~~~~Thought Of The Insane~~~~ ((comment please.))

[Prince Lithium]

::THought's Of The Insane::

((meant to be read at a fast pace))

Scream and fall
And fall and scream
These padded walls are fun

Running running running
In these circles of being paranoid
I stop when the voices tell me to
They do it all the time

Padding padding padding
Oh the padded walls are fun
I bounce around and fall right down
And love remembering what I've done

Oh bash his face
Oh bash his face
The blood means he's alive
The voices in my head talk to me
And I know that they are right

I smacked the head with the shovel I had
And oh he begins to bleed
The butthole called me crazy
The voices tell me otehrwise
I laugh at how much he needs

The ones that call
Me Crazy arE
out To get Me
JusT THe SAme
As all ThE PeOPLe pROBinG
My
miND

IM NO T IN SA NE
i'mnotinsane
The voices tell me so while
The ONeS iN whiTE hoLD Me DoWn
And I fall asleep
AgAIn.  

[x_Chromatic Zelda_x]

I like it a lot.
But I think a few improvements could be made.

Quote:

Oh bash his face
Oh bash his face
The blood means he's alive
The voices in my head, they talk to me
And I know that they are right

To make it flow better.

Quote:

IM NO T IN SA NE
i'mnotinsane
The voices tell me so while
The ONeS iN whiTE hoLD Me DoWn
And I fall asleep
AgAIn.

The last one's good, but I don't quite like something about it. I know it's supposed to be all disheveled and mixed up, but it just doesn't seem right to me.  

[Prince Lithium]

demented pandora

I like it a lot.
But I think a few improvements could be made.

Quote:

Oh bash his face
Oh bash his face
The blood means he's alive
The voices in my head, they talk to me
And I know that they are right

To make it flow better.

Quote:

IM NO T IN SA NE
i'mnotinsane
The voices tell me so while
The ONeS iN whiTE hoLD Me DoWn
And I fall asleep
AgAIn.

The last one's good, but I don't quite like something about it. I know it's supposed to be all disheveled and mixed up, but it just doesn't seem right to me.

It's meant to be really random. There is supposed to be no pattern to it. It was meant to be a bunch of thoughts of the insane.

Yeah, that last part bugged me a bit. I figured I might as well put it in there to make things sound finished.

Thanks for the critique. biggrin I always enjoy getting advice. biggrin  

[Sheep Kitchen]

EmpathicPrince

demented pandora

I like it a lot.
But I think a few improvements could be made.

Quote:

Oh bash his face
Oh bash his face
The blood means he's alive
The voices in my head, they talk to me
And I know that they are right

To make it flow better.

Quote:

IM NO T IN SA NE
i'mnotinsane
The voices tell me so while
The ONeS iN whiTE hoLD Me DoWn
And I fall asleep
AgAIn.

The last one's good, but I don't quite like something about it. I know it's supposed to be all disheveled and mixed up, but it just doesn't seem right to me.

It's meant to be really random. There is supposed to be no pattern to it. It was meant to be a bunch of thoughts of the insane.

Yeah, that last part bugged me a bit. I figured I might as well put it in there to make things sound finished.

Thanks for the critique. biggrin I always enjoy getting advice. biggrin

That last part bugs me too, but I wouldn't do anything to it. That bugging feeling actually kind of adds to the overall emotion that it invokes.

It's really up to you, but I wouldn't add in the ", they" part, it seems kind of jumbled to me with that and throws off the pace that you've indicated.

All in all, I really like it. Probably because I should be in an asylum myself. xD

 

[Wolfie Kid]

Wow... that's quite a good poem. It really puts you in the mind of someone who seems vunerable and confused... and insane... but all the same it does create a sense of calm madness... if there is such a thing... neutral  

[Prince Lithium]

Yes. Calm maddness does exist. It's called insanity. XD

Calm maddness is another term for WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *takes breath* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xd  

[Wolfie Kid]

Okay... neutral  

[Lord_Skyy]

Weeeeee! Insanity rules the world. We're all insane inside. Sigmund Freud!
MEEP!



Pardon the randomness. A cookie for you, good sir. domokun  

[Wolfie Kid]

You guys are really weird... I like you! blaugh  

[Dark_rose_fighter]

This ... was sickly .... AWSOME! heart


Rose  

[lady_ruler_of_the_zombies]

I like it! It reminds me of when the men in white lab coats came for me. Just kidding! Honestly though, it's a good poem, i like it. Here are my favorite parts

Oh the padded walls are fun
I bounce around and fall right down
And love remembering what I've done

and

The ones that call
Me Crazy arE
out To get Me
JusT THe SAme
As all ThE PeOPLe pROBinG
My
miND

IM NO T IN SA NE
i'mnotinsane
The voices tell me so while
The ONeS iN whiTE hoLD Me DoWn
And I fall asleep
AgAIn.  

[Prince Lithium]

Thanks you guys. biggrin  

[Wolfie Kid]

EmpathicPrince

Thanks you guys. biggrin

Awww... don't mention it! blaugh  

[Mrkurosakie]

Lord_Skyy

Weeeeee! Insanity rules the world. We're all insane inside. Sigmund Freud!
MEEP!



Pardon the randomness. A cookie for you, good sir. domokun

I'm insane too!!! :O:O I reek insanity. Because I'm insane I am sane! doesn't make sense? Let me explain. I am insane, all the time. Thus, insanity is my way of being sane, therefore being sane to me would be insane! get it? yeah smile  

[Wolfie Kid]

It's okay: as a fellow sane lunatic, I understand.