What do you think of this poem?

[Requiem Dare]

Okay, it's short, but that's because I wrote it for a competition that can't have more than eight lines, but I think I'll lengthen it later.

Golden rays of sunlight,
Filtering through the breeze,

Suddenly start to dance,
Stirred by a chilly breeze.

A doe looks up,
Fawn by her side,

If only people,
Could see through her eyes.


It's not that good, but I really only write poetry once a year for this competition and don't know much about it. sweatdrop Maybe I'm more a book person.  

[Adrianah]

You have great imagery. I can see the bright rays of sun filtering through the trees and seeming to dance as the wind blows the leaves overhead. I can see the soft brown doe look up... it's very nice.
I understand that poetry is about self-expression and may be punctuated pretty much however the author wants to do it, but I'd take out the commas where they aren't needed. For example:

"Golden rays of sunlight
Filtering through the breeze
Suddenly start to dance,
Stirred by a chilly breeze."
Also... breeze needs to be changed in one of its places. Try "Filtering through the trees..."

Despite my critisism, I really do like it! Good luck in your contest!  

[hippiepoet1964]

I liked your poem. It just seemed unfinished. The imagery was nice, though.
 

[rain-one]

I like it and mainly agree with Adrianah about the commas and the 'breeze' thing. What I would add is the suggestion to change out the word "suddenly" for something less common. It's not that important, though, as it still makes for a pretty and clear piece of poetry.

I like it! Well done.  

[Lord_Skyy]

I like your flow, it runs very smoothly. As mentioned by others, beautiful imagery. Short, simple, concise and strong. I tend to comment on flow alot. >.>  

[Requiem Dare]

Yeah, I had trees. sweatdrop I spaced off and put breeze. Thanks! biggrin The theme's supposed to be "The Beauty of God's Creation" though. Do you think it fits in that?  

[Noche Flor]

Adrianah

You have great imagery. I can see the bright rays of sun filtering through the trees and seeming to dance as the wind blows the leaves overhead. I can see the soft brown doe look up... it's very nice.
I understand that poetry is about self-expression and may be punctuated pretty much however the author wants to do it, but I'd take out the commas where they aren't needed. For example:

"Golden rays of sunlight
Filtering through the breeze
Suddenly start to dance,
Stirred by a chilly breeze."
Also... breeze needs to be changed in one of its places. Try "Filtering through the trees..."

Despite my critisism, I really do like it! Good luck in your contest!

I agree, although "Filtering through the trees..." isn't my favorite. Maybe you should try "Flittering 'round the trees..."  

[Requiem Dare]

What about "Filtering thrugh the leaves"?  

[MyOwnBestCritic]

It is good, but the imagery seems very complex for such a short poem. Ususally poems with this kind of descriptive-ness are a bit longer. Otherwise, it was pretty freaking awesome.  

[Cat Without a Hat]

horseridergirl2

Okay, it's short, but that's because I wrote it for a competition that can't have more than eight lines, but I think I'll lengthen it later.

Golden rays of sunlight,
Filtering through the breeze,

Suddenly start to dance,
Stirred by a chilly breeze.

A doe looks up,
Fawn by her side,

If only people,
Could see through her eyes.


It's not that good, but I really only write poetry once a year for this competition and don't know much about it. sweatdrop Maybe I'm more a book person.

That's a very pretty poem. smile I like the last lines best. I think if people could see through an animal's eyes like that, the world would be a very different and most likely better place.  

[Requiem Dare]

biggrin Thanks! I turned it in today, so hopefully I'll at least place. neutral I write one every year but they're never really very good. I was thinking about entering another one that my social studies teacher told us about today. The maximum length for the poem is three pages, so I could make it as long as I wanted, but I dunno. The theme's supposed to be "Less Than Perfect" and it's supposed to be about the holocaust.