[PRP] 30.12.182 Quarter for your thoughts (Kesarin&Lunathor)

[TawnyAngel]

"I've not seen Kesarin today, can you go take her something? She'll just sit there starving herself else."

Ah. Yeah. That sounded about right.

Lunathor was careful about what he put on the tray, he didn't know what the once-weyrwoman liked and so little bits of everything felt like a sound idea; lots of little bits of lots of things to tempt what appetite she might have, variety, and things that were easy to pick at. Some nuts, some dried fruit. Bread, which he cut carefully into bite-size chunks, alongside a dish of oil and vinegar for dipping. Some pieces of cheese. Cured meat, and some slices of smoked sausage. A small bowl of mixed vegetable stew and, seen as it was for Kesarin, he was allowed to put a couple of pinches of ground pepper into a tiny bowl for seasoning should she wish it. What else? Fruit, it was winter in the north but Ista's groves were verdant almost any time of the turn and so he acquired a precious sweet nectar fruit. For drinks he selected a small pitcher of klah and one of warm spiced cider, and that felt like more than enough.

This was going to be....

He hadn't really talked to anyone else who....

Mmh.

With Rukbat wrapped around his shoulders Lunathor made his way through the halls to Kesarin's quarters. Outside the door he paused, exhaled, straightened his knots with his free hand, and then knocked on the door.

"Um, Kesarin? I have food for you, may I come in please?" Well it was a start right?  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

The knock jolted Kesarin suddenly. How long had she been sat here? She'd been brushing her hair, trying to talk herself into going outside and then... and then... nothing. It had happened again. Jitter bolted upright, the fidgety little blue leaping off the dressing table and disappearing. Appearing outside the door he gave Lunathor a quick look up and down, lasting about one wing beat, before vanishing again.

Walking into her reception room, Kesarin pulled the curtain across to hide her sleeping quarters. "Um, just one second." Her steps quickened as she noticed the state of her living quarters. Blank parchment was hastily gathered into a pile and deposited in a drawer. Scrunched up and scribbled pieces swiftly swept into a wastebasket. Finally a single piece remained. Ink and tear stains marking the paper. Gently Kesarin picked it up, carrying it to a small wooden box on her desk, and carefully placing it among several similar documents. Other messes were given far less concern, gathered and thrown into a cupboard out of sight. The last thing she needed was someone letting word get out that her quarters were getting messy and people deciding to help her with that. They meant well, but she couldn't handle it.

Running a hand through her dull hair Kesarin took a deep breath and opened the door, just as Jitter settled onto her shoulders. "Sorry about that." A statement should naturally follow her apology, but when the time came nothing came out. Her mind went blank and only stalled more as the silence drew on. Shaff... Say something! Anything! "W-would you like to come in?" Was that right? Who even knew anymore?!  

[TawnyAngel]

The gap between the answer and the opening of the door was significant but Lunathor was patient, patient in general these days but moreso with somebody who was... Somebody who'd....

Somebody like him.

When the door opened Lunathor found a small smile, and Rukbat crooned a peaceful greeting. "Um, hello, no problem at all," Lunathor said with a little shake of his head. "I ah," he'd thought he was just bringing her the food but if she was offering? "Yes, thank you, if that's alright? Um. Your firelizard is lovely, what's his name? Mine's Rukbat." He nearly went on beyond that, nearly gave his own name, almost told her what it had been before, but none of that felt right here on the threshold.  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

The smile that was offered back to Lunathor was mechanical. The motion of someone who spent more time convincing people they were okay than actually being okay. A rehearsed action good enough to pacify those that were caring out of courtesy or were uncomfortable enough to accept things were fine.

The young man paused and it was only then that what she'd actually asked caught up with her. Her eyes glanced to the white candidate knot on his shoulder. Of course she would make him uncomfortable. Kesarin had been just about to excuse the poor man from having to spend time with her, when he accepted. Most likely she would have said he didn't have to if Lunathor hadn't provided another avenue of conversation.

"Oh, thank you, this is Jitter." The sharp-eyed blue cocked his head to the side and examined both newcomers. Eventually though food won out. Looking down at the tray the firelizard turned his head to Kesarin and let out a chittering sound. "Sorry." There was the faintest sliver of humour to the woman's tone as she spoken down at the blue. Eagerly the blue headbutted her in the face. "Here, let me," she said to Lunathor, taking the tray and crossing to the table. The tray had barely been set down before Jitter had hopped down and sat, tail wrapped around her legs, and eagerly padding his front feet.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Hello Jitter," Lunathor waggled his fingers in greeting and did a crinkle-nosed smile that tended to be especially convincing.... Why bother convincing Kesarin though? "Oh um, thanks," he went on, releasing the tray easily with a little nod and smoothing his freed hand back over his scruffily tied back hair - there had been something in her voice when she'd address her firelizard, not a lot, but something.

"I um, wasn't sure what you liked so I tried to get a bit of everything," he said as he pushed the door shut behind him followed Kesarin over to the table. "So uh, anything you don't like - well I like everything I put on so I can! I um, I tried to make it all easy and no fuss because...." Instead of actually saying helpful words he found himself just shrugging and making a vague gesture, the words were stuck somewhere in his throat right and it would take a few moments for them to come out again. They would though, he knew they would. It didn't stop him being frustrated with himself for such a stupid pause.  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

"Thank you, I appreciate it." She did. Food was one of the few things that Kesarin could handle people bringing to her. Mainly because there were kitchens dedicated to feeding the whole Weyr. It was easier to convince herself she wasn't being a nuisance if she could tell herself that they had just gathered together what was available for her. Thinking of someone making something specific for her was a far more stressful thought.

Sitting down Kesarin gestured to the seat across the small table. "Please sit-" She hadn't asked his name. She had no idea what his name was. Her eyes met Lunathor's and the distress was clearly there. She knew his firelizards name, but not his! "I-I'm sorry, I never asked your name." Now she felt bad not knowing his name. So many people knew her name and it always made her feel bad to not know theirs.  

[TawnyAngel]

Ah, shards, he should've given his name then she wouldn't be feeling awkward right now. Too late for that now but maybe he could explain? Sort of. "Oh, no, um, don't worry about it- it's," he gestured again and shrugged, "it's hard, to- I know. Um. That is. I mean." Shards, why was it still so hard to tell people who didn't know? Well maybe he knew why he found it hard to tell most actually, sort of, but Kesarin? Somebody who would understand?

Maybe because it was just hard in general, it was so hard.

"It's um," he cleared his throat, "it's Lunathor but... but for six months it was Lu'na. Um. His name was Raith." And now his throat was closing again and tears were starting to well up in his eyes but he smiled anyway, a far more genuine smile than the expression he'd put on at the door. "He was amazing."  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

It all clicked into place in that moment. Everything just slowed and slotted together so perfectly, it was a wonder she hadn't seen it before. Kesarin smiled in return. It was a sad smile, a moisture leaping to her own eyes, but it was real.

"I'm sure he was." There wasn't a doubt in her mind that Raith was wonderful.

Without thinking she closed the distance and pulled the other dragonless into a hug. Maybe it was forward. Maybe it was inappropriate. But there weren't words for this situation. No real way to express the kinship of two people who had lost everything. Lunathor was one of the few people who understood the profound loss that gnawed at her insides.  

[TawnyAngel]

When Kesarin pulled him into a tight embrace Lunathor let out a cracked laugh and wrapped his arms tightly around her in return. "Oh he was, the most amazing blue who ever lived. Malsalth must've been the same. I'm sorry I didn't ever get to meet her but I saw her - she was beautiful." Kesarin had been dealing with this for how long now? A turn and a half? Where had he been then? Working as he recalled, working and little else because working had been the only thing that did anything to ease the gnawing and scrabbling inside his head and heart.

The gnawing was still there now - he knew it always would be - but these days he could manage it, it was almost as though he could look over his shoulder at it and sigh and say 'you again?' He couldn't hate it though, couldn't wish it gone, because the void that Raith had left behind still held his shape and so in a way he loved it just as he had loved his blue, just as he loved him still.

"Do, um," Lunathor cleared his throat hard, he didn't know if this was the right thing to say because he hadn't had this kind of conversation before but he wanted to ask. "Do- Sorry. I don't know if this is inappropriate or- um. What was Malsalth favourite meal? I- I just... I like talking about Raith, sometimes. Some other times I don't so if you don't I understand that, and just tell me that - please - but I thought...." Did anyone ask about Malsalth? Probably not, probably they tried to skirt around the topic so as not to 'upset' her; people had done that to him with Raith but how could they think pretending he'd never existed would help?  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

"She was." Kesarin murmured. "She'd have loved you. She loved everyone." Even in her passing her thoughts had been of everyone else in the Weyr. Wanting to make sure they were taken care of. That her children would be cared for.

"Wherry," she answered without missing a beat. "Herdbeast were too big and it was inconsiderate to kill more than you wanted to eat." Kesarin smiled as she thought about the young gold. A dragon being concerned about the feelings of her food had struck her as so odd at the time, but it was one of the many things that she had adored about her peculiar, emotional, dragon.

"It's nice to talk about her. Not as the Weyr's gold, but... as my dragon." Not often did people talk to her about Malsalth, yet when they did it felt like they weren't really talking about her. More what she had represented. Her daughters. What she did for the Weyr. Not about who she was as a person. Kesarin would always love the dragons that were born from Malsalth and her daughters, but her dragon had been more than just a means for them to be born. Sometimes it felt like people forgot that. "What about Raith? What was his favourite?"  

[TawnyAngel]

"Really?" Lunathor leaned back so that he could see Kesarin's face, he was smiling warmly now despite the tears that had started to run down his cheeks. "She sounds so thoughtful, I bet she made sure her clutchmates ate before her when she was a weyrling. I um, at least I don't have to deal with people looking at me like some kind of symbol." Lunathor shrugged and rubbed at his eyes. "I'm sorry people forget that she was your bondmate before she was anything else, you both deserve to be- uh, yourselves?" He shrugged again as he said that, maybe it wasn't that well put but he hoped it was understood.

"Um," Lunathor cleared his throat again and smiled a distant smile, "Raith loved herdbeast, once they were hunting for themselves he and his two brothers used to share one between them. They carved it up really carefully; one of them loved the lungs, one the liver, and Raith liked the heart and kidneys. They um, they'd eat up the rest after that but- but that bit was like a special ritual between them." How long had it been since he'd talked about Raith, really talked? Too long, far too long.  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

Kesarin let out a sound that could almost have sounded like a laugh, maybe if the dampness, tears and short sniff were removed. "She did. Always looking after everyone else." Wiping at her eyes Kesarin gave Lunathor a shaky smile. "Thank you. It feels wrong to complain. Y'know, if it makes them feel better, but sometimes it feels like I'm a walking memorial." It was hard enough being Kesarin, formerly of Malsalth; let alone Kesarin former Junior Weyrwoman of Golden Malsalth.

"That's adorable," Kesarin said wiping it her eyes again and taking another shaking breath. A clatter caught her attention and she looked to the table. Jitter had attempted to creep onto the tray to pinch a piece of sausage, but in his haste he had trodden on the end of the plate. As a result he was frozen in his stretched out position, the morsel grasped in his tiny jaws.

"They help, don't they?" Kesarin said softly as she looked at the blue. It wasn't enough, but it was so much better than being alone.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Mmmh, well I can understand that," Lunathor said slowly, scratching at his ear and knitting his brows as he spoke. "I've um... I've been told though that you have to be a bit selfish sometimes. People expecting you to be what you used to be, or to become some kind of um- of ideal of- of what they expect I suppose is... well it doesn't help you and there isn't any schedule or anything like that and...." Lunathor stopped and laughed at himself. "Oh no, I'm going to end up with a career as a mindhealer, they've probably bothered you with all of that? Or, maybe not. If they haven't they probably will; be yourself, acknowledge yourself, but try to challenge yourself too to move forward. It's um, it's helpful, but it's a lot easier said than done. It-"

Lunathor's eyes swivelled to Jitter and then back to Kesarin, whereupon the corners of his eyes crinkled just a little bit with a smile.

"Yes. My Dad got me Rukbat's egg when I was um, present enough I suppose. It's nothing like," he shrugged, looked away, and then looked back, "but it's something, a little tether and- and for me it helped that he needed me. Being needed in general helps now actually, I like to work, I like to contribute; Raith wanted me to do that, to make a difference, to...." Lunathor paused for a moment and then gestured to his candidate knots. "Thread will come back in our lifetime," he muttered, eyes cast aside and voice wavering, "he wanted.... He wanted me to make a difference to the fight even though he couldn't. He asked me to Stand again."  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

Kesarin gave Lunathor a sad smile. She never had been good at that whole prioritising herself thing.

"D'lana gave me Jitter's egg." At the time it had seemed like such a strange gift. A month after her dragon was gone and they had delivered this life into her hands and asked her to care for it. Still angry parts of her had thought it was cruel. To make her responsible for someone else's wellbeing after everything that had happened. Then this panicky blue had appeared in her life. Entering the bubble she had created without any resistance. Attached himself to her despite all the broken parts and decided that he loved her. "I liked that he hadn't known me before..." Jitter couldn't look at her with pity. He didn't understand loss as a hatchling. For him Kesarin was sad so he comforted her, that was all he knew of the situation. There was no room for regret.

Kesarin looked at Lunathor's candidate knots and gave his shoulder a squeeze. It wasn't something she could consider doing. The idea of having another dragon in her mind just felt wrong. It had been suggested to her, but she just couldn't. Would she, if Malsalth had asked her to? Probably. She had only stayed because Malsalth wanted her to. Kesarin looked away from Lunathor, remembering what Malsalth had wanted for her. 'There is a world for you to see.' Yet here she was. What had she seen in these almost two turns but the same walls as the two before? A question arose that had so many times before and hurt just as much as it always did. Was this what Malsalth would have wanted for her?  

[TawnyAngel]

Lunathor returned the wan expression and shrugged helplessly. "It's what they say." If it was easy to do probably mindhealers wouldn't be needed.

As Kesarin spoke about her firelizard Lunathor watched the blue and his stolen treat, a small wry smile pulling at one corner of his mouth. "Yes," he agreed softly, "Rukbat didn't know the old me, only me as I was when he hatched, and he.... I know they'll bond to anyone who feeds them but it still meant a lot to me that he thought that person was worth loving. I gave him food, I gave him attention, and that was all he needed. So much easier than what people want from you."

A hand on his shoulder - Lunathor swallowed a thick lump in his throat and tried to blink away fresh tears. "Thank you." That squeeze meant far more than all the encouragement anyone else had given him, this was- this was- "I wondered if I was betraying him, even though he asked me to. Following through on what he wanted was harder than I ever thought anything could be. I mean I- how do you go on without them?" Lunathor's voice wavered with the question and gave Rukbat a scratch between the wings, to comfort himself rather than to show affection at that point. "Well, I've had just under four and a half turns to think about that and the answer still seems to waver around day by day.... so I suppose for now day by day is the answer. It doesn't hurt less than it ever did but I'm getting a lot better at dealing with that; I can do more, think more- that's different actually, there used to be this big cloud in my head that made it hard to focus on anything other than...." He didn't finish the sentence. "But that's been lifting, or I've got better at seeing through it. It- Oh I'm sorry, I'm rambling." Lunathor smiled apologetically and shrugged again. "It's just good to speak to somebody who understands; is it the same for you?"