War of the Life (not accepting)

[momadness]

Name: Aleka Frolless
Nickname/Preferred Name: Alek
Romantic Status: in love with Mazi, but unsure if the feeling is mutual
Gender: girl
Short Bio: alek is a brave, sweet, sort of shy, high energetic, and helpful. a girl who always wants to help as much as possiple
Picture:
Three Likes: Mazi, unicorns, and reading
Three Dislikes: Zamof(naturally), dragons, and her annoying sister Alyssa the asstess
What Side Are You On? (Dertia or Zamof) biggrin ertia
Popularity Rank (1-10): people who dont know her, since she is shy, think 5, but ppl who no her think 10.
Position (Medi/Medess, Troopi/Troopess, Undi/Undess, Boti/Botess, Capi/Capess, Assti/Asstess): Medess
Race:Vampire
Super Power: Invisibility
Age:16


Name:Pare (the meaning is "the star of the sea") Sarcetess
Nickname/Preferred Name: Po
Romantic Status: None. Too gross.
Gender: Female
Short Bio: I grew up in Zamof with the given name of "Pare." My life was normal, I was expected to become a houswive--they lead disgusting and boring lives you know, their only true calling is making babies--but I chose otherwise. I guess my name became my fate... many people call me "girl of the sea." May I also add that I have no intention of dying in battle, or anywhere for a matter of fact (souls in Zamof can live forever unless murderers strike). There is also nothing inside me that wishes to grow to be a--God forbid--wife.
Picture:
Three Likes:
*Poetry
*Reading
*Analisys of Dreams/Words
Three Dislikes:
*Sea Sickness
*Most Dertians
*Undis/Undesses
What Side Are You On? (Dertia or Zamof): Zamof
Popularity Rank (1-10): A 5 if you know her personally, a 10 if you don't.
Position (Medi/Medess, Troopi/Troopess, Undi/Undess, Boti/Botess, Capi/Capess, Assti/Asstess): Botess
Race: Neko
Super Power: Hearing up to 50 miles away, 25 miles under water.
Age: 16  

[Lola157]

I am not your normal vampire. first of all, I can turn invisible and no other vampire can. Most can only have the same gift, to be able to see into the future. Only 2 known vampires have another kind of gift. Me, with my turning invisible thing, and Mazi, who can read minds. Most vampires hunt animals,only 20% hunt humans, but I hate killing. It is hard for me, but I survive on the blood of already dead humans and anmals. I like being different, ecspecially when I am being different with my true love, Mazi heart . It can get annoying, his mind reading though. One time I was spying on him while invisible but he knew I was there because he read my mind. Luckily he didnt know it was me.  

[momadness]

First off, I have to tell you that you have a lot of work. I'll put down some less obvious critiques first (considering how many you have) and see if any of the more obvious ones fix themselves over time. Part of the problem with your post is it is in first person. I know, I know, I told you you could post like that, but I changed my mind. Do your post in third person. Now, let me start the list of things wrong (I could get sort of long).
1. Post in size small (it's at the top under "size)
2. Make your posts some sort of color, their boring me
3. Spell out numbers
4. Since it's now in third person, make it say you say more about where she is and what she's doing, the post you just did was more of background information.
5. Do not use emoticons
6. There were some grammar issues so you need to spend time checking over those

 

[Lola157]

Aleka Frolless who goes by Alek was 3 miles away from the country borders of Dertia and Zamof in the medication center, like everyday, since she is a medess. She found Mazi, her love,lying in one of the beds. Mazi thought of them as just friends, but Alek is madly in love with Mazi. She went over 2 see what was wrong. He had been burnt by the dragons while in the mountains, because he was a troopi, fighting in the war. Then, suddenley, a girl she hated named Aviona who was another medess and had a crush on Mazi came by 2 c how he was doing. Purposely going in front of Alek when she went over 2 him, Aviona made Alek fall backwards. Embarressed, Alek turned invisible and ran off. that was Alek's most embaressing moment, looking clumsy in front of her ,as she thought, soul mate. Aviona knew about how much Alek loved Mazi because they, suprisingly, used 2 b best friends. They got into a fight and r now enemies. Aviona developed a crush on Mazi because of that and is always trying 2 emabarass Alek in front of him. Mazi knows Aviona likes him because its really obvious, and he hates her, but puts up with her nonetheless. Alek hates Aviona and loves Mazi. Aviona likes Mazi and hates Alek, and Mazi doesnt hate Aviona, but doesnt like her, and likes Alek as a friend.  

[momadness]

1. No text talk!
2. More grammar issues
3. Talk in past tense, not present. For example: Alek was here. You also switched between past and present tense. Keep with past tense, please.
4. Use pronouns (For example: instead of Alek all the time use she)


It needs a lot of work, by the way, but you're getting there.

 

[momadness]

Po was riding through the waves, viewing the world from different eyes. The wind was a solace, the soft crashing noise gave her comfort and the droplets of water nurished her skin. This was where she wanted to be for the rest of her life. Unfortunately, the beautiful waters would have to leave her sometime, technically she would have to leave them, for the scorched and sunbacked land. Land was in sight. And, of course, it was not just any random unclaimed land. It was Dertia land; it was their enimes land. Po was ready for the inevitable fight that would soon follow their docking, but she wasn't ready for the clouds. And, just as the land had a fallback, the clouds did to. They were cumulonimbus clouds otherwise known as thunderheads or storm clouds. And by the looks of it--she happened to be good at telling the weather, it happened to be part of the job requirment as a botess--they would hit about half an hour before they hit land. That meant they must perpare.
"Crew members on deck!" she commanded immediatly as she spotted the clouds. She then told them of the storm and began ordering every crew group around to storm positions. None were all that fearful, (they've been through many storms like this) but their boat wasn't built for storms. Po heard some fearful whispers at points, but it wasn't thought of as a life threatening situation, especially with a girl like Pare the "girl of the sea" in charge.  

[Lola157]

Alek, feeling the wind slap against her face on a breezey day, was rushing to the mountains on her unicorn. She had no time to lose. Since Alek is a medess, she had to race to the mountains to help Mazi who she had heard got attacked by a dragon. Her heart pounding, she found him laying there partialy burnt. He had many scratches and was looking horribly hurt. She hauled him on to the unicorn and too him back to the medical center. Raging with fear, she took him onto one of the beds andtryed to heal him. She put so much concentration into it, that she almost didn't notice her sister, also on a bed, next to them. Almost. Now people that she loved right next to each other, both hurt, both waiting for her to heal them. Her family or her love, she couldn't choose.  

[momadness]

1. Put in color
2. Make it size small

P.S. You are doing a lot better.

 

[momadness]

Po docked on shore just as rain started to fall. Turned out her predictions were wrong (it partially had to do with the delayed weather and their quickening pace). On land she saw numerous mountains and people running in chaos. They didn't see them approach; it seemed as if the disturbance was caused by some sort of animal, not them. Maybe, it was a dragon or a giant or a... no it must've been a dragon, for that was the animal that could live in the mountains besides unicorns. She stopped the boat and told the troopies to stay on board. The boties just drove and steered the boat or, if needed, attacked enemy boats. So, Po directed the tropies to get the assi. The assi came out and Po told her of the dilemna and the assi directed them to stay un board. But, at that exact moment, Po saw a person from Dertia spot them. The person ran away and told others. There was nothing anyone from Zamof in that boat could do except prepare for battle. So, the troopies left the boat for the dangers ahead.  

[Lola157]

Mazi woke up. He opened his eyes, as they slowly adjusted to see Alek standing over him. For a minute they just stared at each other, but the Alek left to go see how her sister was doing.
Once both were awake and, not to mention, feeling alot better, Alek took a deep breath and sat down. She had worked franticlly
for four hours alternating between helping Alyssa and helping Mazi so she was exhausted. It was the end of her work shift, so, knowing they were both okay, she sat down in the chair and fell asleep as soon as she closed her eyes. When she woke up she was in her house. Alek looked around to see if she could teel how she got there. When she looked to her left Alyssa and mazi were standing there. "About time you woke up" said Alyssa "Mazi had to carry you home because someone already was using all the unicorns." Alek looked over to Mazi who had a slight smile on my face. "It was least I could do in return for you saving my life, thank you." Ayssa sighed and mumbled "I guess I should say thank you, too." Alek, very poud at that moment replied "Hey, its my job" as a huge grin spread across her face. You would have guessed she would be sad in the time of war. She didnt know what was coming for them.  

[momadness]

1. Some spelling isues.
2. Some grammar issues (For example: You didn't put commas before your quotes, and you needed to. Also, you needed to put them after if you continued the sentence.)

 

[momadness]

Po stood numbly looking at the troopies. If the dragon hurt them, which it would if it found them, they could not help them. There were no medies on the boat (a poor choice on the Assi's and Capi's part) so, there would be no medical care. Po then glanced over at the tens of troopies heading on shore. Then, she stared at the mountain ahead, desperate to make sure the Zamof men and women would be safe. There was no reassurance because, even though she did not spot the dragon, they tended to hide and jump out when least expected. Po was terrified for the troopies and knew she could not just sit there if there was a giant chance of many of them dying. Just then, Po was hit with an idea. If I go to their medicine house secretly, she thought, I might have a chance of bringing medical supplies back. We probably have some people on board who know how to treat dragon wounds, including me, so the supplies would help... Po decided that she would sneak out of the boat and find the medicine house. So, she walked to shore, joined the pack of troopies, and set of for, what she hoped, was the medicine house.

As the mountains loomed closer, she realized something she probably should have thought of before. She was famous. That was a specific problem because the troopies kept glancing at her, knowing she was the famous botess, Po. They'd probably realize she was gone on the boat to. So, as quickly as she came, she left it go on her own trail. This was not such a bright idea, either, because, being on the beach gave her no protection from the troopies spotting her. But, Po couldn't worry about that now, because the beach led into trees which led into what she was hoping for, the medicine house. The medicine house was a beige tent, with people (mostly medies) buzzing around, all extremly busy. She used her hearing and heard many, many people inside, too. Her only hope was to sneak around back, find where they keep the medi clothes and to walk in there like a Dertian. Po hid in the trees and rounded around to the back to find a house in the distance. The house was circular with two small windows. From what she knew, it was a medi house. She decided to change her plan and invade into the house, quickly get medicine (which the medies always kept in their house), and leave. Po slowly stalked up to the house and crawled through the, thankfully, open window. Again her plan was not thought through well because she landed in a house with three people. Two of them were girls with dazzleing blue hair and glitery eyes. One looked around thirteen and the other looked about eighteen. The other one was an attractive male who was about her age with tinted gold hair and blue-yellow eyes.

"S**t," she said, staring at all three of them.