It will be a long night, I think to myself as I place the back of my paw over young Ndale's forehead. He is burning up, yet it is far to soon to give him anymore feverfew. He is not an adult yet, for all he thinks he is, and another dose so close to the first could do more harm then good. If he weighed closer to a full grown male...I would consider it, but the disease has left him thin, far too thin. Pursing my lips, I take a deep breath, and tuck the edges of the spring buck pelt Sliabh brought home last time more closely around him.
Silabh...I close my eyes against the familiar ache thoughts of him bring, Where are you beloved? Ndale is so very sick. He needs you...I need you. The thought of having to give the young lion to the Secret Keepers without his calm and gentle nature beside me makes the pain in my chest tighten. I will have to buy him..us, and Ndale a little more time, somehow. Tomorrow I will go to the Master Apothecary, perhaps between the two of us, we may come up with something. I can hope.
Opening my eyes, I gaze down on Ndale, and gently push some of his new mane back out of his eyes, we may not have always gotten along and his crabby demeanor could be off putting at times, but he was still the child of my heart, as he was Sliabh's. Seeing him this way tore at the part of me that was simply Eva, and not a Master Healer or a Royal of a Pride cursed by such a sickness. I knew the worry showed on my face, but I was to worn to try and hide it behind my 'healer's mask'.
“ Eva, you need to rest,” a gentle, but insistent voice comes from behind me and I know its Janel. As fussy as I am with Nawiri, she is with me. For a moment I am irritated and almost tell her I will rest when I am damn good and ready to..but stop myself as a chuckle tries to escape. The irony, I wonder if Nawiri ever wants to say the same thing to me. Yes, I must be tired.. for I find that the trickle of amusement still tickling my throat, and I struggle not to let it slip past. Merely nodding, I turn toward her.
“ You are right Janel, will you please watch him for a little while?” I asked quietly, not wishing to wake the cubs. I've surprised her, her expressive golden eyes widening, the arguments she was going to present me with fading on her lips, for some reason I find this amusing also. Gods above, there is no [i'must be', I am tired. Tired of all the struggling, of all the death, of the hopelessness...and of being so very lonely. If it were not for Nawiri and the cubs I would have nothing more then my work. Was I always this way?I can't remember.
“Of course I will,” she answers back in her sweet voice, moving to his other side, careful not to wake Haruma and Faraa who are laying beside their brother like sentinels. Guarding him the only way siblings know how. I remember doing so with Nawiri, truth is, I still do sometimes. If Ndale succumbs to the illness, what will they do? Will they blame me for losing him? Will I blame myself? What good is a Master Healer if they can not save one cub just becoming a male?
“Eva, go..I will send Benti to get you if he gets worse.” I'd all but forgotten the little avian that usually was tucked up in the healer's bag she wore over her shoulder. “ Where will you be, so I can send him directly?”Janel asks as she settles herself down to watch the boy.
“ Beo's Bench,” I find myself answering automatically. It is high up, above the dens, a small meadow he often takes the cubs to. Though its not that that makes me answer such, no it is the view from there and its solace that does. You can see for endless miles, and tonight I want to see the horizon and the stars. They are as close to Silabh as I can be right now, at least we can share the same night sky and gaze up into the same stars. I don't let my thoughts take me to where he is...or with who. It is just one burden to many for me to bare as just me. Janel nods, and I take my leave.
The climb is easy if you are well, the trail a gentle incline, and it takes me only a few minutes to crest the top. My small effort is rewarded as my eyes drink in the sight. Its silent here, the sounds from below unable to reach. It becomes its own world, a peaceful place. Tonight I need that peace. Walking to the edge, I sit down and let my gaze wander.
I've never regretted anything in my life, not really. I've done my best at every task or duty given to me, and I have stayed beside my beloved sister, but now staring out across the night, I know I have one. I should have told Silabh how I felt long ago, I should not have waited. It was foolish of me, and a mistake. I'd always thought we'd have time. We both were not ill. I contented myself with seeing him daily around the Pride, told myself that I had to see my promise to my mother through, to care for my sister, to help her become a good Queen. I had to become a Master Healer, to help the Pride. I had to learn, to understand, I let all my other passions rule me, save for the one I should have.
Blinking back the wetness on my lashes, I swallowed past the pain in my heart. When Nawiri charged him with this duty, I knew I had run out of the endless time. I did the only thing I could think of, and I told him. Now..now there could be another, one he was with right now. A lioness who was not so driven, who did not have so much responsibility. A lioness who could just be herself, as I could not just be Eva. Please, do not let it be so...
Closing my eyes, I whisper to the wind, hoping the Gods have compassion and carry my prayers to him somehow.
“ I miss you so very much beloved. Please, come home. Ndale needs you, the girls need you....I need you. Please come home to us Silabh...come home to me.”
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