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Just found this really old eMail from my cousin while cleaning out my old saved mail. LMAO so hard after reading it again, I had to share. I'll take it down if people get offended.
Have you ever found really good stuff in your saved folders?
Subject: I guess being a woman isn't so easy
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 2005 21:39:07 -0500
Hair removal 101...God love the woman who shared this...
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my
mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the
medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.
It
was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel
them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl; I
am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair
dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase
haunts me!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter
of
all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax
strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties
and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the
wax
strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my
v-g-na and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek Yes, it was a
long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the
strip. crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP.
Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back
to
normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy
pelt,
that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I
ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The
hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. crap I
run
my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered
in
cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put
my foot down.
noo!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. V-g-n- Sealed shut.
Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to
poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run
the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax
covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off
right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck
to
the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should
have
a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's
waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of
the
tub!" There is a slight pause.
She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from
me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we
talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can
hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on
the
side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone
else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping
the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water
and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My
friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The
scream probably woke the kids, scared the
dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair..................................
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So
I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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