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| What begins with "F" and rhymes with "Duck"? |
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| Total Votes : 8 |
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 Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:36 am
A girl sat in the moonlight,
On a clear-sky night.
As she sat she looked straight up and was dazzled by the moon,
Washed away in thoughts that her flame of life would die out soon.
"This flame of life that burns in me, I will not let it out.
This thing that they call death, I wonder, what is it all about?"
"All night, the moon will shine on me, until it's job is done.
Then promptly it will be pushed back down by the waking sun."
"The moon will not be gone, just in another place.
Is my flame of life like this? Or does it vanish without a trace?"
"I will conclude on this clear night, that death is not to blame.
For now I will be as the moon, and light my Crescent Flame."
Criticize me!
Really, what do you think?
Be honest.
>w<
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Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 11:30 am
Very nicely written. I liked the flow throughout the poem, how you could read it and it moved in a way that emphasized the feelings. The only times I felt it got a little less "flowy" than I like is when you tried to rhyme every two lines. Some of the words felt awkward. You don't have to rhyme for it to be poetry. I think if you went free verse you could do extremely well.
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Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 12:41 pm
It was sort of hard to get into the rhythm, since after the first two lines you sorta bunched it together. After the first two, I would have split the lines in two to make it easier to read.
Example:
As she sat, she looked straight up
And was dazzled by the moon;
Washed away in thoughts
That her flame of life would die out soon.
But that's basically it, except I felt there were commas missing in the middle of some lines, and lots of people do it how you do. I really liked it.
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 7:58 pm
greenrider_calidar It was sort of hard to get into the rhythm, since after the first two lines you sorta bunched it together. After the first two, I would have split the lines in two to make it easier to read. Example: As she sat, she looked straight up And was dazzled by the moon; Washed away in thoughts That her flame of life would die out soon. But that's basically it, except I felt there were commas missing in the middle of some lines, and lots of people do it how you do. I really liked it.
I actually couldn't think of that.
sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 10:37 am
Aw. I'm sorry. Don't feel blonde. Just dye your hair brown...like me! Wait. My avatar's hair is red. Crud... Anyways, your poetry is very good and I would like to read more of it. You write better than lots of people I know. 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:09 pm
My hair changes color with the seasons.
Sometimes I'm Blonde, somtimes Brunette.
Sometimes Red-Head.
Well, thanks, I guess.
I've actually had alot of compliments on my poetry, but yours was the first that was straight forward.
Other than from my friends, but that's their job.
>w<
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 4:55 pm
It seemed kind of bunched up after the first two lines, but it was very well written I think.
I love how you described life. It reminds me of White Fang.
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Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:37 pm
NekrophylliaMuffin It seemed kind of bunched up after the first two lines, but it was very well written I think.
I love how you described life. It reminds me of White Fang.  I put my poem in the "Main Literature" Forum of Gaia and just about everyone said that.
I'm debating whether to split the lines in half or not, since I think of the first two lines as a sort of "Opening".
~~Hey, th` name's Cressy.
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Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 11:06 pm
I agree that splitting the lines so it rhymes every other line after the first two would help a lot. I was considering making other recommendations, but I think they would all be moot if the lines were divided, because they mainly had to do with getting better flow. If you end up splitting the lines, you might also want to consider dividing it into stanzas. The first stanza would be the introduction couplet, then each succeding stanza would have 4 lines. I think dividing into stanzas would make the excess quotation marks more appropriate. As it is now, you really just need quotation marks at the beginning of line 5 and then at the end of the last line.
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:12 am
The flow was really well but i must say that it was a little confusing at the beginning and then could be understood. I think, and this is just my opinion (My opinion could be wrong), next time you should make it a little more unerstood at the beginning.
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