&3 Listen To and Follow your heart...
I Dont know whats going on in my head lately. Everything i do seems to Contradict my usual thinking. I mean..Everything i do just seems wrong whether what it is actually is a Right or Wrong Decision. I Havent even been taking care of myself to the Point i actually do things for myself. I feel Selfish with Every thought that runs through my head and i feel Like everything is just wrong.I havent Fulfilled so many Promises and Every dream i seem to have had or do have seems farther and farther from my own Reach. I dont know how to explain it. The only thing that does feel right to me anymore is Haley. But now..i dont know why now Im scared..Im scared i cant Keep that dream anymore that ill brake my promise to her. Every morning i wake up and the only thing i want to do is talk to her and to be with her the only way i can..but it hurts to think..what if i couldnt ever see her..What if my life is just one big broken Promise and ill ruin it..I tend to do that regardless of what anyone says. To have these thoughts run through my head make me Even more scared of myself. Im doubting myself like i used too. I feel like im ruining myself but not because of anyone else..just because it feels naturally right for me to have thoughts as such or something..i dont know...I sat up the other night thinking if i even deserved the life i had been Given and thinking if i was just a puppet for people to manipulate and play with. No decision i've made has Given me what i wanted..and Everyone likes to Use me for what i am and how generous i am...A few Days Ago Haley asked me if i believed in God. I said Yes i thought i believed in God. But With Contradictions that i have and the way i Think that im worthless...Why would i think like that if this Divine Being created me..Why would he Have me think like this..I doubt he would. Which places more doubt to me in his existence as some Divine Ruler of the Universe and Creator of everything. I just dont know why i think like this and i find myself more and more Doubting the existence of this Being. I just sometimes wish i never exsisted so i would never have these feelings i do..no matter how horrible..or how Great they are...I feel like Complaining now..about everything and anything which is Unlike i would ever act..Can i ask whats wrong with me? Whats happening to me? Why is this kind of thing running through my head? Reguarless of what anyone interprets this as. I see it as a my mind..with all the twist and turns it possesses. Haley if your reading this..which i hope you have i want to let you know that I love you more than life more than the world and far more than you could possibly know from my standing and nothing could ever change that no matter how big or small..and Ill always Love you...To any friends reading this..I want to tell you I love you too...I love you for the simple reason of feeling some trust or just something that makes you feel attached to me in the slightest..Because my life just doesnt feel right and..i just dont know what im going to do with the way that i think and the way that i am.... Whats happening to me...
...Your heart Cant and Will never Lie .&3
Exploding V a g i n a · Tue Oct 02, 2007 @ 09:09pm · 3 Comments