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Tags: grammar, literate, english, language 

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AAAAARGH. Frustrated. Need some opinions.

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Sheep Kitchen

Wheezing Ladykiller

PostPosted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 4:30 pm
I've probably rewritten the lyrics for this song three or four times. This is the latest and I changed the name from Colorblind to Potential. I'm very frustrated as of late with all the s**t I've been having to deal with and the fact that I can't express myself lyrically better. It's just not coming out it seems. Some opinions would be lovely. And I don't think it's finished yet. I don't remember.

I'd also posted this in the main poetry/lyric forum and didn't get anything. Just the usual "it's good" crap. It's not good! There are things that need to be done! But I just don't know what... AAARGH. I ask you, intelligent people for critique.

my face buried in red as i fall into the green
and all the color that i have never seen
i swim in the beautiful hues
of night, you paint me a mysterious blue
i dream with my headphones on
they pound in my ears great waves of black
the sound is something i could not have drawn
i find my player skipping yet another track
keep my breath held for the calm
I could disappear-
Appear in the grey (desperate)
Du bist Farbeblinde*
I have the potential yet
No need for the upset
You are just-

and i love my miss america from government nowhere
how many steps till i don't care
how many steps till i meet up with jack
before i get struck again from the back
you bastards - gravity got me again
I could stand before-
Mind your posture now!
Du bist Farbeblinde
I have the potential yet
No need for the upset
You are just-

purple haze washes away
and strips from me the grey
i can see all the colors in the faces of the queen and jack
but i can't take what's wrong with me back
I am simply just-
Keep your hips in line
Head up, shoulders back
I have the potential yet
No need for the upset
You are just-

(bunch of randomness insues - crazed, frantic)
Chin up!
Watch your feet! (chastising)
Sag mal! **
Somebody wake her up! (screaming)
Did Gravity get her again?
Keep the clock in check!
Is she even moving? (half-spoken/laughter)
Es ist jetzt Mitternacht! *** (desperate)
Somebody wake her up!
Get her up!

i am simply
colorblind

German translations
* You are colorblind
** Tell me
*** It's now midnight
 
PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 10:41 pm
You can start by fixing the capitalization and punctuation. Next, it depends where you want to go with it. Are you more focused on the message, or on how it sounds? What mood do you want? If you want to make it sound more beautiful then I don't know. Experiment. I would try not to be afraid to radically change everything to make it sound better.  

Gachetemas

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Poetry

 
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