D:< D:< D:< D:< D:<

[Killer Zeit]

And I shouldn't be. Christ.

It's like fuccckkk the worrrlllddd.
And guys.
And love.

I told myself to go back to girls but ******** THE ******** ******** ******** ******** THE WOOORRRLLLLD.

When I went into my freshman year in high school, I took an art class. In this art class, there was a teacher's assistant.

Me and this kid, Austin, got to talking and we had a lot in common. The only thing that was different was that he was a junior, and I was a freshman. ( Though I've always dated older people. In my three relationships the people have been 2/3 years older than me. )

And we started liking each other IN SECRET but we didn't wanna go out because of the age difference. It didn't really bother us, but we were hesitant.
Then I dated this other guy for a year and a half, and when I broke up with him halfway through sophomore year, Austin said he still liked me.

I knew it was true, because he told me all the time and he spoiled me. And he didn't treat me like trash. I didn't think I would like Austin the same way, but after a few months of hanging out with him ( while being single ), I came to realize that I did still like him and I figured I wanna see what would happen. ( I'm up for anything. )

And for a couple months now we haven't really been "together" but we do cuddle, and hold hands, and we've kissed each other on the cheek and stuff. We've never said "I love you" or anything like that at all. Eveerrrrrr.

We've never actually considered ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend and nothing was ever really said. It just happened.

And two nights ago I was over at his house, like I have been for a while now, watching movies with him and in the middle of one he just said, "Let's just stay friends."

And that was all that was said. So, you know, I feel pretty shitty. And I asked him why he said that and he said, "I got myself into something I wasn't ready for and I don't want to hurt you. Relationships aren't for me right now."

When I asked him if he thought there would ever be a possibility for 'us,' he said: "I honestly don't know. Maybe in the future but that'll be a while. So don't wait for me."

I don't know whether to back off completely, or do you think he'll change his mind? I just thought it was sudden and... odd. We're still really friendly and still joking like we're together. I dunno what the ******** is going on.

I'm a little shaken by this because in my lifetime I've never been "rejected" or anything of the sort.
You see, the only 3 people I've ever had a crush on are people I ended up dating.

So I've never experienced this.
Then he ******** moves me one person back on his Myspace.
WHY DOES THAT BOTHER ME?

Who the ******** knows.
xD


But seriously. >_> Now he's all like "la la la dee daaaaa yayayaya."

Why the hell AUSTIN were you ready for like 2 years then all of the sudden NOT READY?

Afraid of commitment. Mhm. >_> I see. I see how it is.

He's such a manwhore. -_-; He knows it, everyone knows it, I know it.
So whyyyyyyyyyy do I care?

Because Zeit cares too much about everything.
Because Zeit is bothered by lots.
Because Zeit likes being single.
And at the same time, because Zeit loves companionship.
Not even boyfriend/girlfriend crap.

Just someone to hug and have it mean something more than "hey, I know you."

And someone to hold hands with. Just someone to talk to.
But just... a little bit more.
And I had it! >_>

I COULD HAVE HAD IT.
2 YEARS AGO, I COULD HAVE HAD IT.

But noooooo-ooo-oooo.

And plus his family ******** loves me.
They invite me over all the time.
And it's kinda cool, I think, because my first relationship was online.

So, no parents.
My second relationship, her parents were dead.
Third relationship, his family was ******** psycho and finally moved away. Like I wanted to know them.

So now I've got this NORMAL PERSON ( and I guess ZB is the only one that understands Austin is the only NORMAL PERSON I've been interested in. )

Finally, one that has a family, one that can drive, one that's responsible, one that's mentally stable.
A person that graduated high school with no problem. <--- Believe it or not, that's a step up!

From what I had before.
What did I have before?

--- A ten year old ( figuratively ). A computer screen. A roleplaying buddy. Lots of gay Canadians who pretended to live in ******** Oklahoma.
--- A girl who treated me like crap. A girl that never spent time with me. A girl that still loves me.
--- A guy who can't take goddamn care of himself. A guy so emotionally unstable, I don't even wanna help anymore.

Rawr.
RAWR ******** RAWR.

Alright. It's coming up on 10:45 and I have to be at work at 7:45 in the ******** you, ******** you, too.

I swear. D:< I want to like, go to Austin's house, and be like: ilu you ******** youuu. Change your mind!
I am upset.

I am getting depressed.
Well, I dunno if it's "depression" BUT I'M VERY BLAAAHHHH.
And like, moping around.

Why do people matter so much to other people?
NOT MAKING SENSE, HERE.

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Totally cool with me though.
I can be friends.
Friends are cool.



Everything are cool, now.
xD I'm going to currently pursue someone else, though.  

[The Mighty Z-Rex]

I actually read all of that. Sadly, I can understand both sides.

I've been in your situation once and it is ******** terrible. It's frustrating. You feel this awkwardness. you have that stubborn "we can make it work" attitude. It sucks, but in time you will grow apart and it will pass. That sounds shitty now but it would most likely be for the best. You're only going to keep feeling like there is a chance when there clearly isn't.


Now, for his side. I've got a very sad story about a relationship I had for two and a half years that ends with me being unable to go by my birth name and laid out in bed for 3 years. It was terribly traumatic and it still haunted me until a day or two before I joined this guild, actually. I loved the girl in that relationship, perhaps too much. I worshipped her, I was completely and totally devoted. However, the mind and heart can compete and cause muddy waters. I would see women and I would say "Wowwy doo" and I would pursue. I would want to be with them and take the usual process of dating and all that. However, the second the word Boyfriend or Girlfriend popped up I would freak out. My inability to trust after my experience and another feeling, like I was being adulterous, would seize me.

Now, at that point I had two options. Before things went too far I could say something or I could repress those feelings and try to make it work.
Sadly, (hindsight is always crystal clear) I never went with the first. My brain knew that I should make it work, things were over, but my heart (oh, the Irish) would just drag me down. Eventually I would have to give in and it was always exactly like your scenario.


Now, I'm not condoning it. I think it's wrong and I realize it was terrible of me to do that. I just wanted to give you a jist of the kind of thought processes that go into that.

It's tricky being a man. We're raised to disbeleive in our own emotions, yet no matter how tough you are you can't erase them. The pain of the heart is wearisome. You can't resist it for long without that pain becoming physical. You feel sick, you know? It's hard for us to do something like that. It just feels funny.

Hell, even this felt funny.
I'm just glad I don't have that hangup anymore.

But, to end this wall of text (TL;DR), in all seriousness I'm always here if you want me. If you ever want to talk to somebody far away from it all I'm always available to listen. You can call whenever (I have your number stored), if you want. I promise not to be as creepy as I usually am. <3