The Thorn.

[rain-one]

(You just knew I would end up in the poetry forum. Now I will never leave!)

Er... this is my first poem on Gaia since my new account. I love feedback (feeeeeeeeeeeed me feedback) and criticism of the useful and coherent variety is more than welcome.

I wrote this about five minutes ago.

The Thorn.
(to stop hurting you)

you turn
your face
away from me;

say I make you
sick -

I make you sick.

and with only words,
you make me become
the thorn.

I, the illness
that twists your stomach;

I,
the venom
that poisons your breath;

I speak as
your treacherous,
torturous disease:

oh, god,
what I'd give to be
free of your veins.

oh, my enemy and creator,
the thorn in your skin

would die to
return to its vine
and just be.

(find more at any time at the world in words.)  

[hippiepoet1964]

Hmmm I thought this was good. I like how you made the "I" stand out. As I was reading it, it felt as though the "I" (that person) was crying out to be heard. I love how the lines are short and choppy. I no where near feel like I could tell anyone how to write their work, for it is all an individual thing, a journey so to speak. I was looking at these lines and wonder why the "I" was not made so important here though....
I was reading it like this in my head, focusing on the importance of "I".

I
I who speak as
your treacherous,
torturous disease....

Anywho. biggrin I love how you penned it as well. Thank you for sharing. Good stuff.
Peace  

[Lord_Skyy]

FEED! HUNGRY!

*Ahem* Anyways, make it into a song! It would sound really nice, with music similar to Stand My Ground by Within Temptation. I like the way you built up towards the end. Flowing, emotional... pleading confession?