Walls

[Garret Issacs]

I know things have been a little... weired regarding my recent actions. said actions being the change of guild captain, the shutting of people out of my life, and of course Giving up as well as putting my walls back up. I typed this small thing up a few hours ago and a few realizations hit me.

Quote:

I looked down at her in her hole that was so deep you couldn't see the bottom or climb out. So I flew down to her and sat there with her and taught her how to feel again and show her there was still hope up there in the world we have so badly raped.

I had stayed down there for months learning of her and teaching her, it had been such a long time since I had seen the light. when the time came I gave her my wings to escape such a fate as this darkness. She took them willingly and stated to fly up back towards the world it was so diffrent then what she had saw before she was down here. She reached the top with a smile as she looked back down at me and thanked me before flying off to live her life.

I smiled back up at her and watched her fly away, still in the hole. I had taken her place so that she may be happy so I did what any angel in my place would have done. I sat down in the dirt and cried waiting for the heavens to take me back if at all. I had committed a crime, I gave my wings to someone else and now he would have me pay for it to the end of my time.


I've done some not so good things lately and because of it I may have lost the one I love for the rest of my life. the one I promised myself to, gave my heart and soul to her, my very life force. I showed her she could live again, feel again and love again. and she fell for me and I fell for her... deeply. there is so much I can no longer do because of her loss. I cannot listen to music let alone create it. I can't smile or laugh at east not real smiles and laughs.

I will miss her daily and dearly and there isn't a day go by where I don't shed one tear for her. I pack up my possessions that I hold close to me and I place them in the darkness never to be looked at again. I care less and less for my future everyday as it no longer holds meaning to me. my pictures revert back to loneliness and that long winding path I now again walk alone.

I am not a bad guy, I do not beat on anyone I do not drink, smoke or anything of the likes. I help those I can and have been called a hero by many of them and now I have slipped up and like every hero I am now shunned because of this. so I sit back where I once was. in a hole in the dark. the difference from now and then? now I sit in her hole and I am unwilling to help myself let alone anyone else. I sit in the dirt and in the dark hoping, wishing she will come back and rescue me. I don't see it happening but there is a chance. but it might take years.

She holds something very important, something no one else has ever had or ever will have. she has the key. the key to my walls and back into my heart. will she save me? I hope so. will I be disappointed if she doesn't? will I be mad or angry at her? no I will never be disappointed or angry with her I can't and I won't. I did what I thought was right and so did she. I hope she is happy wherever she is and will end up. I do, she deserves to be happy.

I realize I have lost her, possibly for now possibly forever but I will never give up the hope that she will come back. I realize that even with my walls up I still miss her and it still hurts her. she truthfully has destroyed me but I can accept that. I still miss her and I always will.

I understand I've done some stupid things recently not to mention some random and sparatic things. I don't want forgiveness for anything.

has anyone here closed themselves off from the world at some point in their lives? has anyone ever wanted to put up walls to stop a painful feeling or hurt?

I'm aware of the seriousness of this particular topic so all things said in here is strictly voluntary don't ever feel pressured by anything said in here.  

[Sonic Butterfly]

She's cool in bed
Well she oughta be 'cuz Ethyl's dead

Dude... been there... done that. I was the new kid at school for eight damn years. It was so easy to pick on me, either because I was sick all the time (I have the weakest immune system ever,) or I was the first to get braces, the only girl wearing glasses, the tallest in the class. Not to mention how bad my home life was. My brother's autistic, my dad's bipolar, and I got a lot of flack from my grandmother about how crazy I was. (I was eight when she started telling me I was crazy. Yeah, that's what you tell an eight year-old.)

On top of that I was being pressured to be everyone's perfect little angel and they had some damn high standards. I went into a deep depression and was diagnosed at 15, after years of being dismissed by psychiatrists. I also had a learning disability that went undiagnosed until college. I think I could also be a little autistic, but hell, it took six years to diagnose me the first time.

I let all of this get to me. I dug myself in so deep I began cutting. I wasn't doing it because it was the popular thing to do, (because it sure seems like it is these days,) I was doing it because the pressure built up so bad that it almost felt like popping a balloon. I was letting the pressure out. I had been so hurt my entire life that it just didn't seem like I had anything to live for.

So, seven years of therapy and getting kicked out of not one, but two support groups, here I am. Heavily medicated, but still kicking. I just want you to know, that there is life after all this, and even if she doesn't come back to you, you can move on, because you're stronger then that. You just have to wait these things out. I'm still not completely fixed. I may never be. But I'm willing to work on it. You've got to try.

Ethyl Ethyl let me squeeze you in my arms
Ethyl Ethyl come and freeze me with your charms

 

[Gunr]

I won't double post, so just look in "Leaving You."