[PRP] 30.12.182 Quarter for your thoughts (Kesarin&Lunathor)

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

"Exactly," she said as Jitter scuttled to the end of the table and began tearing little chunks off of his prize. "There's no awkward conversation. They want something, they ask." Instead of trying to probe information out of you, or acting all skittish and uncomfortable. "Then again, they're not the best place to go if you actually want a conversation." Jitter seemed to figure out that she was talking about him and turned his beady eyes to the pair, tongue darting out to lick his face. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't great for deep discussion.

Kesarin's smile was gentle in response. "It is. I feel like I don't have to pretend I've moved on." Sighing, the young woman took a seat, watching Jitter as he darted back for another morsel. "It's like a part of me hasn't accepted that she's gone. That one day she'll just come out of between again and everything will be alright. And even though I know that isn't going to happen, I can't help hoping for it. When they haven't bonded a dragon, they think it's like losing someone you love, but it's not, and there's no way to explain to them just how much it isn't that." The exhausted frustration in her voice was evident. Resting her elbows on the table Kesarin dragged her hands over her face. "It's a relief, having someone who actually understands instead of just saying they do." Even though if she could Kesarin would rather that nobody ever had to understand how she felt.  

[TawnyAngel]

"That's true, it does get a little one-sided," Lunathor agreed with a wry little quirk of a smile, giving Rukbat a scratch as he spoke and then a piece of sausage; the bronze warbled indistinctly around the gift and slithered down onto the table to consume it.

"And exactly- it's exactly that." How could you accept that? Lunathor sighed, shook his head and looked vaguely upward, he could almost imagine the sky above and Raith wheeling in it. "It just feels... it feels wrong that he's not there, a wrong I can't put into words. And it feels like I'm waiting all the time, you know? Waiting for him to come back." Lunathor watched as Kesarin dragged her hands down her face, she looked how he'd felt back then and how he still did sometimes. "It is," he said softly, "if you haven't.... Well, it's just not something other people can understand. They try to be helpful but they don't-" He shrugged and shook his head again.

"I've been trying to do less waiting," he went on after a short pause, "trying to get on, do things. It has got easier, um, the actual doing but still I...." He smiled sadly and focused on Kesarin again. "I can just imagine him reappearing right now and telling me it was all a mistake. I know he won't, but it's nice to fantasise sometimes. I think about the things I'd tell him if he was here now, how big he'd have grown, where we'd travel together... All the things that might have been - should have been."  

[The_Muffin_Puppy]

Jitter carefully side eyed Rukbat as the bronze ate his treat. Jitter wasn't used to other firelizards, or other people for that matter. Almost to demonstrate the point he made his way back to the tray. Catching a piece of bread in his maw, then a piece of sausage, a slice of meat, and a nut for good measure. Just so he was sure the bronze wouldn't take what he deemed to be his share. That would be bad. Jitter wouldn't like that. This over-filling of his mouth though meant that the blue had to awkwardly waddle away from the tray to enjoy his spoils.

Kesarin nodded, a sad smile on her face. She hadn't realised how cathartic having someone who she could just be honest with would be. "I suppose trying is better than not. I just get so... angry with them sometimes." Frustrated was probably a better word, but talking wasn't a strong point anymore. When they said they understood, or that it would get better, that time healed all wounds. Kesarin's absolute worst enemy of statements was 'Everything happened for a reason', like losing Malsalth could ever have a reason.

"Malsalth always wanted to travel." Kesarin looked down at her hands as she twisted her fingers together. "She was an adventurer at heart, but by the time she was old enough to leave the Weyr... Well..." Trailing off, the young woman frowned at her own hands. "She wanted me to travel," she said quietly, after a short pause. Probably the first time Kesarin had said it aloud. "It was one of the last things she said to me. ...And I'm still here." How could she go anywhere else? Where would she go? How could a broken, shadow of a person, who could barely remember to feed themselves, go anywhere else?  

[TawnyAngel]

Lunathor smiled a little as Jitter gathered up some bits of everything and toddled off with them with some difficulty. It did not occur to him at this point that Kesarin hadn't actually eaten any of it herself yet.

"It's... Yeah." He sighed and tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "I know they're trying to help but just about everything they say isn't helpful at all, or is the opposite. The number of times I've heard people say how strong I must be because they'd never go on without their dragon- I don't know," he shook his head, "it feels like they're saying... I don't know, that I don't love him as much as they love their dragon? Maybe that's stupid but-" He ended the sentence with a helpless shrug, it probably wasn't true but it was how it seemed sometimes.

As Kesarin started talking about Malsalth again Lunathor fell silent and watched with a sad ghost of a smile as she twisted her fingers. Too young, too soon. There was never a right time to lose your dragon but....

"It hasn't been that long for you yet," Lunathor said after a short pause, looking down at his own thin hands for a few moments before his green eyes flickered up to Kesarin's face again. "Learning to- or remembering to do all the every day things other people take for granted is... Well it takes a long time. Took me a long time. I don't always get it right still but um, yes. I've come a long way I suppose, looking back over my diaries. Habits and routines and," he shrugged again, "I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it- well it takes time. Once day to day things are easier to deal with, you can decide what to do from there."