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Well, I guess at this rate I'm never roleplaying again. I open up a post, backread a thread, and I still can't do anything. Not type a sentence that makes sense, or even understand the character anymore.
Music, homework, chores, running, daydreaming...none of it helps, and all of it seems to only let the problem remain.
It might be the depression, but that's like saying it might be lupus. It's probably not, and yet it probably is. Regardless, I can't write anymore, not even decently. I can't work on my stories, punch out a post, write little ditties and lyrics, or even fathom poetry.
The major problem. My muse isn't gone. She's sitting here laughing at me, and then going off to the side to be miserable herself. It's like decay, and it's irritating.
I asked around to see if anyone had any ideas on how to rejuvenate the senses and spirit of writing, and the few people that actually replied instead of ignoring the words, said wait.
How is several months of wait, for you? I haven't been writing anything at all. I can't even pick up a book. I bought a few good books too, things I had wanted to read for a long, long time. Including the last HP book. They are all just sitting on my desk or bookcase, collecting dust. I couldn't even open the covers.
This concept is driving me insane, but there just isn't any motivation or feeling anymore. I got a pm from a friend today about Secrets, saying I could post.
I haven't touched any of my guilds in a very long time, not even general discussions within them.
So I found myself dead thankful I wrote the posts a few months ago, when I was only starting this decline. They are terrible, awful posts, but at least I can put them up and not delay things. I'm delaying things everywhere.
I think it's one of the things I dislike most, and yet I can't seem to stop doing it. I guess I'll ask for the primary point in this entry. . . How do you regain spirit and joy? Neither I have right now, and I need to write to keep everyone else happy. There's no chance of that for me, but at least it would get some of the stress to go away.
I still don't have what I never had; all of my little delusions and daydreams seem to be focused on that. That, or violence and a seething, boiling anger and disdain. Maybe even a lack of care. I have way too many problems to count them all, but ignoring it all is getting harder. I'll have to wait this period out, and hope for a better one to come soon.
I can't go to NDK. I asked the parents; they said no. I don't have a way down there, or money anyway. I'll probably see everyone from that group in Decemeber then, and focus on school.
Not that I actually get anything accomplished, or anything. I think I'll devote today to distracting myself with homework, instead of running and jogging for hours.
~Lu, Recca, Court, Rora, Lve, Sashi, and Bris; I know I have your ears. Thanks.
Afterthought: Yes, I made the entry previous to this disappear. It's truthful, but not for others to hear.
 DarkRybrin · Sun Sep 02, 2007 @ 06:53pm · 3 Comments |
