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 Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:52 pm
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Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:55 pm
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Love Forever,
Alexis
Dear Bianca,
I stand here every day, wondering if this will be the last time I’ll get to see the sunset. I’m afraid, Bianca. I’m worried. I don’t have you here to guide me and hold me and tell me that everything is alright. It’s gotten really bad. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out alone.
Love Forever,
Alexis
The young woman stood alone on the bridge, staring at the murky waters and broken ice below her. Not for the first time, she took a hesitant step closer to the edge. It was fenced, of course, so she couldn’t fall, but there were ways. There were always ways to fall. Her face was blank and impassive, a mask covering her thoughts, emotions and personality, the one she wore every day in everything she did.
There were dark, dark circles under her eyes, which were bloodshot, and her skin was so pale that it glowed in the moonlight. Even though it was still winter, she was wearing a tank top and a short skirt. She looked as if she was once a larger-than-average sized girl but, somehow, her body had shrunken in her skin, leaving it sagging in places where it shouldn’t. Beside her on the ground, there was a discarded plastic flask half-filled with a brown liquid that created a puddle beside her bare feet. There was vomit in her hair and stains on her shirt. In the bright light of the moon it was clear that there was blood trickling from her elbows in thin waves.
It was near midnight. There were no cars on the bridge so there was nobody to watch her as she stepped up onto the railing and balanced there, arms outstretched as if ready to embrace the fate that was so ready to pull her in. But she didn’t fall. She didn’t lose her balance. She just stood there.
“No,” she whispered, tears starting to fall down her cheeks. “No. I can’t.”
The soft breeze caressed her dark brown hair and froze the salty liquid diamonds to her apple-red cheeks. She knelt on the bar and took a shaky step backwards onto the pavement below and behind her. She rested against the railing and looked up at the moon. “I promised you,” she said softly. She smiled a weak, watery smile. “And I won’t.”
Dear Bianca,
I almost lost myself again. I was standing there and I just wanted to end it all. I didn’t want the pain in my head or the aching in my heart anymore. But I looked up at the moon and I remembered the promise I made you. Alexis, you said, I want you to promise me that no matter what happens, you’ll live to be a hundred for me. No more flippant frilly s**t. Just you, me, and that big triple-digit number. And I promised you, then, that I’d live as long as possible for you. Just for you. I miss you, baby.
Love Forever,
Alexis
“Hey, Crash.”
She hated the nickname, but she smiled at the boy whose house she was at. “What’s up, Wes?” she asked.
“I heard you’re getting clean.”
“Yeah. Haven’t had a drink in a month. Haven’t shot up since that night, either.”
“Well, good for you. She would have been proud.”
“What is up with you, god damn it? Yesterday you were ready to beat the crap out of me and now you’re being all buddy-buddy? Dude, you go through moods faster than I go through shoes.”
“I’m trying to be nice. Don’t ruin it for yourself.”
“Nice? Nice? If you know I’m getting clean, why do you have your dad’s liquor out? And why are you smoking in the house? Are you trying to tempt me? And don’t give me s**t about trying to help me because I know it’s a lie.”
“Yeah, I am, actually, trying to tempt you. Is it working?”
“Screw you. Gimme a shot and a drag and then I’m out of here.”
But she didn’t stop at a shot of heroin or a single drag of a crack pipe. She spiraled out of control, like she always did. And when she was done, she lived up to her nickname and crashed right back down to earth. Horrified with what she’d done, after swearing to Bianca that she wouldn’t, she ran.
Dear Bianca,
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Love forever,
Alexis
The girl, nicknamed Crash, was hanging on by a thread. She was kneeling over a grave, in front of a picture of the girl buried beneath. The girl in the picture had pretty auburn hair and honey-brown eyes. She was in her graduation gown. The colour had faded from the picture and there were clear signs of weathering on the beaten metal picture frame. The glass was broken.
“What would you say if I didn’t keep my promise?” Crash asked the grave, asked the empty graveyard. “What would you say?”
The silence was oppressive, crushing Crash, deafening Crash. She put her hands over her multiple-pierced ears and started sobbing. There were fresh, shallow cuts on her wrists, dripping blood onto the pure white snow below her and staining the white crimson.
“Help me!” she shrieked. “Help me, please, Bianca! I’m n-n-not strong enough anymore!”
Scattered around her were the shredded remains of letters and an open brown box with a picture on the cover of Crash, in a different age and time when she was still beautiful and had a personality worth more than a cent, and the girl from the graveside photo. They were embracing, their hands in each others’ back pockets, and they were both smiling at the camera. They were obviously in love. A breeze picked up a piece of shredded paper and briefly, the words Love Forever, Alexis were visible.
“I’m not strong enough,” Crash moaned. “I’m just not strong enough, Bianca . . . help me be strong again. Help me!”
A gust of wind caused the great oak tree above her to groan and shake. A large branch fell and hit Crash in the shoulder, knocking her to the side. She lay in the snow and stared at her wrists, stained red against the snow.
Alexis . . .
She curled into herself and closed her eyes. Light flakes of snow began to fall.
Come with me, Alexis . . .
Through the haze of drugs, Crash saw Bianca standing beside her headstone. She was wearing a white dress.
Follow me, Alexis . . .
Crash stood on shaky legs and took Bianca’s outstretched hands.
Do not look back . . .
She looked back. Her body was laying beneath a fine layer of snow, her eyes open and blank, staring. She looked back to Bianca, but Bianca wasn’t there anymore. There was nobody.
Goodbye, Alexis . . .
With a jolt, she landed in her own body and let out a loud groan. Searchlights from the opposite side of the graveyard trained on her and policemen and concerned volunteers raced to her side. Somebody was calling an ambulance.
Don’t forget your promise to me, Alexis. Never forget.
As Alexis was carried away from Bianca’s headstone, she left Crash behind, too. The drugged-out, scared little girl found herself taken in the arms of a beautiful angel with auburn hair and honey-brown eyes. Alexis peeked over the shoulder of the policeman carrying her away and saw her evil side cradled in Bianca’s arms.
“I won’t forget,” she promised in a whisper, so that none could hear her over the storm brewing around them.
Dear Bianca,
I’ve been busy these last few years, Bianca. I’m sorry I haven’t written. But I’m sure, being my guardian angel and all, that you knew that I was thinking of you every day.
I spent two years in rehab. I’ve been clean for three years now and I am still in therapy. When I was in rehab, I was under suicide watch for most of the time. It was hard, but I made it through. You helped me get through. I owe you everything I have and ever will have.
I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Penny and she is majoring in literature the way I am. Together, we’re writing a book and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I still love you, Bianca, but holding onto the past is what got me into the situation I was in. I hope you’ll forgive me for moving on, but somehow, I know that it is what you would have wanted. She and I have been together for seven months today and even as I am writing this, she is helping me pack to go back to school.
I miss you a lot, Bianca, and I hope that one day, when my spirit enters the summerlands, we shall meet again and talk and laugh and be together in the way we used to be. But that day is very far off. I still have a long life to live before I die.
Take care, Bianca.
Love Forever,
Alexis |
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Posted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:19 am
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