LONG JOKES!!!

[xIPOOHBEARx]

LMAO xd  

[vodbog]

Three women die in a car crash, and meet at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must pass a laughing test before they can go to Heaven.

There is a giant stairway, and the girls must climb up it. They mustn't laugh, even though there is a joke on each step. If they don't get to the top without laughing, they will go to hell.

The first girl, with ginger hair, gets to the 34th step, then bursts out laughing.
The second, a brunette, gets to the 79th step, then gives the most silent of chuckles.
The third girl, who is blonde, makes it to the top, and goes to heaven. About two weeks later, she starts laughing uncontrollably, and when asked why she was laughing, she replied "I just got the first question!"  

[vodbog]

Three men are tracking in the jungle - a Welsh guy, a Scotsman, and an English guy. [Scotland and Wales always pick on the English in these jokes...] They fall into a trap set by a nearby tribe, and get taken to their village. The leader tells them that they may be let go if they go back into the jungle with a guard, and come back with ten of the same fruit. If they don't succeed, then they will be cooked and eaten.
The Scotsman comes back first with ten apples. He is congratulated, and told to stuff them up his bottom without making any sounds, or any facial expressions. He will be eaten if he doesn't succeed. The man agrees, and manages to get two in, but on the third, he winces. He is cooked and eaten. The tribe think that the apple gives him that little extra flavour.
Next, the Welsh Guy arrives with ten cherries. The leader, slightly disappointed, tells him to do the same. He gets to the ninth cherry, then bursts out laughing. He is cooked and eaten.
The Scotsman and the Welsh Guy meet in heaven, and the Scotsman asks "Why did you laugh? You had it all going for you!"
The Welsh Guy replies "Well, I saw the English guy come back with Pineapples!"  

[vodbog]

An English Man, a Scottish Man and a Welsh man are being tortured in a foreign country for calling their children Muhammad, Buddha, and Jesus.

The torturer is kind, so when the Englishman man comes to be whipped, he says "I admire your county's culture, so I will grant you one reasonable wish..." The Englishman asks for the number of whips to be reduced by twenty. His wish is granted. He goes back to his cell with a very sore back, but he is grateful.
To the Scottish Man, the torturer says "Your country is beautiful, and I admire the way men are brave enough to wear skir- erm, kilts, so for you, I will grant two wishes within reason." The man asks that his whips be reduced by 20, and that a mattress is tied to his back. His wishes are granted, but he still returns to his cell with a reasonably sore back, as the mattress broke after a while.
The Welsh Man was told by the torturer "Your country is beautiful, you've made such a big effort to keep your language alive, and your water clean, so I will grant you two wishes within reason." The Welsh Man thought it unfair to have two wishes for three factors, but he took them none the less. First, he wished for the number of whippings to be raised by one hundred. Everyone thought he was mad! Then he asked to have the English Man tied to his back.

blaugh Ehehe rofl  

[vodbog]

Three men, the same as above, were driving their jeep through the desert, when they were attacked by a native tribe. The leader told them that they could live if they told the tribe one effective way each of keeping cool in the desert.

The Welsh Man said "Well, that's easy! Just keep a lot of water with you, then when you get hot, drink some!" The tribe let him go.

The Scottish Man said "Well, that's easy! You just wear as little clothes as possible and have a hat on!" He was released.

The English Man said "Well, that's easy! You carry a car door around with you, then when you get hot, you wind the window down!"  

[vodbog]

Hehe! I'm on a roll!

A blonde walks into an appliances store, gets a television, and takes it to the counter. "Could I buy this TV please?" She asks politely.

The till man shakes his head. "No. We don't sell to blonde's."
The woman goes back home, and dies her hair brown. She returns to the store, and asks again. The reply is the same. Darn, she thinks, he recognized me.
She goes back home again, and makes a full disguise, which no one should be able to see through. Again, she returns to the store and asks for the television. The reply is the same.
"Alright - how do you know I'm blonde?" She asks moodily.
"Because that's not a TV you're holding, it's a microwave..."