Broken Hearted. (Um, eh, Comments?)

[Moth Wrangler]

It's not my first poem, but it is my most recent one. Comments and critisism welcome.


Maybe if I******cut my hair,
Maybe if I *wore what she wears...
****Maybe if I changed* my speach,****
And never told the *important mesage I preach.
***Maybe if I took *away what is me,***
***Then you *would finally see***
**What* we could be.**
**Should* be.**
*Won't* be,*
Ev*er.
**
*

 

[switchfootfan5]

Very deep. Whoever the poem is about is lucky to have such an intellegent, poetic person admiring them. However, I did find that the asterisks take away from the poems meaning and worth. You should continue with your poetry!  

[Kohy]

I like it really, very deep and heart felt, and I understand the use of the asterix but it put me off for a while as for a moment or two I thought they were used to hide words.

Otherwise, nicely written.  

[Moth Wrangler]

Thank you.
I like shape poems and such,
But I kind of suck at making them fit in the shape I want them in><;;
So I improvise.

Um,
And I kind of write alot of poetry.
It's in my journal.

 

[SolitaireAikanaro]

I adore it, and I completely agree with switchfoot. This poem is absolutely lovely; deep, short, wistful, and to the point. I really really adore it. Keep writing!