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 Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:59 pm
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 6:57 am
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A Shadow of Lies
too repetitive to be worth its length.
there is not enough content.
and you need to connect the desolation,
"the shadow of lies" with something concrete.
look at all your nouns, they are all abstract.
your message would be better communicated to the readers
if there is a picture you can help them see,
instead of just blackness and shadow and all that.
i dont need to read a poem to see blackness and shadow,
i can just close my eyes.
Choices
theres a typo in the last line of the fifth stanza. mrgreen
its supposed to be "Will it swallow us whole?" isnt it??
i like this one better, even though its still too abstract for my taste
and its not unique, you use symbols that arent personal.
your rhythm is great in this one.
i would consider enjambment in some lines
Forgotten Love
again, still generic, but you're getting there
with the Earth swallowing you whole and all that.
what you need in your poems is something like that,
describe sensations from your own perspective;
dont just use the sun, moon, everyone has abused those wink
Goodbye
You meantion that its for a project
what exactly was the assignment??
if it was just to write a eulogy, i dont think it has to be this long...
and i got confused what you were writing about towards the end.
again, use enjambment
some of these lines dont need punctuation marks.
Get a little personal, seriously
its a good thing.
and use more specific verbs, not just "go" and "look"
you really like lies, dont you?? ehehehe
Hunger
hmm, good questions.
very existential.
i did not really catch where you stand on this
when you were comparing, you are saying that this is unfair??
i like the message, but the content is lacking;
its like a picture without a frame -- pretty but not pretty enough.
Immortality
cry
i liked the pain coming upon with swift wings 3nodding
this one is very clear, and i liked your allusion to the phoenix
that makes the poem more exciting and easier to see.
try breaking the form sometimes,
you sound kind of uptight in these poems xp
Traveler
its "Clothe him" silly, cloth refers to fabric wink
oooh, i like the mysteriousness of this poem
i think your generalities finally pays off in this one
because it gives the traveler a mysterious air
i would like to meet this guy sometime
Finished!
sorry if i seem a bit harsh
but im a firm believer of helping and not praising.
these are not bad poems
just work on personalizing them a bit
and be a bit more descriptive, dont be so subtle!
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:24 am
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Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 4:10 am
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Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 5:13 am
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zmorkian rayne_phantom It's ok, I know I'm not great at poetry or anything ^.^
I don't plan on becomeing a poet or anything so it doesn't bother me
plus, when did construticve criticsm ever hurt anyone? well i know some people who are sensitive to it so, just in case you were one of them... rolleyes
It's ok, I've met some poeple who are too, they love it when you prasie them, but give them one little tip about how to improve...
that's why I try not to reply unless they we either that good or they welcomed constructive critism...
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Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 4:51 pm
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rayne_phantom zmorkian rayne_phantom It's ok, I know I'm not great at poetry or anything ^.^
I don't plan on becomeing a poet or anything so it doesn't bother me
plus, when did construticve criticsm ever hurt anyone? well i know some people who are sensitive to it so, just in case you were one of them... rolleyes
It's ok, I've met some poeple who are too, they love it when you prasie them, but give them one little tip about how to improve...
that's why I try not to reply unless they we either that good or they welcomed constructive critism...
eh yea, good strategy.
by the way, have you written any more?? |
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Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 1:03 pm
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zmorkian rayne_phantom zmorkian rayne_phantom It's ok, I know I'm not great at poetry or anything ^.^
I don't plan on becomeing a poet or anything so it doesn't bother me
plus, when did construticve criticsm ever hurt anyone? well i know some people who are sensitive to it so, just in case you were one of them... rolleyes
It's ok, I've met some poeple who are too, they love it when you prasie them, but give them one little tip about how to improve...
that's why I try not to reply unless they we either that good or they welcomed constructive critism...
eh yea, good strategy. by the way, have you written any more??
not for a while, I've mostly done photography but I finished that class recently,and my sister stole my camera, so now I'm starting to do some more drawing and stuff....
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Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 7:11 pm
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rayne_phantom zmorkian rayne_phantom zmorkian rayne_phantom It's ok, I know I'm not great at poetry or anything ^.^
I don't plan on becomeing a poet or anything so it doesn't bother me
plus, when did construticve criticsm ever hurt anyone? well i know some people who are sensitive to it so, just in case you were one of them... rolleyes
It's ok, I've met some poeple who are too, they love it when you prasie them, but give them one little tip about how to improve...
that's why I try not to reply unless they we either that good or they welcomed constructive critism...
eh yea, good strategy. by the way, have you written any more??
not for a while, I've mostly done photography but I finished that class recently,and my sister stole my camera, so now I'm starting to do some more drawing and stuff....
coolio, i wanna see those 3nodding |
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Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 3:12 pm
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 1:40 pm
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Reply
