Stuff by me. Looking for and luv'n critisism!

[hapahaole]

Here's the deal, I didn't join the guild for a nice ego rub. I don't typically share my work with people with the expectation of getting loads of praise from it. In fact, the only time I shared my work with my friends is when I knew it would disturb them (they don't have the same tastes that I do). However, if there seems to be a high demand for it, I may start posting more. I absolutely love good hard critics. So, if you want to give me motivation to post more, rip it up!  

[hapahaole]

Here's a poem I wrote a few years ago. It's also posted in my journal.

PAST FEELING

Ruby red
The blood oozes out

What is life
It has lost its meaning

What is death
I feel nothing

I cannot hate
Nor love
Nor feel loss or pain

Neurons send chemical messages to my brain
Telling me my heart still beats
The blood still flows

But I am not alive
Not living

I watch the life seep out of my flesh

It tingles



Disclaimer: no, this is not how I feel. I rarely write poems about what I'm feeling at the time. I'm not suicidal, or even remotely close to a cutter.  

[Pup in Fluff]

I like it! It's so deep and passionate! You should definately post more of your poems and keep writing!  

[Secularity]

I would say: Yes! Do it!

It may take some time for response, but you'll get one.


I wouldn't necessarily just show my work to friends to disturb them, as I don't generally like to write "distrubing" work.

Whatever your tastes and works, post them! I'd love to read them.  

[hapahaole]

.Mr. .Disco.

I wouldn't necessarily just show my work to friends to disturb them, as I don't generally like to write "distrubing" work.

lol, well, they're the happy go lucky people that like a good happy ending. So if my writing is more on the sad side they throw a fit. It's kinda funny to watch actually.

Thanks for the comments, I may post more. Don't know if I should post old stuff, or actually force myself to write new stuff. My motivation hasn't really been up there, but we'll see.  

[Secularity]

hapahaole

.Mr. .Disco.

I wouldn't necessarily just show my work to friends to disturb them, as I don't generally like to write "distrubing" work.

lol, well, they're the happy go lucky people that like a good happy ending. So if my writing is more on the sad side they throw a fit. It's kinda funny to watch actually.

Thanks for the comments, I may post more. Don't know if I should post old stuff, or actually force myself to write new stuff. My motivation hasn't really been up there, but we'll see.

Well, I sometimes have to force myself to write something new, even if it's just a paragraph of meaningless thought processes. I like to keep writing. When I'm away from home, I keep a small moleskin notebook in my pocket to write down random ideas.

Just keep writing! I'm 100% active here, so I'll be sure to read anything ASAP!

If you're into a darker style of writing, check out the story I recently posted in the guild entitled, "City."  

[hapahaole]

Read it, commented. My writing's not that dark. I prefer realistic fiction. Think the french view of reality.

You're right, I should start writing more. Even if it sucks most of the time. The poem I posted here is one I did back when I had made a commitment to write at least on thing every day. I was dead tired and wanted to crawl into bed. I sat on my bedroom floor with a pencil and paper and just wanted to get it over with. "Ruby red" was the first thing to pop into my head so I wrote it down. Then I tried to think of something that was ruby red, and thought of blood. It just flowed out after that.

But yeah, don't forget, I love critisim!  

[hapahaole]

Here's a poem I wrote Saturday. I love the last stanza, but I'm not sure how well the poem itself really works.

What If Tears Were Solid?

Little drops of crystal
slowly sliding down the cheek.
Memorials of events within.

I could gather them
into the palm of my hand,
and study each smooth pebble.

Compare sizes and shapes.
Admire the way it bends
and plays with the light.

Such beauty,
in the hour of such sorrow.
Little pieces of the soul
seeping out,
proving it's still there.  

[Starlit-Chan]

I like your work. The second poem has the best idea in my opinion, try to develop it more  

[Scary Fairy v2]

hapahaole

Here's a poem I wrote Saturday. I love the last stanza, but I'm not sure how well the poem itself really works.

What If Tears Were Solid?

Little drops of crystal <- I don't like this metaphor for poetry. Its pretty cliche.
slowly sliding down the cheek.
Memorials of events within. <- This is a bit vague.

I could gather them
into the palm of my hand,
and study each smooth pebble. <- This is smooth. Nice.

Compare sizes and shapes. <- Maybe make this a one-liner? I think it'd pack more punch that way.
Admire the way it bends <- What is it? The pebbles? I'm pretty sure pebbles don't bend.
and plays with the light.

Such beauty,
in the hour of such sorrow. <- This line equals cliche. A downer compared to the meat of this poem.
Little pieces of the soul <- Use a metaphor for soul. It'd be prettier.
seeping out,
proving it's still there. <- Calm ending. I'm not sure if that's good or bad...

You have potential. Like everyone. But this poem didn't really let it out.

Edit it up, and it'll be really good.  

[Late White Rabbit]

Awesome work with the first one! 3nodding Deep, dark, and chilling. This heavy topic is relayed in a simple fashion, giving it a haunting feel.

I have yet to read the second one, however, I shall repost my views of it momentarily.  

[Late White Rabbit]

hapahaole

Here's a poem I wrote Saturday. I love the last stanza, but I'm not sure how well the poem itself really works.

What If Tears Were Solid?

Little drops of crystal
slowly sliding down the cheek.
Memorials of events within.

I could gather them
into the palm of my hand,
and study each smooth pebble.

Compare sizes and shapes.
Admire the way it bends
and plays with the light.

Such beauty,
in the hour of such sorrow.
Little pieces of the soul
seeping out,
proving it's still there.

Oooh! Very heavy emotion here! This one is also very well written. I like your style alot. 3nodding Nice beat to the poem too.  

[WildWildWindWhisperer]

hapahaole

Here's a poem I wrote a few years ago. It's also posted in my journal.

PAST FEELING

Ruby red
The blood oozes out

What is life
It has lost its meaning

What is death
I feel nothing

I cannot hate
Nor love
Nor feel loss or pain

Neurons send chemical messages to my brain
Telling me my heart still beats
The blood still flows

But I am not alive
Not living

I watch the life seep out of my flesh

It tingles



Disclaimer: no, this is not how I feel. I rarely write poems about what I'm feeling at the time. I'm not suicidal, or even remotely close to a cutter.

****

Hi!
You have a great gift.
You should write regularly.
Such a talent is to be shared..
Love it!
My novels are fileld with a darker 7 deeper emotion...much like this.

Thank you for sharing.
Later..
.............WindWhisperer wink  

[WildWildWindWhisperer]

hapahaole

Here's a poem I wrote Saturday. I love the last stanza, but I'm not sure how well the poem itself really works.

What If Tears Were Solid?

Little drops of crystal
slowly sliding down the cheek.
Memorials of events within.

I could gather them
into the palm of my hand,
and study each smooth pebble.

Compare sizes and shapes.
Admire the way it bends
and plays with the light.

Such beauty,
in the hour of such sorrow.
Little pieces of the soul
seeping out,
proving it's still there.

*********************************


Hi!

I adore the visual that this creates.
You have a knack of capturing the imagination and whisking a reader away. thank you for sharing.

Later.
.....WindWhjisperer wink

.  

[hapahaole]

Thanks so much for all the replies! You guys are awesome! heart

And thanks Write-Bot for the critics! heart one of these days I'm going to get around to fixing these up. One of these days. rolleyes