What's your favorite Pagan joke?

[safkef]

I LOVE pagan jokes! I think they are funny, clever and just about the best thing since tarot cards smile

Here's a few to get you started!

Be different, cast a square!

I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a past life...

What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? Self-Cleaning Coven

Ankh if you love ISIS (or Ankh if you love RA)


Please don't squeeze the shaman!

Life's a witch and then you fly!

BEAM ME BACK MERLIN  

[Jezehbelle]

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?
Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?
About $500.00 a weekend

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
Craft singles!

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"
"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.
"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course." "B-but I don't believe..."
"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.
"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.
"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."
"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"
"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."
"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"
"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."
So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good." A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"
"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.
"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.
"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.
"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.
"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"
"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"
"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.
"Are you serious...?" he finally asked.
Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"
Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth. Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"
Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"

You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.  

[Boadicia]

A Wiccan High Priestess, a Baptist minister, and a Universal Unitarian were fishing together in the same boat. Halfway through the trip, the Baptist minister stood and miraculously walked over the water towards the shore. He picked up his bagged lunch and walked back over the water towards the boat.

The Wiccan scowled at him. "That was very rude. You could have at least gotten our lunches too." She stepped out of the boat, walked to the shore, grabbed both lunches, and returned to the boat.

After a while, the Universal Unitarian decided he needed to use the bathroom. He stepped out of the boat . . .

. . . and plunged into the water. The Wiccan and Baptist grabbed him and pulled him back into the boat.

The Baptist laughed. "I guess we should have told him about the rocks under the water."

"Rocks?" the Wiccan asked. "What rocks?"  

[Boadicia]

A fundamentalist Christian preacher was walking along a sidewalk until he found a little girl playing with a litter of puppies. "Hello little girl," he said. "What kind of puppies are those?"

"Oh, they're Christian puppies," the girl said with a smile. Happy with the little girl's answer, the preacher continued on his way.

A few weeks later, the preacher found the little girl playing with the puppies again. "Hello, and how are our Christian puppies doing today?"

"Oh, they're not Christian puppies anymore," the girl said. "They're Pagan puppies?"

The preacher nearly had a heart attack. "What! But you said they were Christian puppies!"

"They were," the girl said, "but now their eyes are open!"  

[safkef]

Those are aweosome! LOL  

[Starlock]

Definition time!

What... is a pentagram?








A five-sided cracker.  

[krazy-kimmy-sue]

Starlock

Definition time!

What... is a pentagram?








A five-sided cracker.

thats great lol right after i got my tongue peirced I tried to say the word pentacle but my tongue was so swolen that I said pentacicle lol heart  

[Atma311]

Boadicia

A Wiccan High Priestess, a Baptist minister, and a Universal Unitarian were fishing together in the same boat. Halfway through the trip, the Baptist minister stood and miraculously walked over the water towards the shore. He picked up his bagged lunch and walked back over the water towards the boat.

The Wiccan scowled at him. "That was very rude. You could have at least gotten our lunches too." She stepped out of the boat, walked to the shore, grabbed both lunches, and returned to the boat.

After a while, the Universal Unitarian decided he needed to use the bathroom. He stepped out of the boat . . .

. . . and plunged into the water. The Wiccan and Baptist grabbed him and pulled him back into the boat.

The Baptist laughed. "I guess we should have told him about the rocks under the water."

"Rocks?" the Wiccan asked. "What rocks?"

I heard that joke before, but differently. The people were actually like this:

The Wiccan = The Goddess
The Baptist minister = Jesus
The Universal Unitarian = Jerry Falwell

I thought it was funnier that way too whee  

[Nihilistic Seraph]

Speaking of Jerry Falwell, the man seems to have kicked the bucket...

Here's my favourite pagan joke

http://turoks.net/Cabana/PolytheistCreationStory.htm  

[Pelta]

How many druids does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
Druids don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles!

How many Alexandrians does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
I dunno, ask the Gardnerians!

How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Thirteen, but they have to be very, very small!

How long does it take a Wiccan to screw in a lightbulb?
A year in outer circle, a year at first degree, a year at second, but only third degrees screw in lightbulbs.

How many Correlians does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
Only $250 and you TOO could learn to screw in lightbulbs! Send away now for your free initiation packet!

How many High Magicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One - they hold it up and the world revolves around them.

And my favourite:
How many discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two - One to get the ladder and one to fill a bathtub with brightly coloured East German power tools.  

[Astral_Moonlight]

A high priest tells his coven member, "Hey, I heard a new fundie joke today."
The member replies, "Man, you're always slamming fundies. Why don't you
tell us a Martian joke instead?"
"OK, Two Martians are carrying their Bibles to church. The first Martian
says, 'At the revival last week, I led 15 new souls to accept Jesus Christ as
their personal saviour' and the other Martian says--"
"Never mind," says the member.







 

[Astral_Moonlight]

Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.  

[Boadicia]

cutiemonkey8

Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.

rofl Oh, that's a good one!  

[Astral_Moonlight]

Boadicia

cutiemonkey8

Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.

rofl Oh, that's a good one!

lol thx biggrin  

[MollyFu]

What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want it changed into.

hee hee Blessed Be