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 Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 6:28 am
I'm not that good, so please cut me some slack sweatdrop . However honesty is appreciated.
My heart is lost within this fog
Can you help me to find it?
The cold hard rain is relentless
My heart of ice may shatter
Numbing me to your warmth
I feel so small my voice is lost
If you stumble on my heart
Please
Don't break it
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 1:10 pm
Awwww... That's so cute. biggrin I think you could make it a bit longer and still retain the atmosphere. Just keep your word choice 'innocent'. Remove the "to" in your second line and I think it'll flow better.
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 1:32 pm
LunaticBelle I'm not that good, so please cut me some slack sweatdrop . However honesty is appreciated. My heart is lost within this fog Can you help me to find it? The cold hard rain is relentless My heart of ice may shatter Numbing me to your warmth I feel so small my voice is lost If you stumble upon my heart While you wander through the storm Please Don't break it Don't worry about it, your poem is excellent. As long as you can feel some sort of emotion in a poem that's what counts. Anything can really be a poem.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:53 am
Thanks guys. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:55 am
Lord_Skyy Awwww... That's so cute. biggrin I think you could make it a bit longer and still retain the atmosphere. Just keep your word choice 'innocent'. Remove the "to" in your second line and I think it'll flow better. I knew I should have made it longer crying 4laugh . I just couldn't think of more lines after that. I was kind of sad and just started writing it. Then I got happier and the feeling was lost.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 8:36 pm
I liked the brevity of the piece. It was simplistic and sweet. I think you did great on it.
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Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 1:23 am
I edited it a little. The third line of the last stanza didn't fit the rythm of the rest of the poem.
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Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 11:22 am
I think it's quite a thoughtful little poem. It's short, I admit, but that's what makes it nice: it's simple, yet complicated at the same time. Nice touch.
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Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 8:43 pm
I think these should three separate poems. The imagery in the stanzas are too different. They feel separate. Not connected. They're fine poems, though.
Man. It must be frustrating when you can't think of what to say. I guess if you want longer poems, it is better to just spill your guts and hope for the best. Then you can edit. That way you won't lose good thoughts.
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