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| what do you think? |
| it's very good!! |
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27% |
[ 3 ] |
| it's okay |
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27% |
[ 3 ] |
| needs some work... |
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45% |
[ 5 ] |
| it sucked. |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 11 |
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 Posted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 4:33 am
this is my first poem that hasn't had "roses are red, violets are blue" at the beginning. please critique so i can get better.
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escape
flying out the window,
running out the door,
swimming in the ocean,
this and so much more.
tryin to escape,
pressures and concerns,
escape to an island,
never to return.
living in peace there,
till someone calls my name,
i'll go back to the faulty world,
where i'll never be the same.
people's opinions change,
they love and then they hate,
teasing till someone gets hurt,
it's all a part of fate.
so i'll go back to my land,
where people just don't care,
who wears what and how they look,
or the colors of your eyes and hair.
this is my land, called escape,
now you can have one to,
it's just a place where you feel safe,
no matter what you do.
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Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 8:00 pm
The poem itself is quite nice. I'd capitalize here and there, but otherwise, I like it. 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:52 am
I agree, I'd brush up on the capitallizations (not sure if that's spelt right), it makes the poem nicer to read.
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Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:28 pm
I would recommend trying to keep the same amount of syllables in each line. It's kind of hard to read if the lines get too long and directly after a long line is a short one. (specifically with the last stanza)
You also need to stick to your rhyme scheme in this poem. In the second stanza you have concerns at the end of the second line and at the end of the fourth line you have return. With these two lines you're using assonance (I think is the term) instead of sticking to the rhyme scheme that you use throughout the rest of the poem.
Great poem!
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Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 1:27 pm
I like it. ^_^ I agree with what has been posted before--you need capitalization. You should also think about how many syllables are in each line. Sometimes you change it up. It's alright to differ the syllable amount in the line every once in a while, but it normally depends on what parts of the words are stressed more and less.
Example:
Line A: 5
Line B: 6
Line C: 5
Line D:6
Repeat with each stanza.
Using a pattern helps with the flow of the whole poem. In free form, there's no need for patterns, rhythm, or rhyme but this poem would be beautiful with a cleaner pattern. Then again, it is the writer's decision to make. Other than that, the poem itself was great. I hope I was helpful.
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Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 3:38 pm
I like, but some of the rythm doesn't fit when you read it aloud.
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Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:10 pm
"Now you can have one, too,"
Is that right? Anyway, good, and I liked the use of "till" and "tryin." The syllables don't sound awkward, especially if read correctly. Well, maybe the fourth stanza a little. And is Escape an island or a land? Either one is fine, it just confused me a little when you changed it to a land.
Maybe you want to change all the verbs in the first two stanzas to -ing or -in' endings, including escape. Good job!
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:19 pm
I don't really know what to say. But I agree with all the stanza statements. I did enjoy it. Thank you for sharing 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:53 am
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