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The Writing on the Wall

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Dr Scotch Tape

PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 6:39 am
To most birds are nothing more than a nice conductor of less then brilliant musical sound, a pretty show of colorful feathers or maybe a small meal. Of course varying depending on the type of bird. But for Nelson I. Sprat they are much more. Those little flutters of chirps are a lifeline to his long dead father.

Nelson I. Sprat can communicate with the deceased. But only to a degree, and only with the right means. That means being those adorable balls of feathers, beak, and claws. He brings no harm to the birds, he simply uses them as gates of sorts.

Nelson once owned a bird he used quite often to talk with his father, and as all things do, it eventually died. Being curious Nelson went to a local pet store, used his gift on a perky blue jay and managed to speak to his passed avian friend. Nelson didn't want to know much just what it felt like to be used as a passage from the living to the dead. His dead feathery friend took a long time reply, and when he finally did the most detail he could provide for young Nelson was that he felt a slightly warm tingly sensation in the lower middle section of his left wing. From that point on Nelson decided to assume that although these birds are being used for something amazing, they really knew nothing at all.

Never the less every so often he gets curious once again and ask a dead bird he used at some point what exactly it was like... with mixed results. Every bird always says a different part of the body the tingly sensation touched. And though Nelson wrote down what body part was tingled, what kind of bird felt it, and if he could remember, who he had spoken to with that bird, he payed little to no attention to it otherwise. He would rather concentrate his efforts talking with the dead, not thinking about why he can, or why the birds allow him to.

He lived a rather simple life, taking classes at the university of Michigan majoring in psychology, and working at a local Starbucks after classes everyday with his now good friend Tammy. They often spend the night shifts together, Tammy covers others shifts and allows them to take off early because she is a particularly kind person, Nelson does this because he finds Tammy to be a particularly kind person. Also, littered throughout his day are constant visits to flocks of birds so he can chat with his father.

When Nelson's age was in the single digits he would write down absolutely everything having to do with his communicative gift. Most of these journal entries were about conversations with a girl who was hit by car in front of 9 year old Nelsons house. But one entry that would be worth noting is this one;

Talking to these dead people is very odd, its not like making a phone call, its more like sending a letter into a dark pit to someone, and if they want to talk they will let you. Then that makes it easier to find them the next time.


Young Nelson continued to write like this until he was 12, then he decided... well quite frankly that the information would never come in handy. But one thing he did not give up on, and still hasn't after 13 years is his father. Mr. Sprat was a wonderful man with a wonderful disease, bird flu. Leaving Nelson at the age of seven with an emotionally unstable Mrs. Sprat was truly the only mistake Nelsons father ever committed. Though even in death this great man known as Nelsons father still made it to his little son's 8th birthday. Though he didn't do it alone.

The seven year old boy, Nelson, stood in front of the slab of stone representing the final resting place of his father. It was a good 9 days after the official funeral and Nelson only had seconds until he became eight. Then, on that October 21 a bird happened to land on the stone in front of him, and perhaps by purpose, perhaps by accident, Nelson called his fathers voice out of that bird, casting events forward that eventually lead to the unthinkable acts that happen on a Tuesday afternoon. After classes are out and the Starbucks coffee shop is busy, Nelson will feel the shock of what happened on October 21 thirteen years prior.

***


The short cheerful woman with a starbucks uniform and a name tag reading "Hello My Name Is Carol" waved goodbye to the store she knows as home from 7 am to 9 pm. Calling out a thanks to Tammy for taking a night shift for her yet again. This left Nelson and Tammy alone for another night. This night alone is not particularly unique from the other ones they have spent together, though in a way it was. At 11:12 pm something amazing will happen to Nelson and Tammy, something two people often share though rarely appreciate as much as they should. But before they get to 11:12 pm they must pass 9:37 pm, 9:52 pm, 10:02 pm, 10:38 pm, 10:58 pm, and 11:09 pm.

One should note that only these time frames will be explained, if you would like to read the events of this entire night I would check your local library under the topic of "Really Boring Conversations Between Two People Unless You Happen To Be In Love With One Of Them".

And now, without further disruption we shall begin: 9:37 pm; Nelson quietly made the ninth double shot Americano with a shot a hazelnut twist of this day. Though his hands were accidentally adding a walnut twist other than hazelnut, his mind did not notice, it was much too focused on the fact that this was the last doubt shot americano with a hazelnut twist of the night, before he was left alone with Tammy.

That final customer walked away, sipping his drink and making odd faces that screamed "what kind of twist is this anyway?" Though luckily for Nelson this man would not turn around to complain, for he was what you would call a neat freak and would not give Nelson the chance to notice the stain on his white t-shirt, that was, to him, huge.

As the door closed the slight ding of the bell signified the beginning of the end of the customers. Nelson and Tammy were now officially alone, and because they have been left alone so many times before, they had somewhat of a routine. Nelson left the cash register to take a seat at a circular table, soon joined by Tammy holding two coffees.

"you think you would get sick of coffee after working here for 2 years."

Tammy smiled at Nelsons remark, Nelson smiled at Tammy's smile. As comfort settled in conversation spurred up, beginning with Tammy. She talked all about her times spent at her mothers frame shop, while Nelson listened without sincerity, but genuine interest.

"So the man actually comes back demanding 40 orders of 'simple red' four by fives," Tammy says, proceeding with a laughter shared with Nelson. A laugh only they could share, and enjoyed sharing very much.

As acustomed once Tammy finished her tale, Nelson picked up the verbal baton. His life differed from Tammys, she spent her days free at the frame shop and taking pictures of local landmarks and even interesting people. While Nelson  
PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 11:58 am
There are two very striking areas that need work: Chronology and punctuation.

Firstly, chronology: you are all over the place with this! Instead of events following a sensible order, the reader is thrust about here and there, into and out of things faster than... well I'm not sure I'm allowed to use that analogy on here razz But either way, it's rather disconcerting! It would be much better if you kept things moving in a single direction, and as it'd be hard to make everything go backwards all the time, I suggest forwards in time. It doesn't matter if you go back to a seperate event, as long as it isn't every other paragraph and is also not without any real explanation.

A simple rearranging of your paragraphs could improve this tenfold.

(Oh, also, try not to skip between tenses in the middle of paragraphs either!)


Next, punctuation: there are many more devices than just commas and full-stops; why not try an exclamation mark, to add emphasis! Or a question mark, perhaps? Also, there are the two colons, each giving different length pauses and differing vastly in their possible uses, maybe look them up sometime?

The other problem with your punctuation is your use of the comma and full stop: in places where one is much more approriate than the other, you have failed to notice, and switched them round. A full stop is there to end a sentence, whereas a comma simply breaks it up; putting a full stop in place of a comma in effect severs the two halves of the sentence, making them read as if they are rather unrelated, where in actual fact they are meant to be together, effectively ruining two sentences, where you could have had one very good one.


All this aside, your story shows a good imagination and an ability to develop upon your own ideas, this is very good, and very useful! Your characters, though a little flat, show more depth than a lot bother with, and you seem not to hesitate with adding humanisig touches to people who others would brush aside in a second (e.g. the "neat freak", that was a nice touch ^_^). I hope you take my thoughts into consideration, and am truelly looking forward to seeing you either renovating this, or writing something new.  

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x - - no utopia

PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:59 am
I'm often in the mood for criticizing people's work, but to tell you the truth, after the two first paragraphs of the story, I just stopped reading. You have hook or interesting intro, but after that, it gets boring and you reader falls asleep. You have to stop jump all over the place since an author must have some story line to follow. Honestly, this story has very little action and emotion. Its as if the writer wants it to make a reader fall asleep. True, some stories are like that, but even Romeo and Juliet has at least the tiniest bit of action to awaken a reader.
Needs more work. Try writing in a writer's mind then reading it in a reader's mind.  
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The Writing on the Wall

 
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