[PRV] I should say thanks but I won't [Peke x Hifahdi]FIN

[Nuxaz]

A heavy sigh slipped from the cubs maw as he lay beneath the shade of a tree. His head was settled upon his paws as his blue eyes stared mindless out at the space before him. His tail curled around as much of his paws it could over. There was nothing. Nothing he was looking for, nothing he was looking at. Simply nothing and it aggravated him. Infuriated him.

He hated the feeling of emptiness that plagued him, that threatened to consume him. Even in the rare moments that it vanished it was tugging away at him from the inside. Things weren't the same, they never would be. Even when he openly stated that, even when he let all of his feelings pour out into the open it hadn't changed. He still felt empty.

He wondered if it would ever go away or if it would plague him for the rest of his life. A shudder ran down his spine at the thought before he pushed himself up into a sitting position. Shaking his head he let a yawn roll off his tongue.

He was tired but he refused to sleep. He was always worried that he would either dream of his sister or events destined to come in the future. While some would have relished the power of knowing the future, no matter how blurry, he hated it. He feared it. It made him uncomfortable knowing that he could see what others could not.

Power was not something he was fond of.  

[demonstration_evil]

Hifadhi wandered, alone for once, which was odd. But lonliness was a feeling that was growing on the old lion, more than he had ever felt it in his entire life. He missed his old friends, and so many of them were gone now. He was only an old man, useless to the rest of the pride, and barely able to help Ngao now. Useless. He had always wanted to die before this happened to him. He had hoped he would. No respectable Captain of the guard should have lived to be his age.

And yet... before, it hadn't seemed so bad. Before everything that had happened, all the lions who had died... Ukweli's death had hit him harder than he ever wanted to admit. Especially not to the others. It was a weakness he could not a stand. A weakness he would have only ever admitted to his old friend. Things weren't the same, they never would be, and he had thought that perhaps he would have been used to all the change by now. But stubborness for him had always resounded as his resistance to change in general.

He was suprised when he spotted Peke, alone under the tree. He thought the boy asleep at first, but no... it didn't look that way. The boy he had thought he would die saving... almost wished he had.

"Peke?" He asked, blinking with concern as he saw the cub, "Are you alright?"  

[Nuxaz]

The sound of the elder's voice snapped Peke completely out of his thoughts as he instinctively moved to stand. It was odd, to him, how he often reacted when any of the adult spoke to him. He would always move to stand to show them respect. Something he hated to do. Something he wouldn't have done in the past. But now...now things were different.

He had expectations that he needed to live up to. Duties to fulfill which could only be done by listening to what he was told to do. It wouldn't help them to lie, he could see through it. Always.

His blue eyes stared at blankly before him before moving to locate who it was that had called him. "Hifadhi." He stated dipping his head down in a greeting. "I'm fine." He replied sounding bored and uninterested, which he was. He was also thankful that while he could see through lies that others couldn't and that no one would know he was lying unless he wanted him to know.

"I just have a lot on my mind."

He stated with a shrug. It was true he had dealt with a lot in the recent past and was just now figuring out how to deal with it. Then a yawn slipped from his maw. He was so tired...  

[demonstration_evil]

Hifadhi saw him stand, and knew instantly that it was odd. This was not the Peke he knew from before... no, the Peke he knew had been difiant enough to run off when he told him quite blatently not too... so it felt distinctly odd to the old lion for the cub to suddenly act in this manner. He wasn't sure he liked it, even though he had always encouraged obediance... it merely bewildered him.

The elder tilted his head as he saw Peke yawn and nod. Bored, uninterested... yet not defiant, as he remembered. Not at all, "You seem tired. I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" Though he wondered how the boy could sleep at all after losing his sister. Not well, he'd imagine.

He stepped forward, stubborn and old as always, he was hardly afraid of what a cub thought of his intrusion. Sometimes one needed a... gentle push into revealing what was really on their mind, "If you like, perhaps you can talk to me about what you have on your mind? I may be old, but my hearing is as good as ever."

Though who knew how long that would last at his age.  

[Nuxaz]

It was true that the Peke before the old lion was nothing but a shell of his former self. He was still stark, rude, and kept to himself whenever he could but...it was clear, obvious they change that had occurred. He had a front that he constantly put up. He assumed that if he did what they told him, showed them the respect they thought they deserved that they would let him be whenever he wasn't needed. So far his plan had worked out rather well.

Often he found himself alone, a simple pleasure he couldn't have been happier with. Of course the alone-time did give him all-too-much time to think about the past. Yet he knew that if he didn't put the time and thought into it he would never let go. A hard fact he had recently come to terms with.

At the question he shook his head. "Hardly." He replied pressing his lips together as he wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Quite the opposite..." He mumbled to himself almost sure the other couldn't hear. He didn't want to talk about his nightmares or the flickers of events fated to come.

"Talking won't really help. I appreciate the offer."

The cub responded letting his blue-eyed gaze drift past the older male and into the distance. He wasn't entirely sure of what he was saying, the words just automatically flowed from his lips like an automated doll.

"I've already tried. Everything. Pouring my feelings out for the world to see," He started to explain not really realizing what he was saying or that he was doing so. "I've yelled, I've screamed, I've damned the world with curses but nothing." He admitted bitterly shaking his head as he dropped his gaze to the ground.

"I still just as empty as I did before."  

[demonstration_evil]

Hifadhi sighed, watching Peke as he spoke. So much loss for one so young... And he blamed himself for what had happened to Peke's sister in part already. She had been his to protect, and he had failed in his mission. Useless old man. He should have known better than to expect he could do anything right now. He hadn't even been able to save Ukweli... His oldest, and really, only, remaining friend who had still breathed.

"No... I guess talking never really solved much of anything, did it?" He said, knowing that lying to the cub wouldn't do any good. Besides, he probably wouldn't have anyway. Lying to the children had only ever hurt them. "You can talk about your feelings, or try to see what's different, or damn the world and curse it for leaving you behind... but it doesn't do any good. And you want it to get better, but it doesn't."

It never did. So much idiocy in the world. Loss was something that could never be made up for. And Hifadhi had lost plenty over the years. He had outlived his mate, his siblings, his children, his friends... and nearly Ngao too. Something he would not have been able to bear.

"You think the world should stop. But for some reason it keeps going on... I never could figure that one out. Feels like everything should have ended when they did." He glanced at Peke and sighed, "I'm sorry. About your sister. I know you must miss her... and I know that instead of getting time to be sad, you got a whack of responsibility you don't want instead." A lot like Ukweli, when he had first gotten his visions... Hifadhi had never been jealous of the responsibilty that came with that job.  

[Nuxaz]

The old man had a point. He could do whatever he wanted to express himself but that didn't mean that it would help. For all he knew, it could actually make it worse. "I know...I know..." He mumbled more to himself than to the other male. He wished that things could have reverted back to the way they were before the earthquake. Before he had ever set foot in the lands but he knew it wouldn't nor did he expect it to. He accepted what destiny threw at him. Even if it left him feeling hollow inside.

"I don't blame you."

He stated looking up from the ground to the mostly green male in front of him. He didn't blame the other for the death of his sister except for her murders who, he knew, would face the trials of Destiny and it wouldn't be pretty. Karma was a b***h after all.

"I don't think it was your fault at all, or anyone else in the pride. I don't even blame myself. Everything has a reason and there is a reason for everything."

He stated confidently with a nod and a small twitch of a smile. It felt nice to finally say that to someone. For so long he had blamed himself for everything but now he knew he had nothing to be blamed for and it was pointless for him to continue to blame himself. There was nothing to change about it.

"I don't like it but I accept it. My responsibility that is."  

[demonstration_evil]

Hifadhi was suprised at the maturity of the young cub he spoke too. But he supposed that when one had faced so much loss in so short a time period, one was bound to gain inner wisdom that might not have been accepted. But... the fact that Peke didn't blame him when Hifadhi still blamed himself was something else altogether.

"Thank you, Peke." Hifadhi told him, looking down, "Perhaps I needed to hear that. And I'm glad that you don't blame yourself either. You shouldn't. As you said... it is no one's fault. And even things that perhaps have reasons... eventually, payback does come around. The world balances out..." and it had damn well better after what had happened to Ukweli, or Hifadhi didn't know if he would be able to forgive the world he lived in.

He smiled, his lips twitching a little as he looked at the cub, "If it helps at all, Ukweli told me the same thing, back when he found out that he was a seer. I was just little then, and he wasn't much older. He didn't like it, but he accepted it, and over time, he started to like what he did, because it helped the pride and those he cared about. Perhaps it will be the same for you some day? Maybe not now, or tomorrow, or the day after, but maybe some day, things will be better." He hoped it would. Responsibility had always been something that Hifadhi sought out for himself. He wasn't much good at not accepting his duties.

He was worse at shrugging them off.  

[Nuxaz]

Things had been rough ever since the earthquake. Ever since his sister's death. Things were getting better, slowly but still. At least he could see Dumu relaxing, getting happy again, getting over it. He wasn't sure if he could have handled watching Kuruka die, or seeing her lifeless body no matter the situation. Without a doubt he felt as though he wouldn't be here, before Hifadhi had it been him not Dumu that discovered their sister.

Everything has a reason.

At the old lion's words he shrugged having not thought too much about it. "I don't need thanks. I just simply stated the facts." He replied shaking his head. "Karma isn't kind to those that have sinned." He mumbled more to himself than to the other. It was true. When payback rolled around it was going to sting.

When the other male brought up the dead seer he frowned not wanting to think too much about what had been said the night he finally passed on. So much responsibility had been passed on to such small creatures. Ubele...the mapmaker cub he never actually met.

"Perhaps."

The young male wasn't so sure he agreed with what Hifadhi had to say. He knew there would be a point in time when it was simply second nature, that he wouldn't dislike it. He wasn't so sure that he would like the responsibility that had been tossed his way.

"Perhaps some day."  

[demonstration_evil]

"Perhaps you don't..." Hifadhi achknowledged what the cub had to say with a small nod of his head, "But every now and then it's good to have the facts stated, just so that everyone remembers what's going on." Everything had a reason. Fair enough, though Hifadhi didn't always believe that. He was certain that if he had died in the place of plenty of the other lions who had fallen during the earthquake... perhaps they would be more useful to those around them now.

Him instead of Ukweli. Him instead of Kuruka. Sometimes the things that 'happened for a reason' didn't sit well with him. He was old. He would have willingly died for the others... he didn't have much else to offer the pride now. The others did.

"I can't make any promises..." Hifadhi told him. He didn't make promises anymore. They were too easily broken, whether they were intended to or not, "I merely hope that you don't spend your life doing something that you don't want to do." The Gods knew, Hifadhi certainly wouldn't have wanted that for himself... whether responsibility told him to or not.

"Really, all I can do is wish you luck."  

[Nuxaz]

Peke shrugged, even if he disagreed with whatever the other male was saying he wasn't going to argue. He was to tired to put up much of a fight. A thought that had him laughing inwardly. Not too long ago he was ready for a fight, anywhere, any time. Now, now he just didn't have the energy. He was hardly sleeping and always doing something. Whether that something was him helping the crown prince or whomever else called for him or him simply shirking from his duties. Some days were even spent with him talking to himself!

Despite his best efforts to not give into the fatigue that haunted him a yawn rolled off of his tongue. He was just so sleepy...He couldn't sleep! Then he'd dream. He always dreamed whenever he slept and always...always the dreams involved something he didn't want to know.

But he was just so damn tired.

Maybe a few hours wouldn't hurt. He would probably feel a lot better afterwards..

Blinking he tried to focus on what the other was saying.

"Don't worry. I won't. If I don't like it I'll make a big fuss about it." He replied cracking a small smile. He wasn't sure if he was lying or not. He couldn't tell when he himself was lying unless he really knew.

"I appreciate it."

He replied nodding his head as he yawned again.

"Excuse me Hifadhi, it appears that I do need to take a nap of some sort so..." He paused dipping his head. "If you will excuse me I will do just that." So formal...so much change.  

[demonstration_evil]

Hifadhi sighed. He almost missed when Peke had been more abrasive... at least then he had known what to do about it. Yell, take a stand, be a strong Captain like he always had been. Talking to the aftermath of a boy who had lost so much... He wasn't any good at that. Too honest for it. Even comforting Ngao... even dealing with his own problems, no good.

"If you ever feel like you want to make a big fuss about it, you come to me. I won't hassel you about it." Hifadhi told him, sighing, "You're a good kid. Don't forget that."

He stood up and watched Peke leave, nodding his head a little, "Try to have a good nap..." He almost wanted the boy to snap. To yell like he would have before anything had happened.

Then he walked in the other direction, knowing Peke would be fine... or at the very least, he would arrive back home safely. Whether or not he would actually be fine or not, he didn't know.