alikor / 112358 / one of my poems

[-Xlll-SHINIGAMI-lllX-]

if there are gramatical errors please do tell but be kind, id like some thoughts on it but I'm getting sick rude people. I'm not emo either, ek sorry im just starting to rant he it is anyway i hope you all like it


matters of the heart it seems,

have left a bitter taste on my tounge,

this time there was no angle,

to guide me from the storm,

so crash i did on a sirens rocks,

and it has left me alone,

only left is the devil inside,

to burn away my soul,

i see it there grinning ever so,

and in its eyes a lie,

with all my good intentions,

that now have fallen like flies,  

[Sairus Illuminatus]

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[[-Carrot-]]

nice  

[Earyn]

Cool poem.

ninja ........ heart ........ cool

 

[Pyro490]

K... don't think me rude or anything, I'll just critique it XD... so yeah, the idea is pretty wicked, just a few structural things...

matters of the heart it seems,

have left a bitter taste on my tounge,

That was a slightly awkward transition in my eyes... and "seems" weakens the point... "matters of the heart have left..." would make it a metaphorical taste. yay metaphors! "seems" just makes it lees powerful... like... "This seems to taste like chocolate"... it sounds like you're unsure... as opposed to "it tastes like chocolate." You see the difference?

this time there was no angle,

to guide me from the storm,

so crash i did on a sirens rocks,

"This time" should probably be "that time" since it's not this time, since this implies present... and that implies a specific time but not this... but.. that... er... I hope you caught what I'm trying to say... and by "angle" I thinky uo mean "angel"... maybe...... and "crash I did" sounds... very unlike the rest of the poem...

and it has left me alone,

only left is the devil inside,

to burn away my soul,

i see it there grinning ever so,

and in its eyes a lie,

with all my good intentions,

that now have fallen like flies

See it there? where is there?... you could probably drop "there"

The last line's a bit cliched...

overall, nice start. Cheers - keep writing!  

[Father Benny Cake]

Pyro490

K... don't think me rude or anything, I'll just critique it XD... so yeah, the idea is pretty wicked, just a few structural things...

matters of the heart it seems,

have left a bitter taste on my tounge,

That was a slightly awkward transition in my eyes... and "seems" weakens the point... "matters of the heart have left..." would make it a metaphorical taste. yay metaphors! "seems" just makes it lees powerful... like... "This seems to taste like chocolate"... it sounds like you're unsure... as opposed to "it tastes like chocolate." You see the difference?

this time there was no angle,

to guide me from the storm,

so crash i did on a sirens rocks,

"This time" should probably be "that time" since it's not this time, since this implies present... and that implies a specific time but not this... but.. that... er... I hope you caught what I'm trying to say... and by "angle" I thinky uo mean "angel"... maybe...... and "crash I did" sounds... very unlike the rest of the poem...

and it has left me alone,

only left is the devil inside,

to burn away my soul,

i see it there grinning ever so,

and in its eyes a lie,

with all my good intentions,

that now have fallen like flies

See it there? where is there?... you could probably drop "there"

The last line's a bit cliched...

overall, nice start. Cheers - keep writing!

Some good points made there, overall a very nice poem although it does seem a little clichéd... keep writing!!!