If you really knew me

[Irational_Angel]

I didn't know in what other forum to post this so I thought this one would be okay sweatdrop So here it goes.
I have been watching the T.V. show "If you really knew me" on MTV lately and decided to post my own and encourage you to post yours. There is no judgment here, please no flaming. The point of this is not to complain about your life, it's to be able to vent without being ridiculed. It's to seek advice and a shoulder to cry from others. Keep an open mind and heart. Everyone needs and wants to accepted. Anything you want to say say it, nothing is too taboo. NO JUDGMENT I SAY AGAIN!!!!

If you really knew me you'd know that I had a very self inflicted sexual past. I would do things that were inappropriate for my age and say things that I shouldn't have said. As a child I was exposed to sex at a very tender age and have been dealing with these thoughts and feelings for the majority of my life. If you really knew me you'd know that I was and still am constantly compared to my older sister. I was never known as myself, I was known as "So-and-so's little sister". People were always commenting on how gorgeous she was/is, and I was left in the background feeling awkward and alone. I was forced to find myself at a young age, I matured quickly and excelled in all areas, except for image. If you really knew me you'd know that I'm always telling myself "I'm petite, not skinny, I need to be skinny, like my sister." I watch commercials about people dieting and losing weight and looking fantastic, but I never think I'll be able to say that, in fear of taking things too far. If you really knew me you'd know that I HATE being smart. It's I'm always caught up in my thoughts, whether it's about books or personal stuff I'm always thinking about things that are way beyond my peers intelligence levels. The things that bore them fascinate me. They get tired of my genius thoughts and leave me. Then I rely on my internet friends whom are usually years older than me, but this results in thinking about how my friends end up hating me because I'm too opinionated. If you really knew me you'd know how messed up I am on the inside.  

[MemorysGalleySlave]

Well, I'd have to say, you are strong. Of course, I can never say that I know what you went through, it would be an insult to you. But I can say this, you're a strong person. To be able to talk about what you went through on a place that exposes you to an area with such a massive population. Not only that, you are still around. Personally, I would love to meet you. Hell, I would love to be your friend. Also, I would love to know the real you, not as what you call "so and so's etc", but as a fellow Storm rider (A term I came up with for people such as myself and anyone else who have gone through massive suffering with an over active inner thinking).

Anyways, about myself. I'm 18, male, and I am a storm rider. I didn't start off with a bad start, hell, I admit some would envy me, if you could envy a 1-4 year old child. Anyways, I learned the basics, family love, money, the wanting of toys and so on. However, when I turned 5, I moved in with my mother. I met her other boy friend, whom I thought was great. Hell, since my dad was never around, I looked at him as the man I wanted to be, as my hero, as my father.

Afterwards, my mother and him got married and took me with them in a house he had bought. I told my first lie, and my mother was on me in an instant. She was religious, got me to believe in Christianity. Then started my step-father's abuse. God, he made me miserable. He would beat me for no reason, he would beat me with any reason he could find. He judged me to the standards of an adult, so as a 5 year old child, you can imagine how badly I failed at that. He would damage me physically and emotionally. Constantly hammered in me how much of an idiot I was. I was so busy surviving his abuse that my grades never were pretty. He used my grades to prove my intelligence. I remember his first blow. I can say this, it was never the physical act that hit me the hardest, it was the fact that a man I saw as my hero, a man who I saw as a father had the will and anger to destroy me. I still don't believe in heroes today.

My mother worked late every night. My step-father said it was because I was such a horrible child that she never wanted to see my face. I never believed him. My family felt helpless, if they called child support, I and my half brother would be sent to an orphanage, so no one in my family ever helped me. I viewed my mother as my last sanctuary, you know, a person you could depend on. She was eventually driven mad since my grades were so horrible, so she drove me to a parking lot near a bank, demanded I get out of the van and I did. She slammed the door and drove away, leaving me in that parking lot. I was 7-8 years old. Trust and dependency died that day. The child took another deep stab.

Ever since then, children and people have always tormented me. Called me an idiot, weak, pathetic, etc. I was also only known as, "Adrian's big brother" never by my name. All I was was a shadow, or as my step-father lovingly called me, a cockroach that no one wants but just never dies.

If you knew me, you would see a person put together by scars. If you knew me, you would see a person facinated by the art of murder, because the me inside is scared, devastated. If you knew me, you would see me as shadow strider, the person who remained in the dark to protect others. I guard the ones I care about by moving in the dark. The things most people are afraid to face, I linger and protect them from. All the things that people can't face, i.e. suffering, I take ten fold for them. If you knew me, you would see a child under this shell of an adult, a child who's afraid of being alone, but is, a child who wants to feel the warmth of others, but is ashamed of himself, and ashamed to let the warmth touch him.  

[Elektro7]

This is actually something i've never told anybody before, this seems like as good a time and place as any.

Halfway through first grade I skipped up to grade 2 due to my marks being incredibly high.
You may have some general idea about what happened from TV or something, where the new kid is really popular, and welcomed in.

I must say, in my experience, that is total bullshit.

The instant I walked into my new class, nobody really seemed to care too much.
Later at recess, and every single one following, nearly the entire class took the chance to greet me, with "go back where you came from"'s, . It became somewhat of a sport for them to make up random stories about me, most of them quite horrible. Since it was the "popular" people doing this, nobody questioned them, they believed everything they said blindly. So as a result, I was ridiculed and tortured every day for at least a year.

I didn't make any real friends until halfway through third grade. Which I suppose was quite a turning point in my life, the teacher was one of those people that were truly amazing. The ridiculing hadn't stopped by this time, I had learned to just ignore it, but my single friend wouldn't stand for it.
Suffice to say, several people who made fun of me were to take trips to the doctor in the weeks that followed. After a few "occurences", they stopped, to my face at least, it was quite obvious that they were still doing their thing behind my back.

Nothing of note really happened until Grade 7, when instead, they turned to making fun of my friend. Believing that he wasn't about to attack them for his own security, and that I wouldn't due to whatever reason.
They were horribly wrong, I believe I broke one's arm, and knocked another out. When I explained the situation in full however, those in authority all seemed to agree that they got what was coming to them, although I got quite an earful.

That again, was a turning point, where the whispers stopped in their entirety, and my reputation slowly began to recover, most notably in Grade 9.
When my parents divorced.
Don't get all sad and stuff, because I really didn't see what the big deal was, I knew it had nothing to do with me. However I sort of began to wonder if my believing that was selfish in some way. Then I began to wonder if even having that thought was a sign of doubt, this sort of endless circle of thought took up more time that I'd like to admit, and in it I also discovered quite a few things about myself that I'd really rather not say, and this endlessly circular thought has become habit for me, and I constantly second guess myself.

Another thing about Grade 9 is quite important.
The thing is, the town I live in is divided in half by the highway, the East and West side, with seperate elementary, and middle schools for each side. The High school however, which was Grades 9-12, was shared between both sides.
In short, more than half the people I was going to school with were people who had never been exposed to the rumors about me, and without their interference I made, and still have quite a few really awesome people I can call my friend.

Although most of that is in the past, I still respond in much the same way to violent challenges to myself or friends. I've tried to change that, but it seems to be hard-wired in there, of course I have made some progress in that regard, but nowhere close to comepletely overcoming it.

As for those that in all honesty, ruined the majority of my life as of yet, they stay out of my way, I stay out of theirs. Although there are those of them who on occasion don't stay out my way, not to say they do so violently, or with hurtful intentions, on a few of these occasions my former (oppressors?) have actually shown themselves to be great people, with or without a sort of "forgive and forget" sort of outlook. Which I guess I'm fine with, as long as they actually mean it.


Throughout most of my life, I've had to turn away from things in reality for companionship. I would turn to games, books, stories, pets, anything. As a result of this, I think I'm sorta predisposed to really get into stories. I don't think there's ever been a time I haven't played a game, or read a book and haven't been on the verge on crying because anyone, even a nameless minor character dies or disappears.  

[Irational_Angel]

This song spoke mountains to certain people when showed to a group of my friends and I. Feeling moved and inspired, I decided to write a series of poems based on the struggles of others. Here is a link to the music video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpE73PvU9bk the song is talking about a girl who lies to her school mates because she doesn't want her mother (and abuser) to be taken away because she loves her despite her cruelty. If you have anything to say about the song, how it moved you please respond every voice counts. I have a few more songs that are fitting very well into this topic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLwwy-g2wkc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NlT-ELVWk0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlXlUgHUc60
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0aW1CQslDk

I encourage everyone to watch and listen closely, think about these songs and their meanings. These songs may say how you feel, felt, or possibly what you might feel. I can't guarantee a happy ending, but I can guarantee that no matter what there will always be people like me, and the others posting here. You will NEVER be alone.  

[Irational_Angel]

MemorysGalleySlave

Well, I'd have to say, you are strong. Of course, I can never say that I know what you went through, it would be an insult to you. But I can say this, you're a strong person. To be able to talk about what you went through on a place that exposes you to an area with such a massive population. Not only that, you are still around. Personally, I would love to meet you. Hell, I would love to be your friend. Also, I would love to know the real you, not as what you call "so and so's etc", but as a fellow Storm rider (A term I came up with for people such as myself and anyone else who have gone through massive suffering with an over active inner thinking).

Anyways, about myself. I'm 18, male, and I am a storm rider. I didn't start off with a bad start, hell, I admit some would envy me, if you could envy a 1-4 year old child. Anyways, I learned the basics, family love, money, the wanting of toys and so on. However, when I turned 5, I moved in with my mother. I met her other boy friend, whom I thought was great. Hell, since my dad was never around, I looked at him as the man I wanted to be, as my hero, as my father.

Afterwards, my mother and him got married and took me with them in a house he had bought. I told my first lie, and my mother was on me in an instant. She was religious, got me to believe in Christianity. Then started my step-father's abuse. God, he made me miserable. He would beat me for no reason, he would beat me with any reason he could find. He judged me to the standards of an adult, so as a 5 year old child, you can imagine how badly I failed at that. He would damage me physically and emotionally. Constantly hammered in me how much of an idiot I was. I was so busy surviving his abuse that my grades never were pretty. He used my grades to prove my intelligence. I remember his first blow. I can say this, it was never the physical act that hit me the hardest, it was the fact that a man I saw as my hero, a man who I saw as a father had the will and anger to destroy me. I still don't believe in heroes today.

My mother worked late every night. My step-father said it was because I was such a horrible child that she never wanted to see my face. I never believed him. My family felt helpless, if they called child support, I and my half brother would be sent to an orphanage, so no one in my family ever helped me. I viewed my mother as my last sanctuary, you know, a person you could depend on. She was eventually driven mad since my grades were so horrible, so she drove me to a parking lot near a bank, demanded I get out of the van and I did. She slammed the door and drove away, leaving me in that parking lot. I was 7-8 years old. Trust and dependency died that day. The child took another deep stab.

Ever since then, children and people have always tormented me. Called me an idiot, weak, pathetic, etc. I was also only known as, "Adrian's big brother" never by my name. All I was was a shadow, or as my step-father lovingly called me, a cockroach that no one wants but just never dies.

If you knew me, you would see a person put together by scars. If you knew me, you would see a person facinated by the art of murder, because the me inside is scared, devastated. If you knew me, you would see me as shadow strider, the person who remained in the dark to protect others. I guard the ones I care about by moving in the dark. The things most people are afraid to face, I linger and protect them from. All the things that people can't face, i.e. suffering, I take ten fold for them. If you knew me, you would see a child under this shell of an adult, a child who's afraid of being alone, but is, a child who wants to feel the warmth of others, but is ashamed of himself, and ashamed to let the warmth touch him.

And you call me strong, let me tell you I didn't get through it alone. I always had people to rely on which is more than others had. Probably a good thing, my biggest phobia is being alone. With no one to talk to or to listen to, I'd either die or kill myself. I'm trying my best to change my image from over reacting, angry, cry baby to a happy, joyful, and active young woman. Status updates not there yet, but on my way. Being ridiculed for my past is one thing I can never escape, and I still haven't forgiven myself. For someone who is so imperfect, I'm pretty judgmental myself, but I'm changing that. Remember NEVER LOOSE HOPE!!!!  

[MemorysGalleySlave]

Angel, No one is a sad, angry, or cry baby person. No such thing exists. There are only people who are sad, angry at the time. Things will not stay the same. As for a cry baby, there is nothing wrong. It takes strength to not show people your tears, but even more to show them your time of weakness.
You may have a hard time with it as I do, to look in that mirror and love what you see. But know this, you have more strength than any other b*****d who dwarfs or hates your intellect, because you are facing exactly what the shadows, the dark is meant for others, to truly be. There, you will find truths about yourself, and the monsters that people claim are actually aspects of themselves they are afraid to face. Yet you can walk to the mirror, look at it's reflection, disspite your hate, still look at it.

Elektro, I give you kudos for your strength that I lacked. Your violent side isn't a bad thing, hell, you should embrace it. You broke someone's arm for one of your friends, that isn't a sign of a "bad" person or whatever s**t people fling your way. That's a sign of a person who wants companionship and will guard it to their dying breath. That's strength, especially when facing the authorities. Again, I give you kudos. Stay strong my friend, you will always belong to me. ^_^  

[Irational_Angel]

MemorysGalleySlave

Angel, No one is a sad, angry, or cry baby person. No such thing exists. There are only people who are sad, angry at the time. Things will not stay the same. As for a cry baby, there is nothing wrong. It takes strength to not show people your tears, but even more to show them your time of weakness.
You may have a hard time with it as I do, to look in that mirror and love what you see. But know this, you have more strength than any other b*****d who dwarfs or hates your intellect, because you are facing exactly what the shadows, the dark is meant for others, to truly be. There, you will find truths about yourself, and the monsters that people claim are actually aspects of themselves they are afraid to face. Yet you can walk to the mirror, look at it's reflection, disspite your hate, still look at it.

Elektro, I give you kudos for your strength that I lacked. Your violent side isn't a bad thing, hell, you should embrace it. You broke someone's arm for one of your friends, that isn't a sign of a "bad" person or whatever s**t people fling your way. That's a sign of a person who wants companionship and will guard it to their dying breath. That's strength, especially when facing the authorities. Again, I give you kudos. Stay strong my friend, you will always belong to me. ^_^

I must say, you have to be the kindest person on here ever!! Thank you, because it's people like you that give others hope, others like me. I've recently fallen back into my past doing things I shouldn't, but I know I can stop if people like you keep doing what you do. I state again I can't promise a change in your life, but I can promise a change in your character. When going through hard times you feel angry, and hurt, but afterwords you may not notice, but you have gained a strength that no force can reckon with (please excuse my southern reference, it's a habit ^_^). I can't tell you how much you have impacted some peoples lives, one of those people being me.  

[Elektro7]

If I showed any weakness, it was just another weapon they could use against me. If I cared about anything, they'd be sure to take it away. They finally found the last thing I did care about-- My friend, and that was one thing I was never going to let them take.


It's really nice to know that I can share something this secret and important about myself openly, and recieve responses of such understanding and kindness.  

[HazyKoala]

I love that show.
Well, here goes nothing. It's not as bad as most things people have been through.
If you really knew me, you know I've been struggling with my self-image since 6th grade. I was told I was obese and needed to lose weight in 6th grade. I lost all the weight I needed to, but I still felt the urge to be even thinner. I starved myself, and my mom caught me; I stopped for a year.
Then, in eighth grade, I stepped on a scale again. My doctors told me I was a healthy weight, but I didn't listen to them. I starved myself again.
If you really, really knew me, you know that seventh grade brought the criticism of boys into the light, and made my views on my face, hair, and clothes become increasingly negative. It reached its peak in the middle of eighth grade when I was dumped by a younger guy and scared off another guy. I blamed it on myself, and nearly committed suicide until I realized what I was doing.
Now you'd know that my self-image is improving. For the first time since fourth grade, I've looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, I AM beautiful!" My boyfriend respects and loves who I am inside and out, and it's made my life so much better.
That's my story. It's not that tragic, but it's what's happened in my life and kept inside me since sixth grade. I'm afraid to tell my friends or family because I know they'd worry and try to intervene. That's why I feel like a rotten person sometimes- for keeping a secret from my mom, a big one at that.  

[MemorysGalleySlave]

Grace the Spiffy One

I love that show.
Well, here goes nothing. It's not as bad as most things people have been through.
If you really knew me, you know I've been struggling with my self-image since 6th grade. I was told I was obese and needed to lose weight in 6th grade. I lost all the weight I needed to, but I still felt the urge to be even thinner. I starved myself, and my mom caught me; I stopped for a year.
Then, in eighth grade, I stepped on a scale again. My doctors told me I was a healthy weight, but I didn't listen to them. I starved myself again.
If you really, really knew me, you know that seventh grade brought the criticism of boys into the light, and made my views on my face, hair, and clothes become increasingly negative. It reached its peak in the middle of eighth grade when I was dumped by a younger guy and scared off another guy. I blamed it on myself, and nearly committed suicide until I realized what I was doing.
Now you'd know that my self-image is improving. For the first time since fourth grade, I've looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, I AM beautiful!" My boyfriend respects and loves who I am inside and out, and it's made my life so much better.
That's my story. It's not that tragic, but it's what's happened in my life and kept inside me since sixth grade. I'm afraid to tell my friends or family because I know they'd worry and try to intervene. That's why I feel like a rotten person sometimes- for keeping a secret from my mom, a big one at that.

Oi! Shadow strider! It's not a crime to hide secrets from others. Hell, you have taken a step in a world I well know. Listen, you have a strength that either your friends or your mother or both may not understand. You can take filth and make beauty, serve clean water from a filthy cup. You take on the mask of the dark, begin to see what the dark reveals to you, and learn to protect others from it. Shadow strider, you have slowly taken one step into that world, which means you possess that type of strength.
Trust me, keeping secrets from others may seem negative from others, but that means you have a sleeping strength that can see such things others are afraid to glance at.
As for your appearance, to hell what others' say. If you truly want to understand how you view yourself, sit in the silence, clear your mind, and let your emotions speak to you, not your words. Find what you like and what you don't like, weigh both, and make your decision with a full heart. If it ends up bad or good, know that regardless, you will find content in a decision you made, and that, that is beauty others' are too blind to see.

Got something for you, a quote that makes me think of you. The pearl is always made from the ugly oyster.
People can't see the beauty you possess, because they can only see the shell. Remember, dispite the good or the bad harpies of speech attack you, only you will truly know who you are. May the Night Angels walk with you, may the shadows welcome you.  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

Wow, reading these stories is really touching. I'm amazed at how brave everyone is on here for telling the truth. My life has definitely never been so brutal yet I don't think I could publicly talk about some of the things that have damaged me. I just have to say that these stories have really helped me understand not to take another person for granted. You never know what someone has been through until you've lived it. I think you are all very brave and strong for speaking out.

So here goes nothing.

When I was a child, everything was perfect. I was popular at school, I always had high grades, I was a kind kid and great at art so despite some teasing I wasn't really bullied. I had a large amazing family, cousins, aunts and uncles that I adored.

A while after I turned seven, everything changed. I didn't find out until recently why but my family broke away. I stopped seeing all my aunts and uncles and cousins. No one would tell me anything that happened. There were so many secrets and I felt as though no one would trust me with anything. I missed them so much. I salvaged some of the photos my mom tried to hide away and I would hide them in my books by my bed and look at them every night before bed. I still keep a few even now in my desk that I pull out to remember them by. I felt as though it was all my fault as most young children do. So when my parents began to fight so after I did everything I could as a seven year old to hold my family together. I took the screaming, I took the blame even when it wasn't mine, I did everything I could to make sure nothing else would break. I found out that life doesn't work out that way. Although my parents have stayed together, at the time their fighting just got worse as they began to resent each other. My brother spiraled into a deep depression and I myself was barely holding on. I began to get picked on horribly at school. I was once stuffed in a locker, they broke my glasses, threw my clothes in the toliet during gym. Children are such sweet jerks. The final straw for being picked on was when the boys joined in. they didn't do things like girls. It was sexual harrasment and abuse. The last straw for me was when a boy tried to feel me up during class. I pushed him away but no one did a thing, not my friends, not my teacher. No one. Important lesson learned. When you want something done. Do it yourself.

So by the time I got to highschool I had absolutely no self-esteem, friends that teased me and a belief that I was worthless. A few people who got to know me called it the "glass wall." A show of happiness and a fun personality. But one who never revealed anything about herself. Soon I ditched my old friends and started dating. My home life was still filled with fighting, and instead of fixing it, it just drove the wedge in deeper until I started rebelling. The good grades I had were flushed down the toilet. I would lie and cheat to get out of trouble. I'm REALLY not proud of the person I was. I even began picking on some of the girls who were mean to me. I made one fail a class, another cry and run to the bathroom. Things like that until they left myself and my friends alone. I also didn't realize how pretty I was. I dating a few guys here and there, but my first really serious boyfriend was a guy who well... wasn't very nice. He could charm and pretend but I've learned well since then that he will fake it and use you for what he needs or wants.

My mom and I began fighting horribly. Some of the things we've said to each other you can't put behind you. My mom once told me that she was disappointed that I was her child, because I was just a liar and took no responsibility. Another time she told me there would be no point in me going to university or her paying for it because I would just drop out anyways. She asked me how low my self-esteem had to be to date some of the guys I was with, but she never asked me why it was all happening. I stopped speaking to my family for the most part and couldn't speak with my mom unless it was to ask for a ride, and that was only when I couldn't find someone to walk with me (dad's rule, not allowed to walk alone at night) Because of her constant put downs I almost commited suicide. I still have the note, I keep it to remind myself to never be that stupid ever again. I was lucky. My mom had a rare moment where she turned around after one of our fights and she came to me and apologized, telling me that she loved me and meant nothing of what she said.

When I started dating this one guy, my parents finally caught up on my grades. I was grounded for two years. TWO YEARS! lol- I still laugh about it. No computer time except for school on week days, one hour of msn a night on weekends, ten minutes on the phone a day, only able to go out on weekends, and only after a three month probation period. Yah. Fun. Funny thing is I don't blame them either. They actually helped.

Well this guy, lets call him W, he began to show me how my family used me and mistreated me. He listened to me and promised to protect me and damn did I fall hard. We dated for two years, in that two years he cheated on me twice, first with a friend, the second with my best friend, this is only what I know of. He continuously made me feel guilty for not having sex (one thing I am glad I never gave in for) and would constantly put me down if I ever went against him. He was manipulative, emotionally and psychological abusive. The worst one was when he was going away for a weekend to see my best friend. I didn't know at the time that they were planning on having sex that weekend but it was also the night of our semi. He cancelled our plans and left me crying on the doorstep. The kicker? He twisted it until the event was completely my fault. I was the one who went begging for forgiveness pleading and crying. Thankfully? A few weeks later I found out about everything and finally I had the balls to break up with him for good. Oh he used other tricks to try and get me back, the suicide one ended up working for a while until I started rebounding with a friend. When people in the school began finding out why we broke up he took a lot of heat for it. Rumors started going around and my group of friends split. The one half publicly humiliating me in a drama skit during class to prove it. When I began enjoying my single life, he began spreading false stories about me sexually around town- I'm from a very small town. Lucky for me, my mom began to patch things up with me as she slowly came to realize how her fighting with my dad had hurt my brother and I. Unlucky for him, my mom is a lioness and doesn't let anyone s**t on her kids.

So I thought that was the end of it. I went to university. I tried to put my family behind me and did some research into my family background only to find out that my grandfather and great grandfathers were both priests and were sexual abusive to children. My family broke up because my aunts and uncles jumped in on the will by making sure the police dropped the investigation. My mother was trying to protect my brother and I. My parents were fighting because they both have screwed up pasts and never dealt with them. So I began to try and fix myself. So far I have a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends here in school that will support me in anything and a family despite being completely dysfunctional will fight through thick and thin to protect each other.

The only person who is ******** that up is my ex. This past winter he raped my best friend. And he got away with it because she didn't want to go to the police and doesn't see it as a big deal. She thinks its her fault. To top it off when he found out that I knew about it, he began to spread more lies around about me in town. He throws it in my face and because my best friend is incabable of dealing with anything, he is able to do it again if he so desires. I saw him in town on Canada day, it took everything I had and a few people holding me back not to rip him to shreds. So despite learning to be independent, self-reliant and protective of the people you care about, they are all still friends with him after what he did to my best friend even though everyone knows the truth. So yah. Thats what I'm trying to work out now. I want to protect my friends and they refuse to protect themselves. I don't know how to deal with it, and I have lost so much respect for so many people in town that I have this biting anger that hasn't left since. I just can't understand how someone can be okay hanging out with a man who raped their friend.

So yah. Whew thats my rant. Gotta love this crap.  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

I believe we make our destinies and our lives are up to us. No matter what horrible, brutal things a person has gone through we can turn them around when we have the chance and we can make our lives better. We can use our knowledge about the world to change it for others as well, and be there for them when bad things happen to them. Because no matter what s**t we face, there are things no one can take away, that is our inner strength to move on even when we think we have none. Whether its through abuse, anorexia, bullying, low-self esteem or just a broken family. We keep walking.

PS, Angel- don't ever hate being smart. Being beautiful isn't worth much. You can be beautiful and gorgeous, but without the interior you would be nothing more then a shell. Its the inside that counts. When you put down the mirror and the scale and you start to love yourself for you, then it shines through, and soon you and others will see yourself for that, and you won't just feel beautiful, but you'll look it as well. That intelligence, that ability to think and dream off, that will do you well one day. Embrace your quirks, the only reason a person has for making fun of a quirk, is if they are jealous of it. You can change your appearance, but you can't change your brain.

Elektro- Kudos, I would have done the EXACT same thing in your position. Being strong and loyal to your friends are good qualities, you should be proud of yourself for defending a friend.

Memories- I really hope you never believed a thing that man said to you, from what I've seen from you, you are worth more then that, and you are more then a shadow as well. Believe me, when you have as much impact on someone as you did with me reading your story, you become a person who is capable of doing some amazing things. Don't let the idea of heroes die because of one dispicable man. One day maybe you'll see it, in yourself not only are you your own hero, but one day you'll be someone else's hero too.

Grace - I'm glad you finally see yourself as beautiful. smile Because I'm sure you are.  

[MemorysGalleySlave]

Lady_Conspiracy

I believe we make our destinies and our lives are up to us. No matter what horrible, brutal things a person has gone through we can turn them around when we have the chance and we can make our lives better. We can use our knowledge about the world to change it for others as well, and be there for them when bad things happen to them. Because no matter what s**t we face, there are things no one can take away, that is our inner strength to move on even when we think we have none. Whether its through abuse, anorexia, bullying, low-self esteem or just a broken family. We keep walking.

PS, Angel- don't ever hate being smart. Being beautiful isn't worth much. You can be beautiful and gorgeous, but without the interior you would be nothing more then a shell. Its the inside that counts. When you put down the mirror and the scale and you start to love yourself for you, then it shines through, and soon you and others will see yourself for that, and you won't just feel beautiful, but you'll look it as well. That intelligence, that ability to think and dream off, that will do you well one day. Embrace your quirks, the only reason a person has for making fun of a quirk, is if they are jealous of it. You can change your appearance, but you can't change your brain.

Elektro- Kudos, I would have done the EXACT same thing in your position. Being strong and loyal to your friends are good qualities, you should be proud of yourself for defending a friend.

Memories- I really hope you never believed a thing that man said to you, from what I've seen from you, you are worth more then that, and you are more then a shadow as well. Believe me, when you have as much impact on someone as you did with me reading your story, you become a person who is capable of doing some amazing things. Don't let the idea of heroes die because of one dispicable man. One day maybe you'll see it, in yourself not only are you your own hero, but one day you'll be someone else's hero too.

Grace - I'm glad you finally see yourself as beautiful. smile Because I'm sure you are.

God damn you, being able to make me cry and laugh at the same time. Thanks, I've never been one to love myself completely. You're talking to a man who being called moral nearly brings me to tears.
I have 8 sibblings, all younger than me. I've always looked out for them since they were babies, even though they were in different states. Even my oldest sibbling, one who I was never able to meet until last year, I've protected. I've been so used to allowing the dark seep into my viens, allowed my violence to reign it's full strength just to protect them. I had bottled my pain from them, my rage from them, and my envy towards them. I envied every child who was able to run through the play grounds and jump with joy when their loved ones came. My rage has been my own fear, for even though my step father was never right about me, his voice became mine. Hell, I nearly killed another child because of an intellegence remark about counting (only a fraction of 8 years worth of a vicious life). I remember losing control of the world, my eyes clouded, and only a primal sound came from me. I grabbed that child, pinned him to the ground and strangled him, watched him gasp for air in my hands, seeing all of my protective instincts switched to murder, my thumbs closing his windpipe, and having no remorse. No one held me back, because they couldn't. I was pushed to the monster I feared. Luckily, something inside me screamed to stop, and when I regained control, I wept. My step father would always lash out on me for no reason, here I nearly killed someone for a counting insult. I felt that I proved my step father wrong, I'm not a cockroach, I'm a filthy, unintellectual, beast in a child's skin. My rage had become stronger than his. It took him all of his anger to make sure I had scars from my beatings, it took a fraction of my anger to bring another close to death's doors. This primal side I have held close, not because it gives me strength, but because it can protect my sibblings. I took the path of the dark, a Shadow Strider, to protect those who couldn't face the dark to protect them from it. I became something others hated to protect them from what they hated.
So, I say damn you, damn you for being right. My sibblings, I'm their hero. You bring tears to this child who has lived too long in the dark to remember what it means to be a hero, to be human. Thank you.

As for you, know this, just because you think you don't have such a brutal past doesn't mean it isn't. No one starts off hallow, no one starts off in the dark. You know lost, you know pain, you know suffering, you know what it is to see others suffer and your yearning to protect anyone who harms the ones you care for. Your friend who was raped, I have to say, it's a good thing you haven't fallen to my level. When you look into someone's eyes, even that rapist for example, and you hold their life in your hands, you will see if you can kill or not. Anyways, I can tell you this, have no mercy towards those who do evil and enjoy it. If the man who raped your friend enjoyed it, I would not shed a tear for him, but for you and your friend instead, because that man caused pain to only you and your friend. May the Night Angels walk with you, and my they greet you with loving arms.  

[BugxNicole]

I feel really bad and this will sound like I'm a complete creeper, but this is my new account, my old on got hacked and the password was changed aahh it sucks but I promise it will never happen again, I feel stupid but it's okay I wanted to start new anyway. So whatever. But to the point I had some things I'd like to say just to make things clear. I've been lying to everyone. So here it goes telling the truth. I'm 12 years old. I know it seems stupid to lie about that but I've been bashed on before for being young, but my days of immaturity and crazy stupidity are over, I swear I will never lie to you guys again!! It's just that, even people in real life don't take my past seriously because they don't think anyone that young could have a past like mine, or could have possibly done those things. I had my innocence taken away by words, not by hands. Sure I joke about my past just to keep from crying when I think about it. Being exposed to such things at the age of 6 years old ruined my life. Since then I've been involved with sex and anger and fear. I hate it  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

Yah, the first part of growing up is loving yourself for who you are despite what anyone says about you, that includes age. 12 years old or not people mature at different times. I have stories from friends and family that would probably make each of us here run home to our families and pray that we get stuck with them for life. s**t happens at all ages. Don't put yourself down because your young. Take it from me. I'm almost 20 and just figuring things out now. Every year you begin to think differently. The amount of change you go through starting at 12 and ending at 20 is HUGE! You can't even comprehend it till its over and your like "WHAAAT? I'm different? When the hell did this happen? I think most my friends are douches? What?" You can't get back into the same mindset. Its weird as hell.

So don't lie about yourself next time. If someone tells you your too young to understand, tell them to suck it.