Fanfic thread

[Divine Machinations]

I do declare this open. I said I'd post one of my own here (it's based in the world of Diablo) but first I should probably upload it onto fanfic.net...I will post it though as I am a bit of a criticism craver.  

[Kain Balance Guardian]

Feedback is the only way to get better right? Anyway I has drabble, (drabble are short stories usually under 100 words) these are my first attempt at working with the LoK universe. For the drabble the inspiration was the Firefly theme.

Anyway as I said first attempt, all are PG-13 or under (none deserve the pg-13 tag I'm just paranoid). I know there are spelling errors, but they were short and fast (and not beta read). Still feedback maybe? The set together are under 7 pages long...

As of this moment all 14 can be found here: Legacy of Kain drabble

My favorites of the set:
You Can't Take the Sky from me Tell ‘em I ain’t coming back  

[Divine Machinations]

Divine Machinations

Kain Balance Guardian

Feedback is the only way to get better right? Anyway I has drabble, (drabble are short stories usually under 100 words) these are my first attempt at working with the LoK universe. For the drabble the inspiration was the Firefly theme.

Anyway as I said first attempt, all are PG-13 or under (none deserve the pg-13 tag I'm just paranoid). I know there are spelling errors, but they were short and fast (and not beta read). Still feedback maybe? The set together are under 7 pages long...

As of this moment all 14 can be found here: Legacy of Kain drabble

My favorites of the set:
You Can't Take the Sky from me Tell ‘em I ain’t coming back

To keep things simple I'll just tell my thoughts on the first recommended (You Can't Take the Sky from me).

I'll preface my comments by saying I have no idea what Firefly is.

It seemed, overall, solid-you communicated the feeling you were looking for and the sense of freedom was clear. All criticisms I make are stylistic and thus should be taken or disregarded as such. Firstly your syntax could have been used better to communicated the exhileration, the ectasy-same with your lexical choice. It could look with a lot more punch, especially with such a small piece of writing; maybe looking at putting some imagery in their would make both the feeling and scene more vivid.

 

[Kain Balance Guardian]

Divine Machinations

To keep things simple I'll just tell my thoughts on the first recommended (You Can't Take the Sky from me).

I'll preface my comments by saying I have no idea what Firefly is.

It seemed, overall, solid-you communicated the feeling you were looking for and the sense of freedom was clear. All criticisms I make are stylistic and thus should be taken or disregarded as such. Firstly your syntax could have been used better to communicated the exhileration, the ectasy-same with your lexical choice. It could look with a lot more punch, especially with such a small piece of writing; maybe looking at putting some imagery in their would make both the feeling and scene more vivid.

Normally I use more imagery in what I write, but I've had horrible writers block the past few months.

Small snippet of an original

Night was one thing she never could get over. Night and how black it was. Well it wasn’t just the night was it? No it was what lived in the night, and what came out of it. Vampires, monsters, they were all fictional, no what she feared about the night was real.

Everyone knew it. There’s a fear that was intergradient into all humans to fear the night. Why? It wasn’t those stories told to scare children. No the fear out there was much realer then child’s stories. Why was it most adults still closed their shades to ward off the darkness when the sun set? Why was it most people hated to be out at night? Adults reasoned it was simply because it was not safe, bad people could hid in the shadows. Children’s imaginations played tricks on them and they thought they saw things and were scared of it for that reason. But what if, just what if what children saw was the truth, and the adults simply refused to believe what they knew to be the truth. There are of course a great number of cases where children see something adults cannot see. As children grow into adult hood they are repeatedly told that what they see is not true, as a result of this they forget and deny the truth.

 

[Divine Machinations]

That original piece does seem to be building up, but outside its context I am unsure how much that I can add. can no longer be bothered uploading my fanfic anywer in particular so:

***

The night, a peerless black illuminate by thin silvery shafts of moonlight, echoed with the sound of steps drawing closer. It was accompanied by the rhythmical rapping of rain which flowed freely, a deluge from the eternity above, into his hair-the thick mat on his head was becoming heavy-and onto his clothes. It mixed in with the blood in his wound, that dribbled out thick crimson. It was not long before the jacket he wore was both sodden and stained.

The arch, white beneath the slivers of light, was visible through the cascading downpour. It was a half ruined construct, the ages had not been kind to its once noble stature at the fore of a wide open courtyard that reflected the ghostly white light that lit it up. The twisted towers of palace speared into the night behind him. One man was a black blot on the expansive ground. As he staggered forwards its being wobbled and blurred: threatening to disappear at the moment he gave in and hit the hard grey cobbles at his feet. He could see puddles in crevasses between the cobbles he shuffled over, now stained by drops of his blood. The red would the rippling surface and spread like a disease, contaminating the water.

Against his ribs he pressed a small ring. In its sapphire ethereality lay the fate of the world.

The cold nipped his throat as he took those shuddering breathes that sent an evanescent ghost rising in front of his eyes. The moment it hung there seemed like an eternity-the man thought he glimpsed a shape in it. A twisted, sporadic, shape-that was unquestioned-but a shape nonetheless. Then it was gone, as was its whimsical nature. His legs gave way.

So this is death? He thought. Oddly the pain no longer mattered, there was a force that he had served-one that was more than life itself. Justice. And he, in his struggles and pain, had done it a bigger duty than most whom had come before him. What made his mind leaden was that he could proceed no further with his duty; to have stolen the Herdric Ring and escaped from the Valley of Stillness only to meet death at the cusp of, the final goal: freedom. It struck him that he had gained a different type of freedom and-he knew-it would be accompanied by its own rewards. In this much lay the undeniable victory. It did not matter that they had found him.

“Dram?”

“You will never lay fingers on it,” he hissed suddenly panicked. His free hand slipped to his belt, an ancient papyrus scroll was dry against his fingers. It was perfect: the newcomer would never possess the ring. Even then he stood, arrogantly, over Dram; making no move to wrest the ring from his clutches.

Magic, for a moment, crackled in the air; a thin, brilliant blue, portal lit up the area. Dram tossed the ring and disengaged the spell. It died as a shout of “no” permeated the air. Again they were alone-but this time the threat was but tangible.

“It is a unique ring, do you think that we cannot find it?” The reply was even.

“You are fools then. Do you believe the effects are as mundane as to be solely imprisoned within a single piece jewellery? Whoever wears the ring will gain its powers and it shall become nothing but the most opaque stone in the land. This world is not yours, go back to the hell hole that sent you!”

The figure, a mere silhouette, said nothing.

“You now falter at taking my life?”

“I have no need, you are dying either way. Enjoy your eternity in hell.” The figure left.

Dram, ironically, died believing he had finally brought peace-repeating it to himself as he lay, life slowly seeping out of him. Cold and pain wracking his body into occasional spasms. He turned and let the rain run down his face. He knew that his martyrdom, like the rain, cleansed him-of weakness and sin.

The guards found his cadaver gazing emptily at the sun, waxen and contorted, in the morning.  

[Tamenae]

I've written a few LOK fanfics, but I think I'll just link a few of them for now.

A one shot serious songfic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2315404/1/Please

Thus far, 2 chapters of amusing randomness:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2535540/1/Soul_Stripper  

[Divine Machinations]

Tamenae

I've written a few LOK fanfics, but I think I'll just link a few of them for now.

A one shot serious songfic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2315404/1/Please

Thus far, 2 chapters of amusing randomness:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2535540/1/Soul_Stripper

This thread is alive again, good stuff.

I read through the songfic and liked the way it was fragmented. The pain could be slightly more emphatic as the extremity of the woman's condition justifies it. It seems lost in a kinda of reminiscence and this evokes a good atmosphere. The context could be described a bit more, like the feeling of the hard floor and chains. Try to get your reader tasting and smelling and feeling the story: not just reading it. The way you started it was pure gold.

Anybody got any thoughts on the segment I posted?  

[Tamenae]

Personally, I thought your fragment was lovely. Very detailed; I could see what was happening as I read. I did get a bit lost on it, but that may be in part because I've not been sleeping well and my head is always a bit fuzzy anymore.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It did seem to flow a lot better than most of my projects do, but it was short enough that my usual blocks didn't become a problem. As for the lack of description, I was just starting to write seriously and still had a lot to learn. I still do, as a matter of fact. I am improving, though. As I read through a lot of my earlier work, I cringe at how many stupid mistakes I make and how much better I could have done.  

[Divine Machinations]

Tamenae

Personally, I thought your fragment was lovely. Very detailed; I could see what was happening as I read. I did get a bit lost on it, but that may be in part because I've not been sleeping well and my head is always a bit fuzzy anymore.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It did seem to flow a lot better than most of my projects do, but it was short enough that my usual blocks didn't become a problem. As for the lack of description, I was just starting to write seriously and still had a lot to learn. I still do, as a matter of fact. I am improving, though. As I read through a lot of my earlier work, I cringe at how many stupid mistakes I make and how much better I could have done.

I think it could use a little more clarity but thanks, if you are interested I could link/paste the whole story.

One thing I will mention is that advice pertaining to style should always be taken with a pinch of salt: other opinions are very useful and should be considered yet they are not fact. And don't worry about bein' a newbie, I'm the same.  

[Tamenae]

I would be very interested in reading the rest. I love to read as much as I love to write, and am always looking for something new to focus my attention on. ^_^  

[Divine Machinations]

I intend to post an updated version on word press son, so once that's done I'll link it here.