Poetry

[gamin247]

Alright I do write a little poetry so if I think of some I'll post it. Here is one poem, if you want give me feedback.

Mirror
When I look in the mirror I see a person in disguise
A person changing and never making up there mind
On some days fine and others bad
A person that never could understand
Seeing this person may make me feel down
But seeing this person, they never have a frown
Always happy and having a good time
When I see myself I am lost in time
Forever wondering around
Today I see myself again
A different person that isn't in disguise
A person in true colors this time
I'm not the one to let others down
But always the one not to make another frown
I am what I am and can't change
I'll show my true colors for the rest of my days
Today is the day I will look again
When I look in the mirror all I see is a friend

 

[Irishroseh]

It's pretty good, could use a revision maybe, but so could almost all writing. It's nice and deep though, I like deep poetry :]

However, I do think this belongs in the writers subforum.  

[gamin247]

Irishroseh

However, I do think this belongs in the writers subforum.

Your right, my mind has been totally out of it all day for some reason.  

[Otulissa]

Yes, this belongs in the Writers' Subforum. And it's all right; everyone has one of those days sometimes.

I will move it for you. ^_^  

[gamin247]

Otulissa

Yes, this belongs in the Writers' Subforum. And it's all right; everyone has one of those days sometimes.

I will move it for you. ^_^

thanks  

[Otulissa]

You are very welcome.  

[Otulissa]

And by the way, I love the poem! Very good! 3nodding Good rhymes by the way... Not too many rhymes, but just a bit for the flow. ^_^ I like it!  

[murderface]

Its rich in feeling.

One little niggle. Second line, 'there' should be 'their'. Its an easy mistake since spellcheck wont pick it up.  

[gamin247]

Lover

I saw the darkness and went toward the light
Wandering forward without any fright
When coming across a creature, I just continued on
Not knowing what else to find
Then something marvalous appeared
Another human being not strange or weird
She is mysterious in some ways, but not in others at all
I think to myself could this be my true lover
Pretty and smart all in one
Like a package deal wrapped up for someone
A secret I keep now and forever more
Is this a dream, or maybe more
When I look at her now my heart becomes sore
Always wanting more than before
One day I will say something to her, one day
Then my hearts acking will end and happiness will move in
Until then my journey has just begun

 

[Otulissa]

Yes, spell-check usually doesn't pick up words like that. Also, for "two," "to," and "too," and others that are pronounced similarly.  

[Otulissa]

About the "Lover" poem:

I love the lines: "Then my hearts acking will end and happiness will move in
Until then my journey has just begun"

Also, I like how you included some end rhyme, but still kept it soft and not 'silly' like a lot of end rhyme poems. I love it! Personally, I think if you were to include commas, periods should be included too. But that's just my opinion. I think if you added periods, it would make it more 'organized.' But, perhaps before you change anything, you should get a second opinion.

 

[gamin247]

Otulissa

About the "Lover" poem:

I love the lines: "Then my hearts acking will end and happiness will move in
Until then my journey has just begun"

Also, I like how you included some end rhyme, but still kept it soft and not 'silly' like a lot of end rhyme poems. I love it! Personally, I think if you were to include commas, periods should be included too. But that's just my opinion. I think if you added periods, it would make it more 'organized.' But, perhaps before you change anything, you should get a second opinion.

Thanks, I get what your saying about the commas and periods. Normally I don't bother taking the time if i just made it like Lover, but I was thinking of going back to Mirrior for that.  

[Otulissa]

Also, "Acking" should be "Aching"  

[gamin247]

Feel free to post your own poems and comment on each others.  

[Otulissa]

Okay! Has anybody read any old, classic poems they like?