Seemingly strong

[Rose_of_May]

To others I seem strong but I hold so much pain that I don't know how to get rid of. So much of my waking time is wishing i was eternally asleep. I feel like i have to keep my family happy and it's been almost a week since i quit my job. I don't know what i'm gonna do. I feel so lost and helpless. it's funny....I can use my gifts to hep others but when it comes to me i'm so alone...  

[Dragoness Arleeana]

That's much like how I used to be. I was miserable. I didn't HATE myself, or anyone. I would cry, for no reason. It just HURT. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted it to end. I felt empty, cold, apathetic. I wanted to sleep and never wake up.

I would always put on a face for everyone, because there was no way I could explain how I felt. I wasn't angry or anything like that. There was no word for it.

I don't know what it was, but I DID get over it. Wicca helped, but that wasn't the only thing. I think it's just something that some of us have to go through, for whatever reason. I've been there, I understand that it's different from want to kill yourself, that it's different from depression. I KNOW. There's just that empty feeling in your heart. Helpless. Despair. Not even those words are right for it. I PROMISE you though, it WILL end.

I still get that feeling from time to time, but it gets better every day. I'm in love now though, with someone who has promised to take care of me, no matter what. You will stop feeling like this, and when you find a person that will promise you that, it will be even better.  

[Rose_of_May]

i've been depressed since i was in 6th grade. and it has been good at times but it seems like my whole life is revolving around pleasing others, making them happy....no matter what. I was almost 17 when my life really went to hell...and since then it keeps getting worse. today i find out my roommate might screw me over come febuary and i'll have to find a cheaper place to live.  

[Dragoness Arleeana]

How old are you now? I was depressed long before I entered highschool, those were just the worst two years.

It sounds like your roomate isn't the best person to be around, maybe you NEED to find a different place to live. Try not to surround yourself with people like that. When you wake up, just think "Today WILL be a good day." Life is what we make of it and if we wake up thinking that the day will be horrible, it's GOING to be.

Take one day out of every week, or out of every month (depends on your schedule) to relax and do what YOU want to do.

You're constantly trying to please others. I know you might not realize it or believe it, but you can change that. YOU'RE the one that's choosing to do things that way. Just say "screw them all" and get it over with. It might seem like a bitchy, cold-hearted thing to do, but if this is driving you to depression, then it needs to be done. If they really love you, they'll understand. If not, well, it'll open you up to being able to find people who WILL care.  

[Rose_of_May]

i'm 21 as of nov 20th

one thing i am proud of is that i've stoped cutting. the temptation is still there sometimes but i don't do it. my brother drinks heavily and has admitted to doing crack and weed, so now i put my problems aside and deal with his. my oldest brother told me how proud he was of me with how i'm being independent and my job....but i can't tell them i quit......i would disappoint them.  

[Dragoness Arleeana]

Disapointment is part of life, you'll disapoint them even more when they DO find out and feel that you couldn't tell them. They'll get over it, YOU'LL get over it. It's nice that you're trying to help your brother, but maybe you should ask for help in that.

I know what it's like after you stop cutting. After I stopped I always felt like I had no way to let my feelings out. If you have the time, or make the time, join some type of physical activity. (karate is great for this!) It helps to releive stress and is good for depression. Rant on here all you want, people will listen!

As for your job. Find a new one. Even if it's working part-time. Hell, I'd say go and work at McDonalds, it might give you an ego boost when you meet some of the people who work there. (I know, that's wrong to say, but you never know!)

On a side note, your birthday is just three days after mine. wink I'm now 19  

[Rose_of_May]

worked there and quit.

i'm ok but thing are getting harder to deal with and i can't wait till my vacation from it all.  

[Dragoness Arleeana]

Have you quit many jobs? Try doing a job for awhile that isn't for the pay, just something that's fun. If you have any occult stores near you, maybe you could help out there. I know that I'd find that fun! Or maybe do some volonteer work for some churches around you. I know churches are ALWAYS doing fundraisers and all that and helping out is a GREAT way to make yourself feel better. Sure, it's still trying to help others, but it's a far more FUN way of doing it.

You're taking a vacation? How long and what are you doing?  

[Rose_of_May]

20th till i get back then the 11th of jan i'm getting two wisdom teeth removed  

[Dragoness Arleeana]

Well...that's an interesting way to get a vacation. xd But it's a vacation nonetheless. Since you won't be able to speak much (most people can't) you'll have plenty of time to think over things for yourself. Like how you're going to tell your familiy about your job. wink

I still have yet to have my wisdom teeth even start to come in and I'm already 19. I'm not complaining.  

[Rose_of_May]

as i fall into the deep dark hole of my depression all i can wish for is to will myself to let go of this body forever  

[Dragoness Arleeana]

Thinking that way isn't going to help. Stop thinking that there's only one final solution. There's not. There's plenty of solutions, plenty of paths, plenty of destinies to choose from. We are human, we have free will. We can choose what we want for ourselves. You need to stop thinking in a negative light and start looking at the positive. Set goals for yourself and MAKE them happen. Life isn't just going to fall into your lap. You have to grab it by the reigns and lead it where you want. If it's going in a direction you don't want it to go, then YOU need to change that. You say you feel like you're always trying to please others instead of helping yourself. Well, that's YOU'RE choice to do that. Stop thinking of others as much as you do and worry more about your life. It's YOU'RE decision to let things continue like this or to take control of yourself and your life and make happen what you want to happen.  

[Rose_of_May]

my grandpa is dying........one kidney is gone the other has two cancers on it. his lungs are really bad.  

[Dragoness Arleeana]

Death happens, then so does rebirth. It's not something you can control. Yes, be sad, that's normal. If he dies shed tears, because you will not know him again in this life. Don't blame yourself though, don't become depressed. Remember, he has taken the lessons from this life and will be reborn into a new life.  

[Rose_of_May]

everyone i have called grandpa has died.....now it's his turn



but on a little lighter note i have a new puppy. he's an american eskimo puppy named Frosty and he already has a pent on his collar biggrin