Welcome to Gaia! ::

I’d be so curious to hear everyone’s story! Mine is a bit long- but I wanted to share it. If you want to share your story, go ahead and post! I’m always curious and wanting to read. 

All of my life I knew I was gay. I just knew it. It came naturally, women always seemed to be my first pick. But I fought it for a LONG time. I had a couple serious relationships with guys and when it came to sex... god- that was strange. It was hard to love someone but not to fully want to love them. Every relationship it was the same argument. "What is it about me that doesn't make you want me?" As if it were them.

In high school, I tried to come out to one of my (what I thought) close friends. I told her that women have always intrigued me. I wondered if she felt the same way. Her response, and I quote, "You don't look gay."

What?

There was a look? Was I missing this look? Ignorance is bliss, but being gullible isn’t. I believed her. Okay, so I wasn’t gay because I didn’t look like it. Which was true. I was too “fem”. I had makeup and hair, and I liked girly things, and I even had a girl-crush on Iron Man. This was normal, right?

Then I met my first girlfriend. She was CJ. And hell, she looked like a girl. She looked a lot how I looked. We both did our hair every morning, we had makeup (she stole most of mine!) and we had chemistry. There was something unspoken between us that just drew us together. We had fallen for each other- probably not deeply in love, but in this possibility that two humans, despite their sex, could have mutually felt this unspoken bond between. The problem? I couldn’t have her unless I came out. To everyone.

That was a hard thought. I adored this girl. She was my ideal girl, right? I’d do anything BUT that for her. I was scared- not because of my Mom. She’s a very accepting lady- but because of my grandparents who insist that my gay Aunt is just going through an inevitable “phase”. So, because I wanted this girl- I decided to start with my Aunt first.

My Aunt was pretty accepting about it- obviously. She didn’t really mind at all but insisted that something was in the gene pool. wink This definitely sparked my curiosity: Was me being gay a choice, or was I born this way? I personally can’t remember any point along time when I felt that I chose I wanted women over men. But that’s for a later debate.

Then I came out to my mom. I remember that night. I was up, so was she. She was in the kitchen getting some kind of late-night water when I just walked in. It was quiet for five minutes before I broke down and just simply said, “I’m gay”.

That followed another few moments of quietness before mom asked me, “Who’s the girl?” with her assuring smile. I cried. I don’t know why I did. Maybe it was because I felt relieved? I told her all about CJ and she was happy for me but said something else; “I just don’t want you having sleepovers with her, just as I wouldn’t want a straight daughter to sleep over a guy’s place.”

Which, in a mother’s point, it was very valid. I get it. But…

I liked the sleepovers.

So, in my defense, I went back into the closet. Claimed that it was all a phase the next day, that I didn’t mean any of it. Mom? She didn’t believe a word. But at least I kept my sleepovers.

After that, CJ and I just weren’t hitting it off. A few months went by where there was this disconnect. We had normal relationship problems and solving them wasn’t getting any easier. She had different likes, goals, and values. Not to mention she was FULLY, flaming out. I remember the first time her and I went to a gay club. I was shocked. Women freely kissing each other, dancing closely to one another, holding hands- a huge degree of ‘Oh s**t, I’m prude’ flushed over my cheeks.

But I had always been worried about what people thought. Other people’s thoughts were more potent than my own. I didn’t want anything to go wrong, and CJ and I just couldn’t agree with this. I understand her thoughts- she just wanted to be mine in public, not just behind closed doors. So we broke up after that struggle.

High school went on and there were the occasional hook-ups but no other serious girlfriends. I didn’t want to date girls- a part of me still wasn’t ready. I had a best friend who was male, who adored me for five whole years. He had this huge crush and so much support for me. He wanted me, and wanted to be with me. Everyone is supposed to marry their best friend, right? And I did love him. So- we started dating. We dated for two years. We were companions. Kissing him was okay because a part of me thought his lips reminded me of my ex (an F-ed up reason, but it worked!). The sex was horrible, and trying to get into the mood or wanting to do so was very difficult and often a struggle. I just remember wanting to do it because he wanted it, and I wanted to make him happy, and that was how couples functioned.

When we broke up, I was devastated. I still don’t know why. I think I really did love the man. We didn’t have that great of an intimate life, but we certainly had a much deeper, rooted connection. And all I remember is wanting that with a girl- craving that with a girl.

Almost a year went by. I wouldn’t say that I gave up dating women- I just wasn’t entirely looking. Sure, we’d go out and I’d meet someone for a night. We’d flirt, and then we wouldn’t hear a thing from one another ever again. It basically consisted of a lot of “one night wonders”. I was growing more comfortable with my sexuality as college had progressed through. I found a whole group of friends who accept it and have no problem or shame with me.

And once I finally came to accepting myself and my sexuality, I met my current girlfriend. She’s great, and when you get into a relationship where you just feel right- it’s the best thing that could ever happen. Fighting it was miserable, accepting it was difficult, but living it is natural.

Aww! smile I love fun coming-out stories. I'm glad she was accepting. <3