City

[Secularity]

[ Message temporarily off-line ]  

[Pup in Fluff]

I love it! It's a very interesting story.

A bit of constructive criticism:
-Don't put spaces in between paragraphs. I know gaia doesn't read the indenting but that's something that's important so you should maybe put three spaces in front of each new paragraph. I also think your sentances are a bit...bumpy. Even the first line:

"He was sitting at a local coffee shop, enjoying his daily black coffee."

You use two adjectives in there that slows it down a bit too much. Also, try not to overdue the comma usage. I used to have the same mistake of putting commas wherever there was to be a pause in the sentance.

May I have your permission to edit it? I won't change any of the sentances or anything; I'd just fix a few tiny gramatical errors.  

[Secularity]

Thanks! I appreciate the critiques. I can try to fix that up. Sure, you can edit it!

Another thing that may make it a bit more interesting:

I was listening to the Strapping Young Lad album, "City." All of the dialogue consists of lyrics from each song, in order from the first to last song. When you listen to the album with the story, it really makes it come more alive. It gives "Devy" a voice, and with that voice, spawns more personality.

I do have one question in particular: What did you think of the last paragraph where the city starts to "destroy itself?"

biggrin  

[Pup in Fluff]

I love the detail of it. Just the way you described it really made you feel what he felt and see what he saw. 3nodding  

[hapahaole]

eek Wow. It's very intense. I had trouble following in a few places, and I was really confused at the part where the clown is explaining Devy's past. Totally lost at what he was talking about, I thought he was talking really weird, but I guess that was because they're really song lyrics. Any line that lent to explaining personal motives, beliefs, and desires were totally lost on me. It might be because I was speed reading. But yeah, I was very confuzzled.