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 Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 9:43 pm
o_x_Shifty_x_o o_x_Shifty_x_o o_x_Shifty_x_o o_x_Shifty_x_o o_x_Shifty_x_o So no s**t, true story, there I was, balls deep in the jungles of Nam with nothing but a coat hanger, some silly string and ten rounds of 25 mm for a Bradley fighting vehicle when up popped these elves asking me if I knew why the sacred banana had been slaughtering infants in a wholesale crusade into the Eye of Terror with a regiment of candy coated hobo-zombies while it rained indoors. Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me. But the rest of the story comes later. As promised, here's the next installment in the exciting series of "The Adventures of Preliat Militis, the Mandlaorian Shifty Frog of Doom and Stuff and Things!" The regiment of hobo zombies, mentioned previously were actually quite the sociable bunch and were just the type of people, if that's what they could be called, that I would befriend, though my previous employers were obvious not going to be thrilled at my dubious and unannounced change in loyalties to this war we found ourselves in. Unfortunately for them, Shifty gives not ten shits nor a mouses hind quarters during tax season what others think of him when a profit is visible and that in mind, I banded together with the feisty and homeless devourers of flesh and bone and set off to engage in ravenous games of checkers with the Ottoman empire with the help of my trusty steed and favorite inanimate object, BOB, who will not be around after the show for questions. Together, none were able to stand in our way and, though my weapon jammed in the height of the semi-finals' most exciting moments, I faltered not for I had in my possession the answer to the forbidden question, and my enemies dared not destroy me for their desire to know burned greater then a five year old's backside after bringing home straight D minuses. With that advantage, and the fact that I had a greater need to win then anyone else, I sallied forth, punching them in the face one by one until they cried. Then I felt bad.... But, not wanting to show weakness, I retrieved my weapon, unjammed it and shot them all dad in front of their cousins, a lesson to any who would dare defy the Lord of Change. Revenge fueled their hearts and I knew this battle was not yet won, but I was confident in my ability to murder the innocent and righteous, being a man of faith and a firm believer in Jesus Christ. But, the rest of the story come later... Once again, it's time for a journey into the exploits of Lord General Militant Preliat "Shifty" Militis, Uniform Company 'The Undead', 1st Battalion, 254th Death Korps Regiment, Officer Commanding. Well, the sister daughters and brother sons of my most hated foe came at me, swords of pure light screaming chants of devotion to the fell powers of evil and wickedness, yet heed them I did not, for though they may have been powerful temptations they attempted to leak into my subconscious, I had a sworn duty and no one, not even YOU, dear reader, can sway Shifty from his sacred duty. And so, purge them I did, obliterating their flesh with high caliber rounds, finely focused laser weaponry and ordnance enough to shatter worlds, but still they came. In their millions and billions and trillions and quadrillions and quintillion and decillions they came, so many people, I would have lost count were it not for the fact that I counted to infinity twice in one day. And so I set forth, my armor glistening with the life fluids of my fallen foe and many a rabid gerbil at my side to devour the corpses produced by the Factories of Nill with smiles on their grubby faces. Too long had they gone without eating because I am irresponsible and chose to watch tv instead. The enemy prayed to destroy me alone, yet my rodents refused them and they swarmed upon the Servants of the Liar Gods with voracious hunger and the sounds of shrill laughter could be heard from the soon to be dead foe as the furry monsters tickled them with their whiskers, lulling them into false senses of security. Seeing an opportunity to make my get away and return to the real battlefield, I whistled for my Basilisk War Droid. In stead, I got three, one of them being my own and the other two being occupied by my most trusted comrade and brother in arms, the other by my most beloved cyar'ika. Together, the three of us set to the stars to find the nearest apocalyptic battle field to go and ******** s**t UP. Mutha ******** class="clear">Could this be thin final installment to this epic tale of wanton bloodshed? ******** no, but it is the next one! Well, as I set off to wage true war with my intimidatingly beautiful (and well armed) wife DM, and my longest friend and greatest ally Fir'ika at my side, I knew the day was soon at hand when Interpol would come to take me to the Gibbit woods. Unfortunately for them, I had my wits about me, which is something odd, in truth, as I have given to allow my mind to wander into the realm of duh and drool, but I digress. They launched their counter push before my initial push could begin. A foolish move, as we were at that precise moment getting ready to deploy into the first warzone of the Great Crusade, and we were well ready for anything they could throw at us. As the whole of the United Nations sent their cannon fodder to die against our flying steel and blaster fire, the trio I found myself a part of cut a bloody swath, crushing, blasting and incinerating all who came before us in unnecessary amounts of gore and ick. There was, indeed, a gratuitous amount of corpses that littered the battlefield before the true battle had even started. As the forces of Terra lay dead at our feet, we pressed onward to strike at the very heart of the foul Greenskins and the demonic filth that had enticed them into their millennium blood rage. Like creatures possessed we broke them with everything we had, burning the very sky with our fury and turning the sand at our feet to beautiful, deadly broken glass that lacerated any who were weak enough to fall. The enemy tried to flee, but I was without mercy and ordered the first nuclear strike in a series of 7,314 that would rage across 217 different worlds and would render the populations of those worlds defenseless, if they were not dust already. Did I care for their wretched lives? Negative, ghost rider, for if you oppose capitalism, such shall be your fate! And so, I pressed on, through the nuclear tide of molten earth that flowed at our feet, my blade drawn as I saw the enemy champion, beckoning me in shining arrogance, and it was then that I knew that this battle would be one of the biggest of this Holy War... Though my words and actions seem to hide the fact, my religious values are actually quite high, and being a warrior as well, I was a prime candidate to lead the expeditionary force sent to destroy the ones seeking to wipe us from existence. Tasked with causing serious blunt force trauma to the face of a certain enemy commander, I took only my most capable of allies, my darling and deadly wife, DM, my long time best friend and brother, Firin and his entourage, as well as my good friend, Kiston Swordsinger. With this elite force, we cut through the enemy's defenses like a scalpel through flesh. (Being a medic, I do know what I'm talking about for a change. :] ) The enemy was so easily carved through, we were upon our foe in moments. That was when I made my mistake. It was so easy to rip his forces apart, almost like they were made of paper and we were fighting in the rain, and so I judged him as little better. Foolish of me. As I came in to fell him in a single strike, he parried and struck back with a speed that matched my own, but caught me off guard because of my lack of faith in my enemy's fortitude. We were locked in fierce combat from there on out and none of my companions dared to move closer, not wishing to interrupt this honor duel. Though my enemy was a fearsome opponent, he was also a coward, and behind me he'd ordered a sniper to overwatch the battle. As he broke away, I heard the crack of a sniper rifle and turned, expecting my life fluids to poor out of me. Instead, I turned to see my companion, Kiston, standing less then a foot away from me, taking the full force of the bullet into his own body. He staggered only for a moment before rising up and taking his weapon to the sniper with a righteous anger befitting the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. As I turned to run to my dear friend's aid, my enemy reignited our ferocious duel, and I was unable to get to him. Rage filled my entire body and, though I'm not proud to admit it, I allowed myself to let the Force flow through me, as well as the Warp and I sent a non-physical attack at him that was so powerful I nearly died of exhaustion on the spot. My enemy was now an ashen ruin and I slowly limped to where Kiston was at, sunk onto his knees with the snipers head, detached from his body in my comrade's hand. I put my hand on his shoulder, but my good friend had already passed, the horrific wound in his chest draining him of his last drops of blood. That night we did not celebrate any victories, for Lord Kiston, commander of the Interior Guard and leader of the Triad system had fallen in honorable combat, but he would sorely be missed... Like a wind from the Islands of Khaine, our task force lanced our way into the heart of a major enemy installation. Fueled by the anger at the loss of one of our greatest friends, we shattered through the enemy's lines and went straight for the guy in charge. Well, it turned out to be a very powerful sorceress, and a very naggy one, I might add. Between spells she flung at us she complained, almost non stop, about the mess we made, but that was of no consequence. Within moments our concentrated fire power had her in pieces and we were blazing deeper into their territory. Having left the Basilisks in orbit for much more practical bikes, we roared forth on the loudest engines I think have ever been made. We tore trough dense jungle, freezing tundras and a vast desert faster then the guy from 10,000 B.C. and were soon upon the source of the sorceress' power. A mighty bastion stood before us, guarded by all manner of mechanical beast and inside were the enemy's cloning machines, what they used to keep their vast and powerful army going after the heavy losses incurred by our host. Looking to my comrades, we decided that stealth and sabotage were the name of the game, now. Ditching our bikes, we waited for cover of nightfall and pushed out on foot... Guildy Fluffers! scream Hi. :3 So, I've just been informed that, after this one, our next mission will be our last before we go him. Needless to say, I did a lil dance. In public! If there's one thing I've learned from being here, it's that some countries just need to be nuked. >_> Sorry if that offends anyone, but you don't understand. Otherwise you'd be mad at us for not doing it sooner! >_> And if one more 40 year old male propositions me for sex, I will no longer log on to Gaia online, because I will have been arrested for murder. 3nodding Anyways, I noticed that I throw a lot of random and none too useful info out in these topic starting posts, just to make them extra long, so I thought I'd share with you all, that I will be nerding it out on Eve Online, soon. Two of my friends, Sergeant Davis and Specialist Wood both seem to want to jump into it with me, one of them being the damage absorbing tank, the other being an ambushing hit-and-run frigate, and myself piloting a battleship that's utter crap against a bunch of tiny ships, but will rape the face of a couple larger ships. Oh yeah, and we're gonna be mean pirates, too! :3 As goes with just about anything I post now, as well, I can't leave out the Call of Duty info! Yeah, I think I'm just straight addicted to this game in a bad way. But who cares? Not this guy. In spirit of me not caring, HERE is a bad a** trailer that I only just discovered. *smacks self* SO HOW YOU FLUFFIES DOING!?!?!?!?!?! scream
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Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 10:37 pm
Amazing @.@
Eve I hear mixed reviews about.. But if you find it fun then yay ^^
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 2:31 am
As have I, so I decided to research it for myself and it actually looks pretty cool. I think what tied me in, though, was the story of how a mass group of players rebelled against one of the admins and destroyed his/her capital ship as an act of defiance.
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 12:38 pm
i want to ride a really loud badass bike one day. ill ride it through a quiet suburban neighborhood >:]
mmmm, rebellion <3
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 6:52 pm
My brother plays EVE online and showed it to me. I wasn't able to get into it.
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 7:43 pm
@DM- I hope I don't have that same problem. xD I tried WoW, got bored of it two days after I bought a month's worth and didn't get no money back.
@Debi- Psh, rebellious youth. rolleyes
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 12:57 am
@Debi: Take me with you~ <3
@Shifty: This is why there are free trials XD
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:24 am
shifty: more like wasted youths. but as long as its fun, wdgaf xP made a film about it, pretty sad stuff...
kuro: off course i will :]
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 3:55 pm
cool
*puts a pirate flag on Debi's bike*
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 7:57 pm
d e b i J
i want to ride a really loud badass bike one day. ill ride it through a quiet suburban neighborhood >:]
mmmm, rebellion <3
I'd like to play opera every time I get near someone that has their rap music playing loudly where it shakes my car. @Shifty: I guess it just depends on what you're into. All I know is that EVE is based in outer space. You have ships, blow other ships up, buy insurance for ships that you have so that you can have them blown up, and you play the market. If prices for a material go up you sell what you have, etc.
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Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 8:39 am
kuro: you....are so so awesome right now <3
or, always xD
dm: HAHAHA, dude, opera is pretty interesting actually. the closest to that ive done was play my musical playlist really loud and sing along xD west side story, muahaha
i can so totally rap tho
-spits a beat-
uh...yeah, listen
the only rap i listen to is gangster rap
cause im a G, i aint no sap
i can rhyme like a mofo, and i can curse too
so you better watch out cause ima getchoooo :]
LOL
not as good as tswizzle tho, shes the shizzle forrizzle
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Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 1:47 pm
XD XD XD
<3
Hmm... I usually blast techno music/Foreign songs to counter their loud rap stuffs XD
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Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 7:23 pm
@Shifty: Nice. 10,00 B.C. reference. XD
@Debi: nice rap dood. XD Let's Record it... O_+
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Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 5:50 am
@DM- That's what I like about it. Plus, you can ransom people! >:3
@Kiston- It was an insult to the movie. ;;>_>
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Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 9:46 pm
One man's insult is another man's compliment..? O.o?
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