death poem

[heavens_akki]

Here he lies on the ground
Dreadful eyes all around
Hear the sighs but make no sound
See grey skies and death is found

Here she lies upon the ground
Sinful eyes all around
Hear the sighs and make no sound
See bright skies and death is found

Here they lie in the ground
Sorrow eyes all around
Hear the sigh but can't make a sound
See dark skies and death is found  

[Hirashio]

While it is good, it struck me as stuck. Something about the formatting just seemed rather strict and hard. This doesn't seem like a topic that would need such a formatting. Maybe, it's just me.  

[Dark_rose_fighter]

It was ok. I think you used ground, around, sound, and found a little too much. I mean it was basicly repeating the same thing over. So you did very well with coming up with fore words that rhyme.size]  

[Reizzar]

I can't seem to get myself to enjoy this piece. Don't get me wrong; this piece you have could be great... just, at it's current state - it needs some work. It could have great flow, if it did not feel so abridged. Short. ... Some poems work as short pieces; I think this one would be much better given some length. Your rhyme scheme works; it's that sort of repetition that makes one want to keep reading; but when one gets to the end... it just leaves you wanting something more.

Quote:

It was ok. I think you used ground, around, sound, and found a little too much. I mean it was basicly repeating the same thing over. So you did very well with coming up with fore words that rhyme.

A lot of poems use repetition of vowels and sounds. You may just not notice them as much. With this piece it's quite visibly seen in the words. But repeating something isn't always bad. Just keep that in mind. Poetry is too free to be confined to some constricting setup.  

[YoTeAmo]

I like the poem, but it's a little bit too repetitive. The end of every line shouldn't be repeated like that (no offense). You maybe should have added more to it between the repetitive phrases. You could have explained why he was dead and why she was dead before the phrase that you use the he and she in. Other than that, it's good.