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 Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:29 am
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:31 am
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Irishman declares war
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So
Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:45 am
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The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam . The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Catherine during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Catherine kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:52 am
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". lol
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There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:52 am
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Christmas Carols for the Mentally disturbed
A couple of these are chuckle-worthy.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...
Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:19 pm
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 8:47 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 8:45 pm
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WarriorShadow Come on people, post in this thread, keep it allive, i want everything posted Dont care if you dont think its funny, if its a Joke, post it. I COMMAND IT! domokun
I'm doing you a major favour here stressed
A blind man with a guide monkey walks into a bar and orders a drink, his guide monkey jumps up onto the bar and eats thewhole bowl of fruit sitting there (including the bowl), then he goes over to the pool table and eats the cue ball and the chalk, then he goes over to the bar again and eats a mug. the bartender says "Oi, you can't come in here and let him do that!!!" So they leave, then they come back the next day and the blind man goes up to the bar and orders another drink. The monkey jumps onto the bar and grabs a grape from the bowl of fruit and sticks it up it's butt. It takes it out again and eats it. The bartender says "he can't do that here". The blind man says "He tests his food now "
(If you don't get it, imagine trying to get a cue ball out the other end of the monkey after he ate it. eek ) |
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:01 pm
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Aussieish facts razz okay, so only some are amusing razz
* The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
* The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
* Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
* If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
* There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
* On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
* Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
* All our best heroes are losers.
* The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
* It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
* A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
* It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total b*****d". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a b*****d".
* Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
* The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
* If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
* The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
* It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
* The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
* If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
* If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
* The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
* Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is OK. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
* The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
* On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:02 pm
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Reply
