making some concessions for you as well. It's all part of the give and take that a relationship needs. I know that that was a pretty badly ordered post, but I'll hope that you can get something out of it. : ) Good luck with your boy!
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 5:38 pm
Okay let me start with saying that if you have to change yourself to be with a person it's not the relationship for you. A lover should compliment you're life not tear it. In response to him not l liking the way your friends are, while he isn't obligated to like them he should respect them. Likewise he should respect you and the way you are. And obviously you're clothes, music choice and your counter-culture style are what you are.
All in all it seems he's waiting for you to change. It's definitely evident if he says that your intrests are apart of a "phase." You can't have a relationship thinking you can change a person. I mean if you have to change a person to be with them, were they really the person for you in the first place?
It comes down to the question of whats more important: Him and his satisfaction or you and what you stand for? Hopefully it's you and what you stand for. Don't sacrifice yourself to make someone else happy, in the end it will only tear you apart and make you depressed.
I hope some of what I said was helpful.
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 5:40 pm
Nyed ketchakik i'm just curious what attracted him to you in the first place? hes on the same level as me intellegntly, we both shair the same career paths, have the same sense of humor and generally i find him physcally attractive. That is great....
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 8:12 pm
Nyed I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for some time and ive come to the relization that he is indeed, anti counter culter. Hes replused by tattoos, percings, black clothes and dyed hair.
Yet somehow still manages to be attracted to me. Throughout the relationship we've maded compermises, such as henna tattoos instead of real ones, modest body pearcings and clever dye jobs that could be considered natural.
Yet i feel as though hes trying to change me, His snided remarks about my friends clothings, my collection of photos and tastes in music are starting to weight heavly on my heart.
He is several years older, and regards this as a phase. When I am old enough to know that it is not.
My heart weighs ill with the thought of leaving him, yet at the same time I cant bear lying to myself. Theses compermises i settle for satisfy him more then me, and i feel as if my integrity is being tainted.
does this quailfy as an abusive relationship? I don't think it qualifies as abusive, you two just don't sound very compatible. Have you actually told him that this is who you are, and it's not changing?
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 9:20 pm
Listen to lurichan... You can't just alow things to continue as they are, because even if you care for him, you must be true to who you are as a person. Don't supress what makes you happy to please him, or anyone else, because no relationship can last under those cecomstances.
You've given up alot for this relationship, so what is he willing to give up for you? The put downs for your friends and you likes would certainly be a good start.
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 10:45 pm
spooky_sez Look, if you got a tat and he suddenly didn't love you then he's a pretty useless boyfriend.
Get your labret done and see what he does. Then you'll really know if you should be worried about your relationship or not. I got a tattoo and my boyfriend hates tattoos on girls but he accepted the fact that I have a mind of my own and I'll damn well do as I please. Tell him the same thing and see what he says and tell him how you feel about the whole situation.
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Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 8:37 am
If he really loves you, he should be accepting you for who you are. If he can't deal with the stuff you do, then kick him in the balls and walk away. Well, mabey not, but don't let him walk all over you.
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Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 12:11 pm
If you're not happy, you need to tell him that. Tell him that you want this to work, but he has to accept youfor who you are. He needs to stop criticizing you, stop trying to change you, and if he has a problem with who you are, that's not your problem. If he leaves, good riddance to him. If he doesn't stop, you really should leave him for some who accepts you and loves you for who you are!
I was in a situation like this once, where my (now ex) boyfriend couldn't accept who I was and was getting a little abusive, just like yours is. I couldn't take it anymore, and when he was away I wrote a blog entry on how no one owns me, no one can tell me what to do, and if someone doesn't like it, they're free to leave. He left, and basically dumped me in a comment on the blog entry, so needless to say I was not upset that he left.
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