The following fanfiction is of the Discworld category. To help those who don't know, Vimes' first name is Sam, and Veternari's is Havelock. This is a lot funnier to those who have read the DIscworld series, but I think that everybody can recognize the writing style.

Once again, I realize that this isn't strictly text talk. But it still makes me laugh derisively. heart

I've put chapters one and two here. Please note that I didn't write this, and I'm not posting the link. I've talked to the author's alter ego, and I've learned that this was actually a parody. Despite this the author had been flamed like mad.. So enjoy the archetypes, but don't go out and start killing small fluffy things.



Chapter 1:

Hello. This is my first story. I really like the Discworld because it is funny. Please read my story and tell me if you like it. I have written it in Terry Pratchett’s style.

“I hate parties,” said Mr Vimes. “They are so boring. I should be catching criminals instead of talking to boring people like Lord Rust.”

“Shut up, Mr Vimes,” said Sybil Vimes. “Parties are fun. Don’t be so stupid.” She went to go speak to her friends and left him alone.

Mr Vimes was sad. He didn’t like his wife anymore because she was so mean and horrible to him. She did nasty things to him like make fun of him in front of her friends. Mr Vimes wanted to leave her but Lord Vetinari said no. He said the Commander of the Watch have to have a wife. This made Mr Vimes very sad.

A blonde lady came up to him. “Hello,” she said.

“Hello,” said Mr Vimes.

“What is your name?” said the blonde lady.

“My name is Mr Vimes,” said Mr Vimes. “What is your name?”

“I am Lady Isobelle Vetinari,” said the blonde lady. “I am Lord Vetinari’s sister.”

All throughout the party Mr Vimes talked to Lord Vetinari’s sister. He liked her very much. She was very pretty with blond hair and green eyes like her brother. She was very clever too. At the end of the party Mr Vimes didn’t want to go home with his mean wife. He wanted to stay and talk to Isobelle some more but Sybil made him leave because she didn’t want him to be happy.

The next day Mr Vimes went to see Lord Vetinari. “Hello, Peter,” said Mr Vimes. He was allowed to call Lord Vetinari by his first name because they were best friends.

“Hello, Mr Vimes,” said Lord Vetinari. “What do you want to speak to me about?”

“You said that the Commander of the Watch has to have a wife. I don’t like my wife anymore. She is nasty and smells like a dragon. She is mean like a dragon too.”

“Yes, she is very awful, Mr Vimes,” said Lord Vetinari. “But the Commander have to have a wife. You can’t leave your wife unless you get a new wife.”

Mr Vimes smiled a lot. “I have found someone to be my new wife. It is your sister, Isobelle.”

“I did not know you met Isobelle,” said Lord Vetinari. “She has only just got here from Genua where she was staying with my Auntie.”

“I know,” said Mr Vimes. “She told me. I saw her at the party last night. She is very pretty and clever. I want to marry her now.”

“Okay,” said Lord Vetinari. “You can get rid of your mean wife and marry my sister. I am very happy.”

“I am happy too,” said Mr Vimes.

“I am very happy too,” said Isobelle. She loved Mr Vimes very much.

The only person who was not happy was mean old Sybil. She tried to stop Mr Vimes and Isobelle getting married but Lord Vetinari chopped her head off with an axe. Everyone cheered.

There it is. Did you like it? My next story will be about Angua and Carrot.

Chapter 2:

Wow! A lot of people have read my first story! You all must like it very much so here is chapter two. It is about Carrot and Angua.

Angua was a werewolf. She did not like to be a werewolf though because it means she had to eat people. Her boyfriend was called Carrot and he was not a werewolf because he was a dwarf. He did not like it when Angua had to eat people. It made him sad. One day she ate so many people Mr Vimes threatened to fire her from the Watch.

“You can’t eat people anymore, Angua,” said Mr Vimes. “It is naughty.”

“I’m sorry, Mr Vimes, but I must eat people because I am a werewolf,” said Angua.

“Then you should not be a werewolf any more,” said Mr Vimes. “Go and see my wife, Isobelle. She is pretty and clever and the best witch in the world. She will help you.”

Angua was happy. She liked Isobelle and wanted to be her best friend. She went to Mr Vimes house and knocked on the door.

“Hello,” said Isobelle. “What do you want?”

“I want you to help me,” said Angua. “Mr Vimes told me you are the best witch in the world and can stop me being a werewolf.”

“Okay, what do you want to be instead?” said Isobelle.

“I want to be a dwarf like Carrot,” said Angua.

“Drink this magic potion then,” said Isobelle. Angua drank the magic potion and turned into a dwarf. She was very happy. She walked back to the Watch house with a big smile on her face. Her smile grew very big when she saw Carrot.

“Hello, Carrot,” said Angua.”

“Angua, is that you?” said Carrot. “Why are you a dwarf? You are a werewolf.”

“I went to see Mr Vimes wife,” said Angua. “She is the best witch in the world. She gave me a magic potion and I turned into a dwarf. I do not have to eat people any more so I am happy.”

“I am happy too,” said Carrot. “Now we are the same height and can kiss properly. See?” He kissed Angua.

“Now I am very, very happy,” said Angua.

"Hello," said Lord Vetinari. "Angua, you are now a dwarf."

"Yes, I am. Thank you for noticing," said Angua.

"Why have you come here to this place the Watch house?" said Carrot.

"I am here to see my best friend, Mr Vimes," said Lord Vetinari. "I have a present for him."

Mr Vimes walked in the door. "Hello, Peter."

"Hello, Mr Vimes," said Lord Vetinari. "I have a present for you. Here it is."

Mr Vimes took the box and opened it. Inside was a very shiny bracelet. "Wow, thank you, Peter," said Mr Vimes.

"Look on it. I have had the jeweller write on it for us and he has made two of them," said Lord Vetinari.

"What does it say, Mr Vimes?" said Angua. "Tell us now."

Mr Vimes looked at the bracelet. "It says Peter and Percy Best Friends Forever."

"Do you like it, Mr Vimes?" said Lord Vetinari. "I have a matching bracelet too. That way everyone will know we are Best Friends Forever."

"I like it very much," said Mr Vimes. "I'm going to wear it every day."

"So am I," said Lord Vetinari. “I want to give you a hug, Mr Vimes.”

“I would like to hug you too,” said Mr Vimes. He walked up to Lord Vetinari and gave him a big hug.