She looked so beautiful, lying there just like he had left her, curled up beneath the tree. He didn't want to go, didn't want to leave her, especially not like this. But a part of him was still tied to his homeland, to his family. And he knew she would never belong there. Hell, he didn't want her there. He knew there were males that let their females have more freedom than others. His mother had it, her mothers had that freedom. But it still wasn't enough. Ana deserved so much more than the world he'd grown up in.
Worse, if one of his brothers found out about her... He would kill someone before she belonged to another pad.
Badr's paw was ever so gentle as he brushed her lock out of her face. He remembered when they'd first met, she'd had a braid in it. When she had suddenly stopped wearing the braid, he'd asked her about it. She'd said it was just a piece of her upbringing that she was finally able to let go of. Honestly, he knew there was something more to it than that, but he'd never pressed her on the matter.
How could he leave her?
But he needed to. Gods knew he was going to hurt her, that this would hurt him just as much, if not more. He just hoped... maybe someday she'd learn to forgive him, that she'd maybe even grow to think about him the way he'd been with her. Did he love her? Probably. It was all he had to tell himself that it wasn't true, that he wasn't leaving the best thing in his world behind.
Badr swallowed slowly and crouched down, curling around her. Who was he kidding? She'd become his world and the only way to keep her safe was to let her go.
He stiffened when she moved in her sleep, his face drew back and he saw her eyes flutter, cloudy with sleep.
"B-dr?" His name was a murmured question, barely audible and not quite pronounced as it should be. But she was half-asleep, so he could forgive her that. If she hadn't been so far gone, she probably would have seen just how bitter his smile was as he brushed his paw into her mane again and cupped her cheek.
"Shhh, go back to sleep, habibti," he whispered and his heart broke as she smiled up at him and let her eyes slip closed once more. It was time to go, he needed to leave before she actually woke up and then he wouldn't be able to. Still, his eyes squeezed shut, his body unable to move. Not yet, just a few more moments.
He thought about the last place they had been to and a smile - a true, sad little smile - crossed his maw. He had promised her the sea, that they would one day go there and perhaps make a home. She had often remarked on how she liked warmth, but the desert was just too much, too barren for her to want to spend the rest of her life. If she could have seen his homeland, the lush forests and lake that went on beyond the eye. But he prayed she never would, at least not on the side of his home, not near his pride.
They had found a beautiful place, just on the edge of the grasslands with trees for shade and a watering hole nearby. It hadn't been majestic, strange, or even all that unique. But still she'd flopped down and stretched out, a smile on her face.
She could settle down in a place like that, she'd said. Badr hadn't really thought about it at the time, but in retrospect he could see it. He could easily picture her in a place like that, not grand or mysterious or hidden, just somewhere simple, quiet and comfortable.
He could see it in his mind, her lying in a patch of sunlight, surrounded by cubs that all looked like her. And nothing like him.
With a soft hiss, he finally drew away. Even in his own fantasies, he couldn't see himself at her side. Someday, she would find someone else, someone who could make her happy, someone who was willing to let his family, his home go just for her. Whoever that male was, he wouldn't deserve her, no one deserved his habibti. Not even, or perhaps especially not him. But if he stayed by her side, if that male didn't break her heart like he was about to do, he'd be far more deserving of her than Badr ever could have been. And he knew what he was doing, he knew this would hurt her. There just didn't seem to be any other way.
"Please don't hate me forever," he whispered as he took a step back, away from her. He kept telling himself to walk away, to go before he lost his chance. Maybe that was what was going through his mind when he backtracked and pressed his cheek to hers one last time. A part of him wanted her to wake up, to make it so that he couldn't leave, since he'd be too much of a coward to turn his back on her while she stood there watching him. Convince me to stay, his heart begged, but his mind shook the thought away. Gods, he was such an a*****e.
Badr finally pulled away for the last time and turned from her, slowly padding away. Such an a*****e, he wasn't even saying goodbye.
Still, he paused when he started to climb a nearby hill, taking one last look at her over his shoulder.
"I love you, habibti." The words nearly choked him as they lodged in his throat. Badr's eyes closed for a moment, his ears set back. "I'm sorry, Anakaa..."
And with that he finally forced himself to turn away and break into a run, putting as much distance between the two of them as quickly as he could.
(WC: 1,007)