♡ The Diary of an Angel ♡ - Psykfall

[mahou prince]

Hello. My name is Psykfall but you can call me Angel.
Or Noah. Or Stephie. Or Hobbit. Or Merry. And I have too
many nicknames.

This is a place where I put thoughts in to words and can
express myself in one way or another. An angel needs her
space, right? For the wings, I mean.

Feel free to comment and what ever! <3

 

[mahou prince]

July 26 2012, Thursday

I'm alone. Well, not all alone, but my boyfriend's not here. Myuu~~ But hopefully he'll come here tomorrow or on Saturday. I like to have time alone but after a while it gets kinda boring. The good thing about not having him around is that I can concentrate a bit on what I eat. Or more, what I don't eat. The thing is, I'm trying to lose the 7kgs I gained from going to a new town to go to school. I was quite happy with my weight then and I looked OK since I lost some weight. But then, after about 7 months there, I realized I've gained a lot of weight and it didn't get better. I kept on gaining and now I'm here. Miserable and unhappy with my weight. I feel ugly and fat and I just want to hide under a rock. I mean, I fought for 6 months to lose those kgs I lost then and all that for nothing! I just feel so...disgusted. Yeah. I disgust myself.

So now when my boyfriends not here, I try to watch what I eat even though it's barely nothing. I'm constantly hungry but I tell myself not to eat since I'll gain weight if I do. I know it's not good for me. I've done this before. Starving myself to lose weight. I... Urgh. I don't know. I try to count calories but things always screw up during dinner (and I just had a slight heart attack thanks to a spider on my bed...) when I don't know how much I'm eating, how many calories there are and how much I can eat to be "safe". I kinda do this in secret since I don't want my family to know I'm trying to lose weight. I will at least try to tell my boyfriend. He knows how I feel but tells me I'm not fat and anything. Urgh... I just want to feel pretty.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

July 26 2012, Thursday

I'm alone. Well, not all alone, but my boyfriend's not here. Myuu~~ But hopefully he'll come here tomorrow or on Saturday. I like to have time alone but after a while it gets kinda boring. The good thing about not having him around is that I can concentrate a bit on what I eat. Or more, what I don't eat. The thing is, I'm trying to lose the 7kgs I gained from going to a new town to go to school. I was quite happy with my weight then and I looked OK since I lost some weight. But then, after about 7 months there, I realized I've gained a lot of weight and it didn't get better. I kept on gaining and now I'm here. Miserable and unhappy with my weight. I feel ugly and fat and I just want to hide under a rock. I mean, I fought for 6 months to lose those kgs I lost then and all that for nothing! I just feel so...disgusted. Yeah. I disgust myself.

So now when my boyfriends not here, I try to watch what I eat even though it's barely nothing. I'm constantly hungry but I tell myself not to eat since I'll gain weight if I do. I know it's not good for me. I've done this before. Starving myself to lose weight. I... Urgh. I don't know. I try to count calories but things always screw up during dinner (and I just had a slight heart attack thanks to a spider on my bed...) when I don't know how much I'm eating, how many calories there are and how much I can eat to be "safe". I kinda do this in secret since I don't want my family to know I'm trying to lose weight. I will at least try to tell my boyfriend. He knows how I feel but tells me I'm not fat and anything. Urgh... I just want to feel pretty.

You have an eating disorder and distorted self image, sweetheart. emotion_hug This post has all the red flags for it. emotion_hug ESPECIALLY because you're hiding trying to lose weight from your family. This tells me they know you have a problem. They care. emotion_hug You're lucky they do.

Try to get some sort of counseling, and a visit to a doctor. The doctor will tell you if you really do need to lose weight. Trust the doctor. Whether you do or don't need to lose any weight, the counseling will help you deal with the self-hate that's oozing out of you onto the page. emotion_hug Unless you're the spawn of Satan, there's no reason for feeling that way. emotion_hug


Seriously, counseling did me a world of good. You'll see why in my journal here.  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

Eating disorder... I've been thinking of that from time to time and wondered if I had one but always put that thought away. "I can't have an eating disorder or anything like that" has been my thought. But... Yeah, I guess I have some kind of ED. sweatdrop

As far as I know, I'm not the spawn of Satan. x) But I've been thinking about going to a psychologist thingy to talk about other things, but I might as well bring this up as well. If I decide I want to talk to someone. I tend to deny I have problems and...yeah. sweatdrop

emotion_hug emotion_hug emotion_hug  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

emotion_hug emotion_bigheart emotion_hug emotion_bigheart emotion_hug

Well, that's what counselors and psychologists get paid for, to help us deal with problems. If you pretend nothing's wrong because of what you're afraid they might think, why bother going?

I swear, if i hadn't had help when I did, I might have ended up killing myself, I felt so miserable.  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

I'm just afraid they might think I'm an "attention whore" and doesn't have any "real" problems. :/

emotion_hug emotion_bigheart emotion_hug  

[mahou prince]

July 27 2012, Friday

Honey bunny sugar pop is coming here today <3 ... Yeah, my boyfriend of course. He's going to stay here for like...two weeks or something. Maybe. Hopefully. ... Heh~~ <3 And he's coming here an hour earlier than planned, so I need to find something nice to wear (since I have to go to town to meet him) and put some make up on and fix my hair. Urgh, I don't feel like going to town today. -insert sad face here- I don't feel pretty enough to let people see me. And I feel even more ugly and yucky since it's that time of the month. Still. Seems like it's never coming to an end! Just hope it ends soon so I can spend some "quality time" with my love. Ehehehe~~ -insert pervy smile here-

And scale down's a little bit. Yay <3 Hopefully it stays down even now that my boyfriend's coming here.

Still thinking about which bus I should take to get to town. Do I want to be there an hour before he comes, or like five minutes before he comes? Yes, this is a problem today.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

Gigi Deveraux

I'm just afraid they might think I'm an "attention whore" and doesn't have any "real" problems. :/

emotion_hug emotion_bigheart emotion_hug

Well, attention-whoring is a disorder, too! cat_rofl I think it's under the "narcissistic tendencies" sub-category cat_lol

Seriously, they can't help you if you don't talk to them. emotion_hug  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

Split the difference and make it 20 minutes cat_4laugh

You know, if you make the effort to dress well and put on makeup daily you'll start to feel better. I've started wearing makeup again, even if he's not going to be here.  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

I found something to wear and how to make my hair. cat_4laugh I was just stupid enough to put on a red lipstick. He doesn't like when I wear that. "I can't kiss you if you wear that...stuff on! D8" he always tells me. cat_rofl

Hm... Guess I'll have to try that. ^^  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

Gigi Deveraux

I found something to wear and how to make my hair. cat_4laugh I was just stupid enough to put on a red lipstick. He doesn't like when I wear that. "I can't kiss you if you wear that...stuff on! D8" he always tells me. cat_rofl

Hm... Guess I'll have to try that. ^^

Try smear-proof lipsticks, the ones that come with the base color and top coat. They won't come off at all, unless you eat something oily or greasy (this includes salad dressings so be aware). That way you can hanve your red and kiss him too cat_4laugh  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

Ooh~~ I need to find one of those then! Thanks! cat_4laugh emotion_bigheart  

[mahou prince]

July 30 2012, Monday

Honey bunny is here! <3 Even though I've been a bit moody and bitchy, we've still had a good time so far. But due to the female yucky thing we can't have as much "quality time", as we call it. But problem with is, my period is strange! It doesn't bleed like a regular period and I barely notice it. I only notice it when I go to the bathroom... Strange. But I hope it stops soon so that we- Yeah. -nervous scratching in head-

Right now, he's playing my fave game (one of them) - Castlevania: Lords of Shadow! I frikking LOVE Castlevania! If he finishes it, I might ask him to leave it here for me to play when he's not here. And speaking of Castlevania - I can't wait for the sequel of Lords of Shadow to come out! <3 It's said to be released some time in 2013. I'm really exited that a Belmont is actually Count Dracula!! I would never have guessed! Turned out to be a huge surprise to be honest.

I just finished watching Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Watched the whole series yesterday when we had nothing to do. It was actually quite good and I enjoyed watching it! I was a bit "WTF?!" when I watched the first episode when they first encountered a witch. It all seemed so..bizarre. But all in all, it was good! Now I'm watching Lucky Star. I have 14 episodes left as well as the OAV. Lately, I've been wanting to watch anime really bad. So after I'm done with Lucky Star, I'll watch Durarara. I downloaded it a year ago but I still haven't watched it.

Yeah, guess I'll just stop my rambling now. <3  

[mahou prince]

August 12 2012, Sunday

I have at least ten mosquito bites on different spots on my body. Legs, feet, arms - everywhere! I don't even know how I got them in the first place. Itches like hell but I know I'm not supposed to itch. -itches-

My boyfriend just went back home again. Now I don't know when we'll see each other again. He had the super smart bus/train card that he used so he could come to me for free. But that card only lasts until the 15th this month and he had to go home today instead of the 14th due to some meeting he has to attend. So... Yeah. Now I don't know what to do. We have decided that we won't live in my home town when we move together. We're going to live where he lives. So now he's going to try to get a job as fast as possible so he can start looking for apartments. I myself am going to look for something to do. I'm thinking of going back to school and get an education. Problem is just that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I only know that I want to study Japanese, but...where will Japanese language skills get me? Nowhere I suppose. So I have to find a three year long education that I want to attend. But... Yeah, I still don't know. Going to look at different universities and try to find something. Myuu~~

Well, now I'm going back to my beloved tablet for a while before dinner. Chu~~ <3  

[mahou prince]

August 16 2012, Thursday

I'm just going to whine a bit - I miss my boyfriend and I don't know when I can see him. I makes me sad. And I doesn't get better that he dreams about me and that I get killed in my the dreams and that makes him sad. ... I miss him.