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 Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 10:40 pm
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Buenos dias Minna-sama, Spunky here, here to give an amazing story that will grab you, entertain you, and make you scream for more!
...Well, maybe not that extreme just yet. Actually, I'm currently writing a special fanfiction. Special, because it means a lot to me and has already taken up much of my time. However, before I post, I need your help. Every lyricist, writer, reader, rp-er, I need your input, give me true, legitimate criticism. Whether or not you recognize this world (which you should, it's not exactly obscure) is not my concern, but if you can at least imagine it and understand it.
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Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:56 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:08 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 6:28 am
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Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 8:16 am
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:52 am
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Okay, here's the rough draft of chapter one. Here we go:
The expanse of lightened blue blanketed the atmosphere, creating a limited ceiling from the infinite black space above. The darker shade of sky curved directly above the endless sea of green landscape below while the lighter blue flowed to meet the border of land to the heavens. A great forest was nestled within a wobbly, oval, open ended ring of a cliff wall just shy of a hundred feet high. The high trees greeted next from seventy to forty feet above ground. Many had more rounded tops and were of lighter jade with a wider trunk, while others grew to a cone point with a darker hue of blue-green leaves and a more slender dark trunk. Effervescent sunlight exhilarated the vast land teeming with busy singing life, or the quiet, invisible, envious spirit dwellers watching. The light poured through the branches in golden-white beams upon the rich sod and creatures below. The ground was rolling and uneven, and through the generations travelers stomped through the wood, wearing down the plant life to expose the red earth in a dirt pathway. It connected the well-known trading town of Ordon, with a not so well known town of Ashi that specialized in raising fine warrior and royal horses. The occasional group of tall stems of the berry-pink snapping dragons, or the soft white petals of a morning glory bedizened the pathway with bursts of color against the green, and colored rock of the cliff on either side of the road. The jagged rock varied in shades of gray and white all across the expanse, and tufts of dark green plants growing in the cracks and crevices dotted the wall. Two strips of rust branded in the mineral hugged over the exposed stone- one near the top, the other at a more viewable height on the bottom.
A young masculine white hand caressed the red-brown ribbon at his shoulder hieght, tracing over each bump, dip and vertical edge in the dusty thrum as he traveled down the pathway. The boy was five foot eight: very long and a bit slender. He had a small amount of lean muscle on his white arms and legs, which gave an impression of fair strength. Working out in the fields tended to do that. He wore a simple sleeveless white cotton top, and a pair of black fleece pants rolled halfway up his strong shin. His free hand hung down by the stiff wool and cotton blended fashion belt. It was powder blue and held a short brown waistcloth from his hips. The thick brown leather boots crunched softly against the red dirt and gravel. He faced away from his traveling companion, showing only the back of his golden blonde hair. He was unusually quiet, rising very minute concerns from her.
She was a tiny thing- a few inches shorter than five feet. She was incredibly skinny with almost no body fat and bony limbs. Though her hips were wide and her bosom well developed, almost in a way that did not fit with her skinny body type. A ruffled white summer dressed draped over her awkward body to her knees, contrasting sharply with her skin. It colored considerably from the sun into a rough yellow-bronze. Completely flat but glossy orange hair grew from her narrow head and covered her slender neck and shoulders. The ends were ragged around her back, over her narrow forehead and out above her small round ears. Her sharp yellow-green eyes flickered from his nearly immovable shape to the boring sight of her side of the path.
The eyes glanced uninterested over the grass of varied shades of fresh green, dark jade, red earth and wilting yellow. Ferns and bush grew at the base of trees and along the rocky wall. The occasional gray stone rested across the ground. Her abnormally long pointed nose did not pick up anything other than the usual scent of fresh chlorophyll, earth and not so pleasant odors o the wood’s ‘cycle of life.’ Her tiny round ears only heard the chirping birds flying, the tittering critters scuttling, and could pretend to hear the predators painstakingly prowling. Of course she knew of the insects doing all three, even if she could not see or hear.
Some old, boring same old. The forest disappeared to be replaced by the second rock wall that curved to meet the first in a parallel corridor ten feet wide. Her orange eyebrows were naturally arched and thickened at the end, almost making it look as though she were constantly angry. Though the ends of her brow and the almond lids of her eyes lowered slightly, conveying true annoyance. Really, if he managed to avert her attention to this, then something was seriously wrong. She decided to confront him on it, and turned to face him.
“THAT WAS SO SWEET!!” He leaped up in the air.
She flinched and her heart pounded from shock at the sudden outburst. The girl sighed as her heart slowed to normal speed. She shot him a dry leer as he added gestures to his comments. Yep, looked like he was okay.
He had a wide heart shaped face with a broad jaw and forehead narrowed by the forward blond hairline. The golden yellow hair stood up in a completely unnatural array of inch-long spikes. He had a small pointed nose and very thin brows over his cerulean blue eyes. His mouth was wide in a toothy grin.
“That was so sweet with the whoosh-” he shot his hand up- “and the ‘Kya-’” he flinched into a pose of startled shock with hands crossed and knees together, “-and the shoo-o-o-o-om…” he slowly drew his hand across in front of his body. He threw his hands up. “That was totally awesome!”
The girl rolled her eyes with an annoyed grunt and moved to walk back.
“Aw come on Berry!” the boy begged her approval as he loped up beside her. “It was totally awesome!” he stared at her, as she did not respond. His wide blue eyes turned sympathetic. “Are you mad cuz ya didn’t get any power either?”
“No dummy.” She grumbled. She stopped and turned to him so she could give him the full message. “Ya go an’ decide to disturb me from my day‘s schedule just to go on a keese hunt out in the woods,” she jerked her thumb to where they had come from “-end up getting chased around by more ogres than you-” she jabbed a finger at him, “-could handle, all this just to see some insane, indecent fairy babble about the past and great hero and golden age and whatnot, beg her until she agrees to hand over a branch of magic that doesn‘t do a blasted thing, go into a complete depression for nearly the whole way back, only decide to shout- with complete nonsense- to give me a heart attack, and the best ya kin come up with is ‘that was totally awesome.’”
The boy had adapted a casual stance with his arms folded across his chest as he listened to her complaints. When she was done, he nodded.
“Yep, you‘re mad about the power.”
‘Berry’ stared. She dropped her hands and started walking again.
“Aw come on, I was kidding!” He stepped forward and grabbed a hold of her shoulders. The sudden movement caused her to halt her forward progress and fall back. He caught her under her arms and hugged her diaphragm. “Lighten up, Berry. Come on, you shoulda-”
“Strider, what did I say ‘bout touchin’ me?” she growled up at him.
“Well, I keep tellin’ you to quit bein’ a stubborn a**, but ya don’t.” he countered calmly. “Why not try havin’ fun once in a while?”
"Look!" she pointed suddenly into the trees, "A Mockingbird!"
The boy let go and shrieked bloody murder just before leaping behind a nearby boulder. His terrified countenance dissolved into an annoyed leer when he heard a bout of snorting laughter. He stood up and moved back onto the path to see the girl supporting herself on her knee and clutching her stomach from laughter.
"That was not funny." he said flatly.
"I've never seen you move so fast!" the girl gasped. She tried to catch her breath even as she fell into snickers. "Man, I'm gonna remember that forever."
He crossed his arms and adopted a stern reprimanding tone. He knew she meant that she would never let him forget it, just for her own amusement. Well, two could play at that game. "Adorable Strawberry Shortcake, I demand that you stop laughing."
Strawberry did. Except the mirth was replaced by a steely leer. "Don't call me that."
"Why not, Appleflower?" he asked innocently.
"Ugh!" she covered her ears with her palms. "I'm not listening to this."
He dropped his arms and took a step away from the cliff "Berry pie," she turned away and he took another step, "Little bear!" he taunted as she grit her teeth. He took a deep breath and moved his hands about his mouth for the big one: "Carrot Hair!"
She tackled his waist with a growling cry.
"Oh Mers-"
He fell hard onto the dirt path and tried to shove off the insane girl as she aimed her hands for his throat. He grabbed a hold of her left hand with his right, and she laced her fingers through to shove it away. She aimed the other hand for his throat and with wide eyes as he grabbed her wrist and pulled it up above his head, out of reach of his neck. He looked up at her with wide eyes from the floor. The girl gave a triumphant smirk as she stayed on her knees.
"Where's the great hero now, huh?" she taunted down at him. "Gettin' his sorry arse kicked by a little girl."
"Hmph, I'm jus' going easy!" he boasted.
She raised a brow.
"I'll still be the one to save yer sorry arse when you get kid- AHW!" His bright blue eyes and jaw shot wide open as the girl's bony knee dug deep into his lower belly through the belt and tying cord, dangerously close to his groin.
An vein pulsed on her forehead as an angry grin formed under her nose. She leaned forward and looked up at him from under her long dark lashes. "What was that you were gunna say?"
His body and legs pulled up as her knee grew heavier with her leaning weight. He grit his teeth trying o manage the fear and pain though only one eye could stay open to look to the dangerous girl He started to sweat nervously. "Eh heheh, nothing..."
"Thought so."
Strawberry took off her knee and pulled out her hands. Strider flopped back and panted with imaginary exhaustion, but completely real relief.
"Quit bein' so dramatic." she scoffed.
He looked up at her, raised the back of his fist and forearm to her, and clamped his other hand down on his bicep. Strawberry rolled her eyes. Both the girl and boy paused their movement.
“You hear that?” Strider whispered. There was an odd rumble, a hum akin to distant thunder that reached his pointy ears.
The girl shook her head. Her smaller round ears picked up nothing, but she could sense the balance of this wood being tipped into an undesirable direction, and could feel the vibrations through her bare feet. “I kin feel it.”
The tall boy moved back from the girl and swung himself up with help from his hand. He stepped forward and cupped his hands behind his long pointed ears. Behind him the girl dropped to the ground. She pressed her ear to the dirt to feel the sound as opposed to actually hearing it. They both closed their eyes to focus. There was… pounding in quick succession. It was a great number of heavy beasts moving, that much was certain, but it was hard to tell what kind.
“Are they horses?” Strawberry asked the expert.
“No…” he frowned as he opened his eyes and moved to the rock beside them. “Their running doesn’t sound right. The steps’re too small and too heavy.”
He climbed up onto the high rock, with some difficulty, but managed to get into the grooves enough to lever himself up. He crawled on and stood at the top and squinted against the sunlight into the distance. Yes he could see it… a wide procession stampeding their way over. He could barely make out several long poles with banners. Though he still could not see the riders, he tried to focus on the beasts themselves. It was hard to tell, but from here they almost looked like…
“Sweet Dome Mercy…” he swore in shock.
He jumped down in a panic. His eyes were wide with excitement, and anticipation. He grabbed a hold of Strawberry’s skinny arm and pulled her up.
“C’mon Berry!” he urged. “We gotta get outta the way!”
Berry followed, just barely. Her tiny form stumbled to keep up with his long strides, and mentally swore as she finally heard the oncoming stampede. There was no way they could outrun them. Strider realized this same thing. The main problem was that they were currently in a long, but very narrow passage in the divided ring of the rocky walls. They had to get to a place that was wide enough for them to at least get out of the way. It became a race as the stampede grew louder and louder with the closing distance. The nervous fear increased in the both of them as each second they though for sure they would be trampled. The answers to their current prayers were answered as the passage gave way into a large round clearing. In a split second, four things happened at once.
Strider turned his body to face the side and jumped for safety. Strawberry‘s body had no choice but to comply as her arm was nearly ripped out of the socket. Her face turned only to see a glistening, hairy brown snout under beady yellow eyes not five feet away from her. The boy and girl landed the second the torrent broke from the edge of the wall two meters away from their landing spot on the ground.
The pair held onto each other for dear life, not daring to look up, and praying that they would make it out of this alive.
It was a terrifying experience, completely unlike anything they had ever felt. The thunder pounded against them, echoing from the rock beside them and the ground beneath them. Their ears roared with the dozens of battering hooves and the savage piercing cries of the strange beasts. They could feel the rocks and dust kicked up from the tidal march, and each substantial hit made them flinch. Each sound amalgamated into the next, turning everything into a ludicrous stentorian drone. Each second they feared one of the over-sized swines would veer from its already proximate path and squash them straight into the ground. As the morbid parade came to an end, one of the riding creatures brought up the rear with a great flying banner with a foreign insignia. That was the last of them before they all fell into the distance. The boy looking on realized with a terrifying start where they were headed. Strider placed both his hands onto the ground and leaped up.
“They’re heading for the village!” the boy exclaimed in a scared rush as he swung around the boulder. “We have to-”
He had to halt rather suddenly when a pair of small hands grabbed a hold of his shirt. He looked to the girl.
“What?” his voice was laced with anger at being stopped, and his brow puckered in annoyance. “Come on, we have to-” he stopped in disbelief as she shook her head. “Yer kiddin’ right? We can’t just leave the others t’ fend fer themselves!”
“Yes we can!” the girl snapped back, causing the other complete shock at the outright selfish behavior. “What do you think yer gonna do there, huh?” she demanded as she clutched on tighter. Her fear caused her voice to rise in pitch. “Those guys’re monsters!”
“I’m the best swordsman in the village!” he shot back as he smacked her hand away. “I’m not about t’ go an’ leave the others to die, not when I can do somethin’ about it!”
He turned away and sprinted down to the sounds of the progressing stampede faintly coming from the distance.
“Yer twelve!” she screeched back at him, but he did not answer. Her fists and her jaw clenched in anger. “FINE!! See if I care when you get your sorry arse kicked!”
She turned to the rock right by her and pounded it angrily with the sides of her fists, trying to let out some of the anger and frustration. And trying not to cry. The wave of immense fear and the sense of foreboding suffocated her. They were not supposed to be here, things were going wrong; something terrible was going to happen. All these things she knew, but could not seem to do anything about. It was then she realized the boy that just went off running could have more than his sorry arse kicked.
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:50 pm
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:09 pm
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Erm, thanks for the input, but I honestly have no idea what you mean
sweatdrop I mean yes, I get the double space thing, but I don't see how
[space]
[space]
Would help any.
Oh, and just to let people know, I'm not really concerned with English and grammar just yet, cuz there are still things I'll be adding or changing, but I'm experimenting with tone. Does formal seem over done, should I stick with the more humanistic approach when describing characters, etc.
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:50 pm
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:12 pm
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:35 pm
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Alrightyy, I really enjoyed that, even though it was an evil cliffe c:
So I do have some spelling errors to correct, just because I did the whole notes thing as I read along, before I read other peoples comments, so yeah.
Um, I really tend to pick things apart, so yeah sorry, here we goooooo:
Alright, In the first paragraph, for sentence fluency [in my opinion] When you say '"just shy of a hundred feet high. The high trees greeted"'
I would change that to large trees, or tall trees, just to avoid overuse of adjectives. On the other hand, I lovelovelove the descriptive-ness of the paragraph [and the whole story!], I can clearly imagine it.
In paragraph two, did you mean fleece pants rolled halfway up his strong shin . ?
In paragraph three is he nearly immovable, or walking? Kinda contradicting?
Paragraph four, is it 'pleasant odors [of] or o' the wood's ' ?
Speaking of that, I really like the fact you wrote in accents, it makes it easier to picture the characters.
Um, also, when Strider climbed up on the rock, it says he pulls Berry up with him, and then they are running, so is it just one big rock, or is it a shelf they are on? Just a little confused.
Also, while I completely and one-hundred percent admire your amazing vocabulary, "Each sound amalgamated into the next, turning everything into a ludicrous stentorian drone" is a but much for me, I mean, I get what it says, but maybe you could dumb it down for me just a teeny bit. :]
And that's it for my grammar/spelling thing! Overall it's an amazing story/writing style, I would fer sure like to see more. I like the whole tone of it, serious, then funny, then serious again. You transition smoothly, and make it easy on the mind. So cheers! [and get to writin' more! :]
oh, p.s. Are you gonna go back and explain the whole ogre/fairy thing? 'Cause it would helpp & sounds interesting !
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:26 pm
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And while I know I said I didn't wanna worry aboutwriting and grammar... now hat I know of them, I can't let them be! *rushes to fix them on separate file* Lol, I mention it now because I often go bak and add and change, sometimes i forget which words I spell right or wrong, or used already.
Hm... the immovable part I can understand, it actully has to do with his personality. Usually he's really really energetic.. which you saw ten econds later. I'll try to find a clearer phrase for that.
Ha! I knew I would get this at least on one part of the chapter, so I'll clarify now: Strider jumped down from the rock first, then pulled Berry up from the ground. That's what it means. I'l get it later.
lol, I love the way you put it. Just be grateful I don't write all my sentences like that. wink Actually, That's one of my favorite sentences, so I'm gonna keep it anyway. I'll keep it in mind for later chapters though!
And I can't! already my writing has sapped my strength and taken my mind! My muse won't shut the heck up! and my pretty drawings. hehe. I have a lot writin so far, now its just a matter of patching it u together.
Arigatou Irishroseh! *bows* (I know this post has bad writings, but I just got through a particularly long chapter, and I'm tired and don't feel like double checking . *yawn* night everyone.
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:42 am
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:58 am
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Okay, I won't get technical with spelling and grammar corrections, or word choice criticism. I say that everything I caught, Irishroseh has already explained.
So, first off - compliments:
Wow! You have great writing talents! The first few paragraphs were so descriptive, the imagery was intense in my mind. I could picture everything: the scenery, Strider, and Berry. Also, I like how Strider and Berry contrast a bit, but are not complete opposites. This story seems really interesting! It seems like something I would actually pick up and read of my own choice, in my own time. I like your unique voice in the writing, and also the ending of Chapter one. It leaves you slightly hanging, but not in the really aggravating way. It holds just enough suspense to keep the reader wanted to read what's next. Please, don't change the ending to Chapter 1. ^_^ I love it! In my opinion, and this may just be me, I think that you can expand a bit on the stampede. Perhaps you could describe it a bit more? I cannot picture it that clearly in my head.
I can't wait until the next chapter!
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:51 pm
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