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1. I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
2. Don’t get lost in thought; you’d be in unfamiliar territory.
3. Calling you stupid would be an insult to all the stupid people.
4. The more I think about you, the less I think of you.
5. I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.
6. I’d ask you your bra size, but you’d have to realize that the ABCs keeps going after “C”.
7. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
8. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
9. You should learn from your parents’ mistakes; use birth control.
10. Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
11. I’ve noticed that you never let a thought interrupt the flow of your conversation.
12. No, I don’t mind that you’re talking so much — as long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
13. I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
14. Oh my God, look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
15. Good night! I’ll see you in my dreams — if I eat too much.
16. When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
17. No, I don’t think you’re stupid. But then, what’s my own opinion against thousands of others?
18. I love what you’ve done with your hair! How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
19. Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date.
20. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
21. You’re a person of rare intelligence; it’s rare when you show any.
22. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself.
23. Sure, I may be fat, but you’re an idiot — and I can lose weight.
24. I’m sorry to hear about your illness. I hope it’s nothing trivial.
25. When you were born, something terrible happened — you lived.
26. I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
27. Now I know why some mammals eat their children.
28. Don’t you ever get tired of having you around?
29. I don’t know what makes you tick, but I hope it’s a bomb.
30. Are you a moron, or are you possessed by a retarded ghost?
31. You are a beautiful person on the inside. Too bad we have to look at the outside.
32. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
33. Someday you’ll find yourself, and you will be just as disappointed as the rest of us.
34. Out of curiosity, were your parents siblings?
35. If you said what you thought, you’d be speechless.
36. I wish I had a lower IQ so that I could enjoy your company.
37. No, no, keep talking! I always yawn when I’m interested.
38. Is your family happy, or do you go home at night?
39. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. They say opposites attract. I hope you meet somebody who is attractive, intelligent, and cultured.
41. A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
42. May I have the pleasure of your absence?
43. You say you’re a wit? Well, you’re half right.
44. Sure, I’d love to help you out. Do you remember which way you came in?
45. I’d like to say I’m glad you’re here. I’d like to say it; I just can’t.
46. If there’s ever a price on your head, take it.
47. I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
48. Your teeth are brighter than you are.
49. You were born at home, but when your mother saw you she went to the hospital.
50. You’ll go far someday. I hope you stay there.
51. If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.
52. Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go.
53. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
54. Are you always this stupid, or are you just making a special effort today?
55. Me? Getting smart with you? How would you know?
56. I’ll never forget the first time we met — although, I’ll keep trying.
57. Don’t waste your money with a mind reader. Go see a palm reader instead — you’ve got a palm.
58. Moonlight becomes you — total darkness, even more.
59. I’d like to leave you with a parting thought, but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.
60. I know you are nobody’s fool, but there’s still hope that someone will adopt you.
61. Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
62. Your entire purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
63. Was that your conclusion, or simply the point in the conversation where you got tired of thinking?
64. Must you leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
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