you only live for eternity so live life .~fan fic story~

[chiomara]

hey , this is my first fan fic so plz comment me on my writting , and tell me if theres something that needs fixing or giving ideas .
the story twists the plot line ... its not going to follow the story VK exactly but ill try to keep it close to the plot.
p.s IT MIGHT SPOIL THE STORY so make sure your up to date with the manga/anime im going by manga .. so ill be ahead of the anime plz dont get mad .
thanks for reading ~

~story~
(this school it's so beautiful,why is Mitsuharu-sama here, and why did he bring me?)
you step out of the car and stare at the building .

'standing there gawking like an idiot isnt what i want you to do,you know your place, faith.'
you nodd and follow quickly so he doesnt drag you by the leash thats tied around your neck connecting with his hand . you havent spoken or used your voice for 10 yrs now ... and you dont plan on talking any sooner... especially not to your brother mitsuharu.

as your brother opens the gates you see that in front of him theres two ppl a girl & boy ... the girl has red eyes and brown hair ... the boy has silver with grey eyes ... "UMM YOU OVER THERE! WHATS YOUR BUSINESS HERE?" said the girl. Your brother doesnt even look at her you follow closely behind .. the boy is carrying a gun . "i said what are you doing here?" says the girl as your brother walks past she touches his sleeve (oh no ..) with that your brother smacks her face harshly "my business is not of importance to you ." the boy takes his gun out points it at your brother's face. "yes it does . now i would you like to tell us or else we'll have to make you leave .. disgusting bloodsucker." with that you move too fast for human eyes to follow and now the boys gun is pointed to the girl with your leg your holding him close to your body . Your other hand has a knife its at his neck , your ready to slash it . The boy is startled and shocked that he doesnt struggle. "Your just as digusting as i am , i advise you too just let us by and you wont lose your lives . " this time the boy struggled but your too strong ...(strange how i have the power of a pure blood . okay i dont want to kill this boy & girl they have done nothing but trying to protect this school.. how am i going to get out of this situation... ill just loosen my grip and hopefully he'll get that its an opportunity to save his life and of that girl. ) you let your grip lose but not so much , that your brother would notice .. then you nudged him with your nose on the side of his jaw ... he looks at you , then like the words were written in your eyes he elbowed you in the stomach you crouched trying to show your brother that it hurt .. to make it look like you tried to kill ... you shot at the girl but you made sure the bullet skimmed her and hit the tree instead. the girl is pale with fright .. but the boy seems too greatful and your brother will tell soon that you let yourself get hurt. (we need to go before he senses the lie i just did . ) you look at your brother and he stares at you with confusion and angry .. he raises his hand.. you flinch waiting for the smack .. it never comes.. you open your eyes and see that he is starring off into the building . (whats he looking at ?) you turn and see Kaname .. your old friend (kaname.. why are you here..) your brother seems to have forgotten all about the fight happening & punishing you for your stupidity . Draged by the leash (i feel like his slave everytime this happens.. one day i'll be free.. hopefully)inside the building it seems like alot of vampires go to this school.. (but that girl , wasnt she human?) "Haru why do you treat faith like your dog ?" asked kaname killing your thoughts . "Shes just a dog , low life half breed... she stained our families pride." he doesnt look at you ... (im not worthless.. mitsuharu-sama...) "i see you havent changed Haru. So why have you come?" "i need to speak with you in private " he stares at the followers behind kaname .. they gawk at you ... the outfit your wearing is a lolita maid dress.. mitsuharu tells strangers that he bought you , and your his slave. With the blonde hair and nice body you know you look great to taste for ...blood... "very well then , follow me ." with that kaname leads you both to his room .. its huge . (wow his bathroom is the size of my room.) you tippy toe to see past your brother whos infront of you to see the living room "hahaha" laughs kaname seeing you on your toes . Your brother turns but your on your feet again ... hes going to raise his hand when kaname interupts just in time "sit , theres no need to be formal with me Haru-kun." "dont call me that ." kaname grins . as your brother sits on the couch.. you dont know what to do ..(where do i sit .. on the couch with mitsuharu-sama? ... no on the floor maybe ...or i could sit in that chair)-- "sit down on the couch you idiot." says mitsuharu .. with that you sit beside him.. (this is strange..) "now we can talk all you want." "i need someone to take faith in . " "..why." "im going to marry your cousin ." "i see.. but who do you wish to take faith in ?" "i dont care , they can do whatever they please with her, she is just a walking corpse no use to our family ." (i wish i was to your standard brother.. forgive me.)  

[IkoSibella]

in places the tenses get a bit confused, many slip ups with words being used properly like for example 'confusion and angry' i think meant to say 'confusion and anger'. i think once you eek out the mistakes and correct some of grammar it can be better than it allready is. plus he has lilac eyes smile

but i think you have done really well

x  

[Kingkong541]

Im curious as to how the plot goes, but the way its written kind of bugs me. It's somewhat the grammar's fault as well.

The person you use, like continuously swiching from like second to first to third and second again. You should try sticking to one type. In most cases you wouldn't use second person. ( You do this and that.) Some authors prefer first ("I" "we") or others prefer third ("he" "she")

Also, try separating the paragraphs, so its easier on the eyes to read. For example, for each time a different person is speaking, you can start a new paragraph.

You could also try completing most sentences instead of fragments, unless it's for emphasis. Also, when you complete the sentence, just use one period instead of several.

Finally, to help improve your writing, you could go into more detail as to how the main character is feeling instead of just a line or two of the character's thoughts.

I hope you find the advice helpful, and continue writing! I'm looking forward to what is going to happen next in your story. Keep on writing! biggrin  

[Sakura Shizunei]

It's....well....um....interesting.