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| Needs work? |
| Yes |
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[ 7 ] |
| No |
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[ 5 ] |
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| Total Votes : 12 |
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 Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 8:52 pm
My biggest flaw is punctuation, but any kind of critique would be appreciated. <3
Flowers
Pop, dribble, run
Down white walls
Roses
Bloom, seep, stain
Across the floor
A fresh, fragrant coat upon his hands,
A delighted curl to his lips
He runs his hands under the cool water,
Watching the red swirl and taint
“Ahh.. beautiful Angela”
He trails his fingers across her cheek
Splitting black tears
Her gaze lay transfixed on him-
A piercing stare
The dizzying odor quenches a thirst in him.
He feels giddy
“How about a drink?
Would you mind?”
…
No reply
“Alright then.”
Pours himself a glass
Nibbles a sip-
Still warm…
But cheap,
Like plastic.
Common
…Trash
He slips a $100 note into her leather bodice
And heads out for a real-
Glass of wine
Something exotic and spicy this time
And leaves her there,
In the shadows
…Hanging on a rusting hook
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:11 pm
OH! THE IMAGE! Wonderfully Macabre! Bravo! cheese_whine Wine anyone?
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Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 12:15 pm
Wow, I thought that was really beautiful with really great imagery!
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 8:55 pm
Wow. Is all I can say. Its good though. smile
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Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:39 am
Thanks mrgreen
But any suggestions?
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Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 2:06 pm
Fantastic. But the quoting kind of threw me off. I don't know if it's just me, but I'd rather not see direct dialogue in any poem.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 3:02 pm
ah! a enjoyabley macabre poem indeed! very delighted to read such i delishesly sinster poem!
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Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 5:25 pm
That just gave me an image I do not need to see. whee
But in other words, freaky but good. 3nodding ]
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Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2006 10:47 pm
I like the very first verse and the fourth verse of the poem. They had a nice flow to them. I don't think the rest of the poem had such a nice flow to it, though. I think you should follow the same rhythm as these verses, and it would be like silk.
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Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 2:37 pm
Extemely beautiful. You are a fine poet; please make more!
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