 |
(note, i did not write this, i got it form TheGrayCoyote in another hp guild)
The Letter:
Dear First Years,
Soon your teachers will be telling you my story, the story of the mischievous Sirius Black and his partner in crime, James Potter. They will warn you not to wander down the path of pranks and detentions, as I have. I am proud of what “The Marauders” have accomplished, and therefore, wanted to leave you with something to remember us by. I am giving you a list of things that I am no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts, which you all should consider doing on a regular basis to remind our dear teachers what they're missing. Chances are they will break down into silent tears of nostalgia. However, should they tell you they don’t miss us, well…you little ones will have to learn that sometimes professors do tell little white lies. Of course they miss us! They just can’t tell you that or they’d be unconsciously encouraging you to follow in our legendary footsteps. So are you ready for Sirius Black’s famous list of things not to do at Hogwarts? I thought so. Therefore I, Sirius Lee Black, now bequeath to you my legacy. Remember it well:
1 - Not allowed to threaten anyone with "Black" magic.
2 - Not allowed to give myself or any other human on the premises of Hogwarts, especially Severus Snape, magical breast implants.
3 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
4 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets serve detention for me.
5 - Not allowed to refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Dad."
6 - Not allowed to refer to Professor McGonagall as "Mum."
7 - If the thought of something makes either myself or James Potter giggle for more than fifteen seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
8 - Not allowed to speculate on the p***s size of any of my male or female professors.
9 - Not allowed to threaten suicide with Muggle pop rocks and coke.
10 - The proper way to report to Headmaster Dumbledore when ordered into his office is, "You wanted to see me, Professor?" and not "You can't prove a thing!"
11 - I do not get "that time of the month" and, therefore, cannot use it as an excuse when trying to get out of detention.
12 - Not allowed to fly my broomstick indoors, especially to chase first years down to the dungeons.
13 - Not allowed to fall in love with Madam Pomfrey.
14 - Not allowed to send anonymous love letters or fan mail to Professors.
15 - There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
16 - Not allowed to ask Professor Pintaine if he's been smoking crack.
17 - Not allowed to add "in accordance with this prophecy" to the end of answers I give to a question asked by our divination professor.
18 - May not call the divination professor immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if I am right or become possessed by a spirit and give prophecies of my own in the middle of class.
19 - Not allowed to challenge fellow Quidditch players to 'Meet me on the field of honor at dawn,' and then show up wearing a full suit of armor that I “borrowed” from the dungeon statue.
20 - Not allowed to purchase the souls of first year students and make them my slaves.
21 - Not allowed to magically wash the hair of hygienically challenged students, even if they are greasy, slimy gits (cough-Snivellus-cough) and even if I am doing it "for the greater good of the student body."
22 - Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table rotten food.
23 - (Next day) Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table no food at all.
24 - Not allowed to host an "Inter-house Challenge Slip 'N' Slide Tournament" using the house tables and 147 buckets of water in the Great Hall.
25 – Not allowed to purchase the clothing of Hogwarts house elves and wear it “as a mark of my own enslavement.”
26 - Not allowed to accuse Moaning Myrtle of sexual harassment.
27 - Not allowed to trade Quidditch balls (i.e. the quaffle, bludgers, and snitch...actually James kept the snitch) for inflatable sheep.
28 - Not allowed to release enchanted inflated sheep into the dungeons to test the Care of Magical Creatures Professor's competency in his trade.
29 - Not allowed to die... Seriously, I'm not allowed to die or drown! (especially while testing a potion or swimming in the lake).
30 - The staff room (which is guarded by gargoyles) is not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell first years that it is.
31 – “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long-term goal to give at career advice.
32 - Any device that can crawl across the table on medium should not be brought into the Great Hall.
33 - Not allowed to play strip Quidditch.
34 - Not allowed to send Howlers to myself.
35 - Not allowed to start a betting pool as to when Severus Snape will ever take a bath.
36 - Not allowed to make love to any Hogwarts statues.
37 - Not allowed to give Snape candy and then use it to take over his brain and make him say incriminating things.
38 - Not allowed to anonymously offer a dating service to Slytherins and then set them up with their brothers and/or sisters.
39 - Not allowed into the girls' dormitories.
40 - Not allowed within twenty feet of the girls' dormitories.
41 - Not allowed to even set foot on the entire left half of the common room (which leads to the girls' dormitories).
42 - Not allowed to turn Severus Snape's clothes pink and expect to get out of detention by arguing that “pink is definitely his color
” or that “men love pastels on a woman.”
43 - Not allowed to bang my head against a desk until I become so disoriented that I wander into the girls' bathrooms.
44 - Not allowed to put a charm on certain Slytherins so that rainbow colored foam comes out of their mouths every time they try to speak ill of a Gryffindor.
45 - Not allowed to ride Dumbledore's gargoyle stairway up and down singing "I Feel Pretty" until he comes out of his office and asks me to stop.
46 - Not allowed to start a nudist colony in the prefect's bathroom on weekends.
47 - Not allowed to offer Sex-Ed classes to first through third years and other older "teenagers full of angst" who feel they are "lacking in carnal knowledge."
48 - Not allowed to imply that "Dad" (Professor Dumbledore) is "getting lucky" with "Mum" (Professor McGonagall) tonight in the middle of Transfiguration.
49 - Not allowed to hum "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye as I walk past Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore "conversing" in a "strictly professional" manner in the hallway.
50 - Not allowed to charm Hogwarts statues to kick all Slytherin's "where the sun don't shine" as they pass by.
51 - Not allowed to tell Lily Evans “thanks for last night” in front of James Potter and therefore provoke the latter to hex me.
52 - Not allowed to hand out my old, soiled socks to fifth or seventh year girls (and one fifth year guy) as good luck charms on their O.W.L.'s or N.E.W.T.'s.
53 - Not allowed to charm Dumbledore's socks to sing "Barracuda" whenever Severus Snape walks into the same room as him.
54 - Not allowed to be myself.
55 – I do not have super powers and should not claim otherwise.
56 – I am neither the king nor queen of cheese and should not claim otherwise.
57 – I am not in need of a more suitable host body and should not claim otherwise.
58 – I am not a “lesbian trapped in a man’s body” and should not claim otherwise.
59 – Not allowed to trade my schoolbooks for any of the following (which have been attempted on separate occasions): cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, candy, small children, etc.
60 – Not allowed to take incriminating photographs of my professors.
61 – Not allowed to use magic to make incriminating photographs of my professors.
62 – Not allowed to tattoo a likeness of my face on students or professors while they slumber.
63 - Not allowed to vandalize the Slytherin Common Room.
64 – Not allowed to sing “Henry VIII, I Am” until verse sixty-eight ever again.
65 – Not allowed to drink three liters of blue food coloring before my yearly Quidditch (pee-in-a-cup) physical given by Madam Pomfrey.
66 – Nor allowed to drink three liters of red food coloring and scream during the same.
67 – Not allowed to bring Professor McGonagall as my date to the no-longer-annual, end-of-term costume ball.
68 – “I’m drunk,” is a bad answer to the question, “Why would you do that, Black?” posed by my head of house or any other figure of authority even if I was joking.
69 – Firewhiskey, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine bottle is not a good combination even if I’m trying to make a point that Lily Evans should learn to clean her teeth without using Muggle technology.
70 – The whole of Hogwarts’ suits of armor cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
71 – Hogwarts professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six whole boxes of Ice Mice yesterday.
72 – Not allowed to organize a Disco Fever Dance at 2 A.M. in the Headmaster’s office, even if the Headmaster was the one who requested “Macho Man.”
73 – Not allowed to send out wedding invitations for Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore.
74 – Not allowed to claim that my first name is indeed a very fitting description of my personality and burst into bogus tears when a professor suggests otherwise.
75 – Probably not allowed to be writing this list…; )
|
 |
Reply
![[Total.Immortal]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/b8/ee/70c6c1cd4eeeb8_flip.png?t=1194748295_6.00_00)
