She'd lost her first patient.
It hurt more than she'd ever thought it would. For a lioness who liked to yell and scream and carefully facilitate the impression that she didn't care... Ea cared. Possibly too much. Losing Nur'yu was like a swift punch in the gut and she was still trying to catch her breath. Still trying to figure out what had gone wrong.
It wasn't her fault. But it was her fault. If she had been more experienced, if she had been more prepared, if they'd had more water and more guards and more sense... but she didn't, and now she had a dead nephew. It made her twist with rage. Rage over everything. That she'd been trusted with this job, that there had been an attack, that Nur'yu hadn't fought back hard enough, that help hadn't come fast enough... it was just rage. Bitter.
It was funny how hollow the wards felt. Death always seemed to linger but it hadn't come. After Vlam, maybe she'd even felt like they could keep it at bay. It wasn't that lions didn't die in the Motoujamii... it just hadn't happened that one had died in her charge. No one had died needlessly yet, and with a potential war looming on the horizon... who was to say there wouldn't be more?
"I need to quit," she said suddenly, jolting up from where she had been resting. Her sudden spark of life startled Vlam, who had been resting silently on the other side of the room. He stared at her quietly, as though he wasn't exactly sure what she was talking about. If maybe he was still lost in some thought of his own.
Although they had no way of direct communication, Ea and the scarred fellow had something of an understanding. The understanding was that Ea talked, and Vlam generally agreed with her. But sometimes, the large fellow managed to get a word in without saying anything. He craned his head slowly to the side, shaking it. No.
"No, this is ridiculous," Ea said. "I'm not a doctor, and I never have been. I don't know why people seem to think I have some sort of miraculous powers. I don't know anything more than anyone else who has worked here in the wards, and for all I know I'm just playing mad alchemist with roots and random attempts at medicine. Let them find someone else who can do this. How am I supposed to look Azar in the eyes after this?"
Vlam furrowed his brow, and rose from where he was seated. Affection was a rarity between them, mostly because of the wild cat's volatile temper. Even now, he approached Ea like one might approach a bomb. Carefully evaluating each step, looking for any change or reaction. When she didn't move, he simply settled down beside her. He leaned slightly, enough to unseat her.
Ea growled in warning. "I'm not joking. They have to find someone else. I'm not cut out for this, I'm not a real doctor. We should have... we should have outsourced. Worked out some arrangement with another group, brought in a real medic."
The white lion looked up at her curiously, as though he only half understood the words she was saying. There were no words to tell her that there was no one else. That she was needed. So instead, he lay his head on his paws and closed his eyes. Anyone else might have read it as bordem. Ea knew it simply meant he disagreed.
Not that it set her at ease. She leaned back against her mate's large frame, mulling over the week's events in her mind. "I just didn't want to lose that one." It felt wrong, like fate had mixed itself up. That they were now on some sort of divergent, wrong story that was never meant to happen. Sometimes Ea had dreams that felt so real they could have been mistaken for it. They'd given her an edge at times. They warned her of troubles, of things she'd have to look out for. This felt like one of those dreams. Except it wasn't ending, and in reality, nothing had warned her this time. They'd been attacked, and now she was down a patient.
The black lioness sighed. It didn't seem fair that she had to shoulder this. But it wasn't exactly fair that Nur'yu had to die either. It felt helpless, but she didn't have an alternative. There were several medics in training, and the last thing they needed was to know their boss barely knew what she was doing. There was no one to dump the burden on, no one to blame. Just Ea. Ea didn't like that. She'd never liked responsibility.
What if it had been one of her kids? Kiowaa? Someone? That stung. Could she save them if they'd been hurt? "I am worried about what will happen if we go to war," she said flatly. "I'm a firekin sure enough but this fighting isn't a game."
Vlam opened his eyes and rested his head on the dip of her shoulders. Unlike Ea, the big brute was less concerned with thoughts of war. It seemed about time the pride had a conflict- although he knew that Ea was thinking more on who would manage all the injuries. There had been attempts to introduce some general first aid into all of the ranks... but that only went so far. Any serious injuries would have to come here. They had room for a handful, but not as much as a large scale conflict might create. Although neither of the two had been around for the rebellion, they'd heard stories sure enough of the recovery that had taken after the war. It wasn't something that simply happened over night.
"Its just...this isn't going to be easy," Ea continued. "And I get the feeling this won't be the last patient we lose." Was that a failure on her part? Who shouldered the blame when someone died? Surely she couldn't save everyone but... the prospect of losing even one was troubling. It brought up too many what ifs and should haves.
He didn't have the words to say that she'd learn. But Ea was smart, and he didn't doubt she'd figure it out in time.
