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Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 3:03 pm
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Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 5:47 am
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Pirate4Life45 Little Moments
With each step you take, Inhale and enjoy the view. With every breath that comes, Smile as if the day is new. <--- I love the first stanza. It's bright and it flows very nicely. One thing I must say though, and I find this happens with a lot of peoples poetry, is that it just jumps to the point. Maybe you can add something before this. Talk about a bad day or something, then the poem can be about why you're not going to worry about it.Hold your head high toward the clouds, <--- this phrase seems a bit awkward to me. After the pattern that you set in the first stanza, this line sets a new pattern and throws off the flow slightly.Let the angels above see your smile. Stand silently beneath a blanket of stars, <--- This line again throws off the flow somewhere between "silently" and "beneath"Just waiting and watching for awhile.
We must learn in our hearts that, <---Again, the new stanza throws off the flow and starts a new pattern.Life's not how many breaths you take in a day. Instead, people should teach, It's about the little moments that take your breath away. <--- This last stanza seems to stutter a bit...but just a bit when it's alone. When you put it with the whole poem, it seems to stutter more. I love the poem and the ideas behind it. Something you need to work on is when setting a pattern of syllables, you set it in the first stanza and you keep it. When you break poems into stanzas like this, you need to make sure all the stanzas flow equally, not only alone, but with eachother as well. Overall, I do think it's a great poem and a great message and I am definately looking forward to hearing more from you. 3nodding
Also something that might help is reading it out loud if you can't find the flow. You can tell it flows nicely if the first time you read it aloud, there is no hesitation. You should be able to read through a poem as if it were a sentence. If you have to stop and regain your focus in the middle of it, you know that's a stutter in the poem...almost like an inappropriate, comma, in a sentence or a wrong words in the middle.
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Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:45 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 10:33 pm
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WildWildWindWhisperer Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 11:25 am
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:45 pm
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 11:32 am
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