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I like telling stories, and I have a lot but I'll start with this one story I had from High School. But before we get into that... You need to know a little bit about me.
Alright so in HighSchool I'm one of the popular and smart kids, and I hang out with Angel, who's also popular and smart. We basically go around high school and prank people, and make everyone in school laugh.
Now focusing more on me... I'm a very good person who's easy to talk to. Why? Because I learned a few things like body language, which helped me get people to open up. No joke, I had a few people who look IMPOSSIBLE to talk to, yet I say a few hello's and BOOM I find out so much about them.
So this is a story about The Ghetto Dude...That Talks Too Much.....
THE STORY BEGAN
Just after a long day of flirting with girls, annoying teachers, and chilling with friends, me and Angel head outside the school to walk a few blocks before splitting up and heading home.
Across the street from afar I notice a short girl who I knew from high school, They call her DeeDee. It's not like I knew her real name, I just knew that she gave good hugs, and would always say hi to me and Angel when we pass by.
So DeeDee said hi when we walked by and I figured, why not kill time, so we said hi back and me and Angel take a detour to bother DeeDee, which is normal for us. We always bother girls, or other people for that matter, just to get people laughing and enjoying their day.
Then I notice this other, ghetto looking guy next to DeeDee. He has like a short sleeve shirt that looked like they were cut with scissors at home, his eyes were sharp and serious as hell. He didn't look happy, no smile, just a serious face that seriously can look like this "-_- "
I mean this kid looked annoyed. Let's just call him Straight Face for now ok?
So next to DeeDee is straight face, but StraightFace looks mad or something so I just turn back to DeeDee bothering her, so I'm like "Yo what's up?"
She answers and we talk for a bit about the school day. Angel is listening casually as DeeDee goes on about her day. Me on the other hand. I'm trying to focus on Dee Dee. But I keep glancing back at StraightFace from time to time.
This guy looks so angry, like a statue of anger in the form of a teenager, at Super Saiyan 2... Like it's NOT his final form.
This dude is starring off into the street with no reaction what's so ever to DeeDee, me or Angel. So I'm actually concerned at this point....
Like is this kid seeing something we don't see? Is he glancing at the street and seeing like an entire different dimension, where Space Pirates are like destroying the street! Is he like trying to give us a warning that we should stop our pointless conversations and start devising a plan to take care of the Space Pirates!?
Either way he didn't say anything. And it creeped me out. DeeDee was still talking about her day, and I just interrupted her. "Uh Dee Dee one second..." (Rude I know, My bad...)
I turn back to StraightFace. "Dude are you ok?"
I asked him that just incase I go to court and they ask me what did I do when StraightFace witnessed The Space Pirate Invasion I can answer.... "You're honor, I asked him if he was ok..." And be free from all charges.
Anyways, instead of StraightFace answering like a regular human being.... This kid just continues to stare off. Like he didn't even hear me. Angel and DeeDee catch on and just watch him in silence.
We didn't have no psychic powers but I think our minds were like. "WTF is with this KIID!? Why is he so quiet!? What is he looking at?"
THEN FINALLY.
StraightFace blinks! Proof that he is alive! This kid has a heartbeat, he is living and breathing!!!
So success on that!
But then StraightFace turns to me......ME out of all people.
Why not look at DeeDee? She's supposed to be your friend....?
Nope, Has to be me...Well damn...
What the hell does this kid want?
StraightFace turns to me and says.
"Oh Sorry, man. I was just dazed out..."
........
....
.....
.....
.......
.....
DAZED OUT? NO SHITTTTTTTTT!!!!
Dude you were looking at a street for like five minutes, with no signs of life.
We were Thirty Seconds away from calling 9-1-1, You would've been in an Emergency Room probably staring at a white ceiling!!!
So Yeah Bro....You kinda dazed out. Just a little bit......
Of course this was all playing out in my head. What I actually said to him was.
In a very calm and concerned manner.
"Well are you ok?"
....
...
...
..
..
This kid is like 18 years old, has no job, is hanging out with a girl named DeeDee who isn't really in that much of a better standing....I don't think "being ok" is even an option he can pick from.....
....
...
So StraightFace dude turns to me and says...
"Yeah man I'm good."
Which is good. I'm glad he's good. So this is where my mind is like "Hey let's say one little joke to get him smiling and then walk away and never speak of this encounter again....Cool? Ok...Cool.
So I then reply back. "oh good haha, Because you looked like you got hit from a bat or something."
Straightface started staring at me for a moment. GREAT he's back to DAZING OFF AGAIN!
Straightface then says. "Nah, Bro, No Lie, I did get hit by a bat."
.................................................................
Now there were a lot of things running through my head at that moment. One thing for sure, I wanted to laugh right there in front of his face.
But the Angel on my left Shoulder (See what I did there? Angel? Cuz he's my friend)
Well anyways....
Angel gave me this look like "Dude don't laugh" So I kept composure...
But I smiled back. And from just that....
Angel Knew....
He gave me this look like....
"Don't even think about it..."
But......I'm Eddy.....
I like to smile....
So.......I thought about it....
And I did IT!
I asked him the million dollar question.
"How did that happen?" I kept a straight face while saying it.
This was the one question that triggered StraightFace to turn into a Ghetto Guy That Talks WAAAAYYYY TOOOO MUCH.....
So I ask him.... How did that happen..?
And I'm just expecting a two sentence, like "Oh some dude just accidently flung a bat at me..." or maybe a "Well I kinda ran into a bat, my bad"
And then end of conversation.
WHAT HE REALLY SAID was...
"Yo It's those stupid Fake Puerto Ricans"
wait wait whatt?!!?!?!?!
Fake Puerto Ricans? That's a thing...?
He didn't even ANSWER what happened, He just blamed a race that's apparently fake so is it really a race?
Did he think about his response?
Was he like staring at the street making sure that if anyone asked him, why he got hit by a bat that his exact reply would be "Those stupid fake Puerto Ricans!"
But hey. The best way to keep something funny, is to not interrupt, and just accept it...
So I go.
"Did they hit you with a bat?" Straight face looked at me like he was personally offended. Like that question was just off limits......
He goes.
"Nahhh. They don't know how to play. You know when you pitching and you practicing for baseball??? Well I was freaking playing catch with my boy, tossing the ball and catching you know, MADD SIMPLE"
Damn this guy had a history, and filed like a complaint against Fake Puerto Ricans, and the incident happened apparently yesterday at 6pm in the park...
"IT's MAD simPLE and this Stupid Puerto Rican..." (Wait I thought they were fake, now they are stupid? Which one? Is it both? Is it synonymous????
His story has so much mystery, I need to find out more....)
"This stupid Puerto Rican has a bat, and he's trying to swing, THIS IDIOT let's go of the bat." STRAIGHT FACE has the only angry face. His eyes were like "I can't believe what this kid just did." His straight face was like "Look at this stupid kid...."
And I figured.... Let's do StraightFace the courtesy of having a friend who will support his story. So rather than dismiss the conversation. I reacted with a.
"Wow man. That's Kinda stupid...."
StraightFace gave me the only nod of confirmation. Like "yeah Man, finally someone who understands him. Fake Puerto Ricans tryn'a mess up our baseball game like who does that."
So StraightFace nods and he let's me know the details.
"Those Stupid Puerto Ricans."
He keeps saying stupid... Like I think I get it? The puerto ricans in this story are stupid....?
If he said "Puerto Ricans" I wouldn't get lost in the story like stop him and be like....
Whoah whoah whoah!!! StraightFace, are these the stupid puerto ricans or the other ones?! come on man! I need to know who's who? Stop confusing me!!!
So yeah, he's like
"Those Stupid Puerto Ricans playing catch mad improper. Like I hate that s**t."
I smile, and nod with StraighFace and reply "Me too man, That pisses me off"
(Mind you I don't even play baseball at all)
But I gotta sell my argument, Make sure StraightFace knows that I'm a veteran when it comes to complaining about Fake Puerto Ricans (Wait Fake or Stupid?)
anyways.
I tell StraightFace "Nah I hate it, cuz they always complain and stuff when we playing games... It gets me TIGHT." And I shake my head when i say tight, just to really get across that I don't really like these guys.
(but in truth I love the puerto ricans, they are funny and not at all stupid.)
and StraightFace like lightens up. He like see's a new person who he can finally connect to.
"I KNOW RIGHT!!!" Straight Face says. In my head I'm laughing, this guy REALLLY think's I'm being serious.
I look at Angel and he's giving me a nervous. "Just stop man..." Mentally..
DeeDee......I don't know what DeeDee is doing....Is she like listening in on this stupid conversation???
Why am I even talking to StraightFace?? And then I thought....
Does that mean if I didn't talk to StraightFace, he'd just be staring off at the street like supressing all this anger he has against Fake Puerto Ricans, and Stupid ones? Did I like help him reveal his secret?
Did he get something off his chest?
Was this a Ghetto Therapy Session hosted by Eddy?
Anyways...
StraightFace keeps telling me more stories.
"Like I know one time, I'm playing with them, In Basketball, and I'm just driblling, and outta nowhere, The dude calls foul, and all I did was brush his shoulders."
"WHAT? You brushed his shoulders?" I acted so amazed.
(I need an oscar nomination)
STRAIGHT FACE nods. "Yeah man, All I did was like brush his shoulders like this....
He used me as an example and like bumped into my shoulders.
In my head, I'm so serious thinking like......
.....
.....
did he really just give me an example of what brushing onto someone's shoulder is like?
Like did I go my entire life never knowing what it might feel like if someone accidently brushed my shoulder?
Is that like one of life's new found mysteries???
Is this something that requires an example?
Like if someone says... "Yo yesterday I was talking to Kally and I sneezed on her.."
does that person have to be like "Oh and incase you don't know what a sneeze is.... This is what I did." And sneeze on the person listening to the story.
LIKE STRAIGHTFACE. I KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT!
We didn't need a real life demonstration!
We coulda completely skipped the reenactment...
but instead I'm like.
"Why would he call foul......If he brushed against your shoulders??? Like.....I wouldn't call foul..." I say. I then turn to Angel who's been quiet but listening to the conversation laughing in his head.
."Would you call foul?" I tell angel.
Angel shakes his head like "I wouldn't call foul."
"Me either man, that's stupid." I say to reconfirm so StraightFace knows, I'm the real deal. That' I've been through the struggle.
and StraightFace nods and turns to me and says.
"Those stupid Puerto Ricans."
And now I'm thinking in my head.
Like....
Hey what makes them so stupid?
Are they really that bad????
Cuz I go to high school, and I've seen some stupid people.....
I know a lot of smart puerto ricans....So based on your accusations, I really wanna know.
Are these stupid Puerto Ricans....Or are you just a Stupid Person?
But that's none of my business.... At this point I'm just letting the conversation run....All I'm doing is nodded, saying "Yeah..."
Cuz honestly I don't care about StraightFace. I don't care about his problems with Stupid Puerto Ricans, while he's playing catch, or them calling foul while he's playing basketball.
The only thing I care about. IS why did I even bother to walk to DeeDee and say hi...? Where did I go wrong???
Why didn't we just wave and kept walking?
Why did I even ask him what was wrong!?
Why did I EVEN play along with the fact that he was right...?
And why is this kid still talking to mE!!!!
While I'm thinking in my head, he's literally talking about how he practices to play baseball everyday, and something always happens that gets him tight.
He gets injured from stupid Puerto Ricans, Stupid Pitches, Stupid Law's of Gravity..
Like this dude is complaining......and complaining...
He looks like a gangster, stereotype dude that runs around and beats people up for their lunch money.
But he's standing right here outside, staring into the street complaining to some idiot from high school who he doesn't know and 2 other friends about his personal problems with baseball.
I think there's bigger things he should worry about. This guy doesn't look like he's passing ELA with his style of vocabulary, or gym for that matter....
I mean what if the entire gym room is filled Fake Puerto Ricans and the Gym Teacher is like
THE KING of FAKE PUERTO RICANS. He can like summon 50 Puerto Ricans that call foul when you brush their shoulder and throws bats at you when you practice baseball.
But anyways yeah...
This guy is talking forever and ever....
bringing up so many stories and I'm bored just nodding away..
In my head I'm like "Stop talking....Stop talking..."
The only thing that caught my attention in his thousand chains of war stories was this one statement StraightFace said.....with a straight face.
"Yo bro... You know I got hit in the eye by a baseball...?"
Now first of all, I don't know why I didn't laugh. I wanted to but I didn't...
I couldn't let this moment slip by. I needed to ask the million dollar question...
In my most calmest and serene, casual voice I said.
"how did that happen?"
StraightFace gives me the look like his eyes were about to activate Mangekyou sharingan...
He goes.
"Those Puerto Ricans." (WAIT HOLD UP? These Puerto Ricans are JUST PUERTO RICANS?)
They aren't stupid?
Are these Puerto Ricans smarter than the previously encountered Puerto Ricans...?
Or did he forget to mention that they were stupid?
I'm now lost in the story, but I can't let that stop the flow of this story....
So.........
What did these Puerto Ricans do? Why did he get hit in the eye? Why StraightFace!?!?!?!
Did that Baseball to the eye force you to daze off when in the middle of the street?
Are you reminiscing the good times you had before you got hit in the eye by Puerto Ricans?
So StraightFace goes....
"Yo I was with my girlfriend teaching her how to bat?"
Part of me wanted to ask... "Was she Puerto Rican?" But I kept that to myself....
So yeah he's teaching his girlfriend how to bat, sounds legit and cool.
"But while I'm teaching her how to bat, These Puerto Ricans are playing catch... I tell them to move, but they start complaining and don't move So whatever right." Straight Face says.
"Yeah Man." I nod.
"So I'm teaching her how to swing cuz she's a lefty and their playing catch. Sometimes the ball comes to our side.... So I take the ball and toss it back, and tell them to watch out because they might hit us. I don't want to get hit..."
(Lol let's see how that works out for you)
"So I help her with her swing, and then outta nowhere, I notice the ball flying straight towards My Girl"
I gave out a simple but completely brotherly concerned "Oh no man"
he was like "Yeah Man, The ball was gunna hurt her."
"Oh no."
"Yup.. she was gunna get hit"
"What'd you do?"
StraightFace looks at me with his eyes. I could tell which eye got hit too lol, the left one...
StraightFace says.. "I ran in front of her and got hit by the ball instead of her. It hit me in the eye...."
At that point I was like "whoah whoah what!?!?" in my mind.
This dude had enough time to run infront of her and just watch the ball hit him in the eye?
Isn't this dude like always practicing baseball?
Couldn't he have pulled her away from the falling ball?
Couldn't he have caught the ball himself?
I guess what I'm saying is...
It's cool that he had time to say "Man I gotta protect my girl..."
But why didn't he come up with a better strategy.
His thought process is like.....
Damn looks like my girls about to get hit.....Hm....
Let me sacrifice my eye to save her.
I kept the straightest face ever, and Straight Face looked at me like he was telling me 'Bro thanks for understanding that I did the right thing'.
This kid did the wrong thing... Really, sacrifice you're eye out of all things?
My eye is too sensitive to act like a shield for ANYTHING in life....
Like if I wanted to appear like a badass in front of someone I'd be like "Yo punch me in the face man I won't flinch.."
But you would never hear anyone say. "Hey try punching me in the eye."
That's a mistake in itself.
That's like trying to deliberately mess up one eye....
I'mma have to walk in class looking like Kakashi all day, and explain the story of how I ended up with One eye.
Too many jokes within that anyway. If the kids play I-Spy, guess who's the laughing stock of the world?
OR if we are in court and everyone says "I" because they are in favor. What if someone points at my eye instead.
Or what if I need to get glasses? Or am I going to need to get glass? lol??
Anyways...
He goes...
"So yeah I got hit in the eye"
As if it's like normal for that to happen to people....
So I'm trying to be nice and end the conversation.
"wow she must be a lucky girl to have you then." I say, I'm just trying to be nice....
StraightFace looks at me. He frowns.
"We're not together no more."
In my head. WHOOOAAAH WHATTT?? You're telling me you sacrificed your eye for this girl and she didn't even care? She like just broke up after awhile...
DAAMMNNNN...
Sucks to be you man....
Stupid Puerto Ricans are messing up your sports, your face, your eye, your social life, now relationships... Damn. Just forfeit.
I actually started feeling bad for this guy. He started talking more about how his girlfriend wasn't all that and he was glad they separated..
If you ask me, he's just mad because his eye got broken and she's all good. She probably ditched him for a guy with glasses just for irony.
She's living good, while this guy is out on the street staring off into space with his eye half visible. (or half empty?)
He keeps talking about his regrets with that girl. I think DeeDee is still just standing on the side. Angel and I are like bored out of my mind. We are looking each other and just feel like.... Damn...We need some way to leave this conversation.....
So then StraightFace turns to us. He looks around scanning the streets once more and StraightFace turns to me and says.
"Yo Bro I gotta go."
GOD EXISTS !!!!!!!
The spirits, the gods have answered my calling!!!! YESSSS I'M FREE FROM THIS torture of conversation!!!!!!
I nod and say "iight bro." In my coolest ghetto swag attitude.
We give each other the most gangster handshake of respect to eachother.
StraightFace is like "Catch you later."
and I nod and then say "See you."
and StraightFace finally leaves, he walks away from that random sidewalk of the street holding us hostage in his boring stories that have nothing to do with Space Pirates....
I then notice DeeDee still exists and she's just there so she's like "Are you guys going to leave?"
I didn't have to turn to Angel, we were both thinking the same thing. "yes...." I answer. "We need to head home."
(which is funny because we were planning to head home like 40 minutes ago... Damn... don't talk to strangers am I right???
But no it's too fun talking, so never mind that)
DeeDee then is like "Aww..."
Aww? She thinks it's sad that we want to leave!? After all we've been through? Does she dare mock our time!?
"Yeah. See you." I'm all like casual, and we both hug her and then walk away.
As me and Angel walk away, Angel is like..
"Why the hell did he talk for so long."
and I'm like "I don't know, but all I asked was How did that happen...?"
So yeah guys....
That's the story about the ghetto guy who talks too much....
Thank god I never saw him again...
Oh my god....
On time was enough...
So let me know what you guys think? Any comments or critique is welcome!
And I look forward to reading more stories biggrin
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